How To Be A Good MIL

I have 4 kids ages 7-15 and a truly terrible MIL (see my prior post about her). It makes me want to be a really good MIL some day.

I am trying to put together a guideline. There must be a lot of MILs struggling with their relationships with their child’s spouse, and wanting to improve. I also want a reminder, once I become a MIL, of how to behave!

Here is my first draft. I want suggestions for improvement and additions.

How to Be a Good MIL

• In general, remember that your adult child’s relationship with his/her romantic partner is between the two of them. They have a new primary family unit now, with their own decisions to make about how they choose to live. Their family decisions are not about you and what you want.
• Do not give any unasked-for advice about relationships, homemaking, child-rearing, or anything else.
• Be pleasant to be around, focusing on positive topics and lifting others up.
• Never show up uninvited. While it is okay to request to schedule time together, never demand it, and let your adult child determine what dates and location work best for their schedule (which is likely more demanding than yours).
• Remember that your relationship with your adult child will – and should – change once they have their own family. The couple is a brand new entity. Do not assume past traditions and habits will be continued, as if nothing has changed.
• Never compare your relationship with your adult child and their new family to anyone else’s, as that is none of your business, is harmful to your relationship, and that sort of petty jealousy should be beneath you. The people you love should never feel guilty for loving other people, too – that isn’t what love is all about!
• If your adult child wants less time together than you do, accept it gracefully and without complaint. Be glad, if anything, that their life is so busy and full of purpose, support, and love.
• Remember that special events in their lives may also be special to you, but are fundamentally about them, and not about you or what you want.
• Do not act entitled to your adult child’s time, energy, or attention.

Dating
– Your child is an adult now, and that means they get to make their own decisions.
– It is not your business who your adult child chooses to date.
– If your adult child seems unhappy with their relationship, ask whether or not they are happy, without implying the relationship is the cause
– If asked your opinion about the girlfriend/boyfriend/relationship, say only positive things unless you have grave concerns; even then, use the criticism sandwich method (positive – negative – positive), and frame it as a question (“if this relationship gets more serious, are you concerned at all about…”)

Engagement
– Congratulate the happy couple and be happy for them, keeping any worries or concerns to yourself. The time for that has come and gone.

Wedding
– Let the couple make their own decisions about everything, including the guest list, how religious it should be, flowers, decorations, what last name is chosen, etc, or even whether or not to have a wedding at all.
– If you choose to contribute to the wedding financially, it should be with zero strings attached.
– If you are not invited to anything wedding-related (dress shopping, cake sampling, venue shopping, etc), accept that without a single word of complaint. (Remember, this is their special time, not yours!)
– if your advice or feedback is requested, give it sparingly, in a positive way, and kindly.

Holidays
– Your adult children have the right to choose how to spend their holidays with their new primary family. Do not criticize them for exercising that choice. They may or may not come to visit you, and you may or may not be invited to visit them. Either way, accept the outcome without complaint.
– When planning a holiday together, try to treat your adult child as you would any other adult, if you were collaborating on a shared holiday. Don’t assume you know who will host, who will cook, who will be invited, etc. Be a polite guest/host.

Grandchildren
– Always remember that your grandchildren already have parents, and their parents get to make all of the parenting decisions.
– Your grandchild’s name, school, religion, political views, etc are up to their parents and peers to influence. None of that is your business.

Anything else I should add?