i have a complicated relationship with my mom. i love her so much and she’s given up everything to be a stay at home mom and raise my siblings and i but she’s always exerted kind of absurd levels of control. what we wore growing up through high school, how long we were allowed to be in our rooms (basically only to sleep), etc. i am now 25 years old and struggle heavily with not yielding to what she tells me to do.
i have been in a relationship over a year with a guy i love who treats me well, who i can communicate healthily with, who i feel safe with. he’s on the quieter side and hasn’t fully found his stride in fitting in with my loud, rambunctious family. he’s white, we’re mexican so there’s also the language aspect where my family just speaks in spanish when he’s around and doesn’t realize it. he doesn’t really like initiating conversation in general and my mom reads this as him not “caring about [me] enough” to get to know my family. his family dynamic is very different. he’s not really super talkative in his own home but when i say that to my mom she just says that if he really loved me he would put in the effort.
she also has a very traditional idea of what a marriage should look like, she’s frequently mentioned she wishes i would have met an entrepreneur or someone who could “take care of me”, never mind that i make low six figures and have bought my own house. (also that he also makes low six figures and is smart, hardworking and on a fast track to leadership at his engineering company). she says it’s hard for her to believe im in a “healthy” relationship when she hasn’t been able to see any great qualities when he’s been around the family.
i know i fundamentally don’t agree with her takes or her stance on relationships in general but i grew up fearing authority so much because of her it’s been so hard to shake it. i know she loves me and a lot of this stems from her wanting the absolute best for me and worrying im “settling” but ive truly never felt so happy and she’s the only one who has these reservations. she says she wants me to be happy but truly my only stressor in my relationship and my life right now has been her inserting her opinion and constantly questioning me.
ive been in therapy for ~6 months now specifically on this but would love to hear any takes or anyone who has had to reteach themselves that their life decisions are their own. thank you!!
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We’re all conditioned by the people who raised us, and that will affect our feelings in life. The big question is, are you living for yourself, or are you living to appease your mom? The best case scenario for every child is they learn who they are and what’s best for them so they’re able to make decisions and function in life.
I had helicopter parents, and I’m most at peace now accepting that I’ve built my life the way that best satisfies me, regardless of how they feel about it. Parents also give out a lot of outdated recommendations too. People give often give advice on what’s best for themselves, and not what’s best for the person they’re giving advice too.
It’s great to hear you’re in therapy, as that’s what I recommend.
shaking off the chains of demanding parents is tough. We are raised to do as they say. Some parents realize that needs to change as the child grows, some don’t.
And you can’t live your life trying to please your mom at the expense of pleasing yourself. That no workie.
So now you have to make the tough decision: listen to your mom, or live your life.
That’s definitely a tough one. Even though you disagree with your mom, you’re so used to living according to her controlling ways, it’s hard to stand up to her. You’re pretty in touch with all aspects of it, though. You know what you have to do, it’s just a matter of finding the courage and sticking to your convictions.
That’s also really unfair of her to judge your boyfriend just because he’s a quiet person. I’m a quiet person too, and I’m so sick of people deciding there’s something wrong with me or that my motivations are bad.
As hard as it will be, it seems like the only thing you can do is keep on the path you choose and if necessary, you may have to just say to your mom, “Mom, I love you and I respect you, but I have to live my life the way I see fit. This is my life and this is how I want things to be. I hope you can respect me as much as I respect you and trust me to make good decisions for myself.”
Ric Nelson said in his song, Garden Party, “You can’t please everyone, so you have to please yourself.”
Become a Gray Rock with your mom.
I just want to point out that out that if your parents actually cared about having a relationship with your partner they would make an effort to talk in english. This exclusion is intentional.
One of my best friends is fluent in spanish and is mexican, he also lives in Mexico. Last time I was there even the locals who didn’t know any english would still make attempts for us to understand one another!
I could be incorrect as I am bilingual (working on it though, it’s really hard). That’s just my take on that, it’s what stuck out to me the most.
You seem to be torn between loving your family and accepting that they will never be who you want them to be.
Honey, drop the rope!
She was a SAHM, she may be jealous of you being successful!
Continue with therapy. And I agree that the family speaking only Spanish around him is meant to exclude (I assume they speak English?).