My 2 year relationship has ended, I tried to end it many times, but finally he has done it. Now it’s final.
Our relationship has not been great for a very long time.
How do I forgive myself for wasting this time. I’m not a naive young person anymore, but I repeated the same toxic relationships of my youth.
I’m 34, I probably don’t have time to heal, get married and have kids. I think this was the nail in the coffin. All my relationships have been toxic nightmares, of course I am the common denominator.
I know it’s happened to many women before me,,, please share how you coped with the initial days, weeks, how you healed, how is your life now?
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I left a ten year relationship at 32. I’m about to turn 36 now and life has never been better. I don’t like to consider any decisions I’ve made in my life as regrets, so while I do wish I left my relationship sooner, I don’t regret giving it my all for as long as I did.
I nutured my friendships, got healthier, bought a property, travelled the world, made a tonne of new friends, experienced a bunch of new things. All things I probably wouldn’t have done if I had a partner. I like to focus on that.
I don’t have the pressure of wanting children, so I recognise I do have it easier in that respect but being alone isn’t all that bad when you have incredible people all around you.
If suggest setting yourself some goals and work towards those. There’s so much more to life than having a partner. The absence of one should never slow you down.
it means you need a female bestie with more eyes on your situation to talk to, if you’re not good at it then you need some real help
I also on same boat with you but I was in relationship for 4 years. Early of this year, my ex suddenly ghosted me without any news. It will take time and I also slowly heal but I’m happy with my single life. I focus on myself like learn new things, hang out with friends and sleep more 😂
I tried dating apps too but I feel so toxic. I feel dating apps nowadays is not suitable for me anymore
My 2 year relationship ended a week before marriage. So at 31 soon to be 32 I feel the pressure of marriage and biological clock by my parents and family.
I’m trying to just enjoy my single life without a man for now. It feels good that there is no obligation to talk to a man or someone to disappoint me.
Focusing on gym, work and friends has been fruitful.
I want to have kids and marriage but I am slowly reaching the stage of acceptance that whenever it happens it will happen.
33 here and same, but I think if I haven’t found someone I trust enough to have a family with by 36 I’ll start trying on my own! Hubby can come later. Or not at all. So disillusioned by men tbh
I’m sorry to hear this OP, I feel for you. I broke up with my partner at the age of 34 and it was horrific, but I’m 18 months on now and feel nearly ready to love again and I’m in a good place. Time and therapy were my greatest friends.
Look at some videos by Matthew Hussey on break ups and heartbreak. He’s got some great insights.
Also: 34 is so young! Why would you not have time? Also, you don’t need to be perfectly healed to be married or have kids. No one really is. We all come with bad relationship experience. People who tell you that you need to have it all figured out and healed before you can move into the next phase seriously need to get a reality check. Sure, be ready to move on and learn from your past mistakes, and don’t hurt people because of your own hurt. But besides that: it’s just life. We all go through it.
You’ll get through this! 🩷
My 15 year relationship just ended and I’m 36. I recommend going to therapy (if you’re not already) and focusing on yourself and your friendships. Know that there will be good days and bad days. I don’t want kids, so I don’t have the same pressure/rush to get into a new relationship. In fact, I think I’m going to enjoy being single for quite a while
There’s no hard rule that says you can’t date while healing (which is a lifelong journey). Certainly, you probably want to take some months to disconnect from this relationship and focus on you. I think the difference is healing while dating versus healing through dating (aka codependency).
Cry as much as you need too. Those first few weeks will be tough. Get and stay busy to the best of your ability by pouring into yourself. Make yourself priority number 1. I was 29 when I left and haven’t been in anything serious since and I’m 31 now. I remind myself all the time better to have walked into the wrong room than to have reminded there for 20 years. It’s hard to accept, but learn the lessons from your past so you take the knowledge moving forward how you can move differently and what you won’t accept. You’ve got this, even when you feel you got this ❤️
I could have written your post myself. It’s a devastating situation, but I try to remind myself that there are things that are outside our control. Even if you didn’t have a tendency to be attracted to toxic men and put up with them for way too long, there’s no guarantee that you meet someone who’s a suitable partner to you and who also wanted the same things as you want, following a similar timeline. It all comes down to luck, timing and compromises. I sometimes feel like a failure just because I didn’t attract a good partner who wanted to marry and have kids with me. It seems to be so effortless for others while I think there’s a curse over my love life.
But what we are doing is comparing some ideal, dream scenario to our current reality. In reality many women love partners who don’t want to marry them or they can’t conceive despite trying for years. And although I don’t think you should let go of your dreams and give up, you can come terms with the fact that you are not on the driver’s seat when it comes to all aspects of your life. Maybe your future doesn’t look perfect and how you expected it to look like, but there are still various avenues, ways and choices you can make which will shape your future. Can you freeze your eggs? Can you have a kid on your own? Could you explore other ways to express maternal instincts than being a parent? Pour your energy into work, hobbies, friends and family? Find fulfillment in volunteering or trying something totally new?
I’m trying to remind myself that it’s not all black and white. It’s not that I live my dream life or my life is over and I can’t be fulfilled at all.
>How do I forgive myself for wasting this time. I’m not a naive young person anymore, but I repeated the same toxic relationships of my youth.
The best way to forgive yourself is to finally take this experience as a lesson learned and never repeat those same mistakes again.
When you feel the pull to repeat old patterns, remember this exact moment.
I left a 12 year relationship at 30. It was toxic, but I had always had some excuse not to leave. Talk about wasting time – I wasted my entire 20s! I wish I had left sooner, but it is what it is. Now I’m 35, married to the love of my life and life is much much better. It took me a while post break up to figure out how to fully function on my own after that long (not that my ex even really helped with anything, just that it felt weird to be alone). It’s a process, but so worth it.
So I think therapy is definitely a good option here. I also think allowing yourself to grieve the relationship or what you thought the potential of the relationship could have been. I would probably also start journaling. It doesn’t have to be a lot but I would write some of the Good The Bad and The Ugly of the relationship. Maybe even email it to yourself that way when you get nostalgic you can look back and be like yeah our relationship wasn’t the way I romanticize it. I would also probably set up a timer on your phone it can be an hour to start with but I would probably reduce it down to like 15 minutes as this goes along but take that time to really sit in your grief and if you need to cry cry and then when that timer goes off you give yourself a breather and you go about your day.
You have a whole life out there and tying yourself to a partner that isn’t compatible and right for you it’s not the best experience. It’s definitely a learning experience though. I think I would focus on making your life what you want it to be and focusing on nurturing and fostering friendships and your own relationship with yourself. Make sure that you have things in place to be financially stable and independent even if you have a partner. One thing I think we notice especially as we get older is the fact that we don’t have to jump into relationships and we can have our independence in relationships. For instance if you own a home you don’t have to sell it to go move in with your boyfriend. You don’t have to have your boyfriend move in with you either. You could even choose to move in with your boyfriend if he has a house but keep your house and rent it out. But always have that backup plan because if you break up you just go move back home. You always have to have a backup / Exit Plan.
Time will heal everything. After all, you’ve been through a lot, but some things are hormonal, like the hormone oxytocin. It will take at least 6 months to go through this pain, and you will fully recover in 1 year. See this as an opportunity you give yourself. Heal yourself, move on and never look back. You will fall in love again, maybe this time you will have other problems. As we accept the good things that life offers us, we also need to accept the pain that life offers us and learn how to cope with it. I broke up with two partners in a short period of time. It was like death, but soon I leveled up. My life changed a lot positively.
I learned from the past, I dealt with my problems, I practiced self-criticism, I forgave myself and I learned to have compassion for myself. Unfortunately, healthy love is not taught to us by our parents, nor do we learn it at school. We try to make a relationship work through trial and error. We all have traumas and when we have a love relationship with another person who has traumas, these traumas are triggered and love starts to poison us. We need to recognize these patterns and work on them. Most importantly, we need to learn to have a healthy connection with ourselves and to love ourselves.
First off, sending you hugs because I know it can feel incredibly painful. It feels especially heavy in your 30s bc of societal expectations. Trust that you didn’t waste time, it was a necessary experience you had that I’m sure included good times, cherished memories, and learning moments for growth. So many of us repeat patterns and we can be hard on ourselves because looking back we “shouldve known better”… but we didn’t and that’s ok. Again, it is a necessary part of your own individual evolution process. The parts of you that feel ashamed that you wasted time or fell back into patterns, let her be seen without judgment. Accept it, and practice forgiving yourself for doing the best you could with what you knew at the time. It already sounds like you’ve learned a lot from this experience. Let yourself feel whatever comes up, some days will be harder than others…that’s ok. That is because a lot of the pain, loss, hurt coming up isn’t just from the relationship but also from childhood. It’s basically stagnant energy seeking to be released somehow. Take good care of yourself (sleep, eating well, moving your body, get creative if that calls to you, process your thoughts with a therapist and in writing).
This is an amazing chance to take time to yourself to heal those patterns and truly love yourself first so you can build a healthy relationship in the future. This isn’t the end, this is literally just the beginning. Don’t let the illusion and pressure or time keep you down. Much better to be mentally, emotionally, spiritually healthy and building a strong relationship later than trying to make something work that is unhealthy for the sake of timing.
For context, I ended my 5 year relationship last year at 33 years old but I knew it wasn’t aligned long term. I’m so glad I did even though it has been a journey and I still love him as a person. But I’m now in a much better place to build a sustainable and mutually beneficial relationship, I’m in no rush, I know it’ll happen when the time is right.
You got this gal 🤍
What I’m getting from this thread is that break ups are less stressful if you don’t want kids which is why I don’t want kids lol
My ten year relationship from ages 25-35 ended two years ago and I’ve never been happier or more at peace. I’m not looking for another relationship, if I meet someone amazing then great but if not I’m focusing on finding happiness within myself.
Hey, OP! My ex and I broke up almost 2 months ago on our 6-year anniversary (I feel like a broken record as that’s all I talk about on this account lol) and we’re both 32. We unfortunately have to live together while we finish fixing our home to sell.
I won’t lie, I felt like I was dying the first couple of weeks. My feelings were compounded by the fact that I felt I almost had to hide my grief; I didn’t want him to see/hear me sobbing. Things in our relationship weren’t great but I was so comfortable in my misery, and so scared to make the leap and be on my own. He’s the one who finally said the words out loud, and even though I knew it was for the best, my ego was really bruised and I felt rejected.
I still have little breakdowns here and there, but overall, I’m feeling a lot better. I’ve been leaning on my friends and family. I journaled for the first time in my life, and made a point to do it every evening before bed just to get the feeling out of my head and onto paper (that helps a lot).
I’ve never been into fitness at all but I spent a lot of time researching workouts and healthy meals, put together a plan, and got a gym membership. I’ve been going to the gym and meal prepping (again, for the first time in my life) consistently. It’s been a really productive and healthy way for me to prioritize myself.
I’m still afraid about the future. For the past 6+ years, I imagined he would be part of it. But I’m also excited. I’m framing this new chapter as a way to really get to know myself and recognize what I want and need. I’ve never really put that time into myself as I was always focused on partying and finding the right guy in my 20s.
I still very much hope to find my person someday, but my goal right now is to become the healthiest, happiest version of myself. The rest will come with time!
It will be okay, I promise. The first couple weeks are the hardest. But try to think about this as an opportunity to focus on you and what you want. These feelings won’t last forever. Rooting for you!! ♥️♥️♥️
ETA: I listened to the podcast Breakup Bootcamp by Amy Chan the first week after the breakup, and it really helped me! She explains the science of withdrawing from a relationship, and also gives great little exercises you can do to help with whatever stage of grief you’re currently experiencing. I highly recommend you give it a listen when you’re ready!
therapy?
Just got out of a 5 year relationship. But I had the kid. So now Imma single parent.
Go to therapy. Reflect. Notice the patterns and break them. Focus on yourself for a bit. Don’t worry about finding a partner until you sort what’s going on inside first. Then you’ll be able to find someone who compliments your life.
That’s the way to get over it. To not make it the center of your existence.
Hugs, friend. I know that pressure. I’m 33F and just let go of someone I still think is the love of my life.
I know it will hurt for a bit and I hope you have the space and time to cry and rest and allow yourself to grieve. Not just the relationship but also the potential of a family connected to this person. I realized late in life that I want children so I understand feeling panicked about how to manage finding a partner especially when you need time to heal.
Some things that helped me was talking to a few trusted friends—not everyone—because you don’t need false positivity right now. I also journaled to remember how I felt the moment I made the decision it wasn’t going to work because I knew I would want this person back. Last, I constantly remind myself that if I truly love this person; I need to let him go so he can find the right match for himself. I know alot of people think more about deserving better themselves and maybe I have low self worth right now but this is what personally helps me. I want him to be happy.
It’s been almost two months and I still feel hollow inside but I think it took about a month for me to stop spontaneously crying. I also think therapy is a good option if it is available to you.
I left an 8 year relationship when I was 31. Literally every day has been an upgrade.
I made myself a little wellness list for when I was single so I didn’t feel down about it which I’ll pop below. I also reminded myself that I could meet another partner at any time and never live alone ever again, so it’s important to enjoy what I have built all by myself.
Also, when he left because he lived with me, I decided to paint the walls the colours I wanted but he didn’t like. I thrifted a dining table and chairs to make an earthy gal corner in my house. I also changed my bedroom around so it felt brand new. Even if it’s a few home accessories, it makes a big difference.
Wellness list:
34 is still young! That said I wouldn’t think too much about it for now. My 10 year relationship ended in 2017 when I was 30 and it was not my choice. I was completely blindsided. I later found out he was basically living a double life.
Anyways, I was extremely distraught for about 6 months. I was a mess and crying all the time including at work at times. I was in so much agony. Once I finally started to come out of it I just focused on myself. I hung out with friends a lot and tried to make new ones (which is so hard in your 30s). I started romanticizing my life like Carrie Bradshaw lol. I would take walks in Central Park in the fall when the leaves were falling and it was so beautiful. I’d go to coffee shops and read books. I had always been into health and wellness but really leaned in on that. I also rediscovered my love of art and fashion which I had shelved at some point due to life.
I went on a few dates in the very beginning but nothing stuck. And then I moved for a job and really focused on that for 2 years until I moved back to NYC and then the pandemic hit. I was pretty convinced from 2020-2023 I was just going to be alone. I was honestly fine with it because by that time I had made a lot of new friends and had a life I was really fulfilled by. I also bought an apartment in NYC by myself in 2020 which was such a long term goal of mine and I was so proud of myself for doing. Having that space was so so fulfilling to me because it was all mine and no one could tell me what to do with it. It became my sanctuary. I ended up meeting my person at 36 and we just bought a house together. We both want kids but not sure if that’s realistically in the cards given our ages and just being practical (he’s 10 years older than me).
All of this to say don’t rule anything out. Allow yourself to feel whatever you want to feel and wallow if that’s what you want to do. We are human and we have real feelings. When you’re ready start to rebuild your life in a way that makes you happy and fulfilled. Maybe you’ll meet someone in the future and maybe you won’t but try not to tell yourself you won’t unless you don’t want to. Totally valid not to want to but if you just don’t care try not to close the door fully and let things be.
Ironically I feel the same feeling of not having enough time to heal in a realistic timeline to get married and have kids, but I’m almost 30 and have never had a relationship 🫠 so I feel like the clock is running out for me too, because of my lack of experience and the mistakes I’m guranteed to make in finding and choosing a partner just because I haven’t had one. Like most of the problems I’ll have I’m sure the average teenager has already gone through. I’m constantly on the fence between giving up completely and going to therapy anyways then still trying my luck.
I’m sure there’s people that have met their partners after 34 and it’s becoming more common now to have your first kid as late as 37-40, so I don’t thing it’s as over for you as you think.
I’m not sure I have any coping advice for your specific situation, but for me, I have gotten my hopes up before and had them crashed and destroyed several times. Initially I try not to beat myself up, though it’s hard. I rant and open up to friends. And engage in things that make me happy. I realized in my mid 20s that if I spent my life waiting for a partner that never came, I would be miserable and regretful of all the things I never experienced. So I’ve started doing more bucket list things and trying to build a full life as if they won’t show up. If they do at least I’ll have things to share
More women are having babies in their 40’s than any other previous decade. This whole “you have to get married and have kids by 35” schtick is something we were taught to pressure us into settling out of fear. I would take this time to focus on yourself-because if you do find a husband and start having children, you’ll never get this opportunity again.
I’m sorry, but this kind of thinking at 34 is bananas to me. A) you don’t have to be 100% healed to be in a relationship, but you do have to identify your patterns and triggers, develop healthy coping mechanisms, and learn to communicate. B)You are so young. You really are. Please know in NYC especially things can change quickly and you can find a lovely human to heal *with* and have an amazing life, yes, with kids, together. You’re going to be just fine.l
Try reading ‘all about love’ by bell hooks. Really helped me. I’m a 38 year old single mom still out here with my whole life ahead of me. You’ll be just fine.
34 and just called it quits on a 4.5 yr relationship 3 days ago. I’m not sure how the living situation will pan out. We’ll probably have to cohabitate for a bit, I’m devastated and heartbroken. I do feel like I “wasted my best years” but at the same time I’m looking forward to the day it doesn’t hurt as much. I’ve spent so much of my brain power and time trying to make this relationship work. Who knows what it will look like when I can spend that energy on myself.
I’m scared and dealing with a lot of grief, but I’m also excited to not spend so much energy agonizing over a relationship.
If you deeply desire to be a mother and/or wife pursue that. Dont give up on that.
Im in my early 40s and had a breakup last year. I moved on quicker than my past relationships. Im not telling you that you wont get heartbroken again but it gets easier. What I tell myself that helps me move on is that Im glad its over now and not next week or next month or next year. Now that its over, I have more chance to find the person for me than when I am in a relationship with a person who doesnt love me.
It’s better than breaking up in your 40s.
I find friends, and when that fails, spend time doing a hobby I ignored while with the ex. It helps highlight that it is not just losing something – you likely get something (or many somethings) back.
Are you me? I could have written this. For now, I’m just taking it day by day. I can’t put too much pressure on myself to make things happen. I’m focusing on myself and making myself happy, independent of societal or family pressure.
I was in a 12 year relationship, engaged. Ended a few years ago. I can say at the time I felt devastated not so much about the loss of the relationship but the fact I wasted all my twenties on this one person. That was in 2023. I can say just in the last two years, I have focused on my healing, gotten into a better relationship and am now the leading veterinarian at my current practice. I am grateful that I did not waste more time in that previous relationship. Forgive yourself for the time you did waste and know that you know better now❤️
I’m in the same boat. Ended a 3 year relationship a few weeks ago and I’m scared I won’t get the things I want in life (husband/ kids). But if I stayed with my ex I would’ve been settling and that isn’t fair to either of us. Thinking of you ❤️ it’ll be okay!