I’m struggling here, my boyfriend is a wonderful sweet guy, but he has little ability to use general knowledge to piece together how to do or fix things.
FYI, I know these are all minor issues and I probably sound like a judgemental bitch, but it’s been compounding for a few years now and I’m getting to my breaking point.
I am constantly teaching him how to do things correctly, like washing dishes, washing stained clothes, changing a car tyre, cutting vegetables, cooking food, cleaning up after himself, cleaning drains, hanging out washing properly, replacing hand towels, dusting, washing windows, fixing broken items like chairs/shoes/curtains, looking after his hair, looking after his teeth, looking after his car, cleaning the toilet, when to throw out clothes because they are no longer okay to wear, and it is driving me INSANE.
He’s 25, he should know how to do these tasks or at least be able to use prior knowledge to piece together how to do it right? I feel awful always correcting him, and it’s putting me into this position of mother (I do NOT want to be a mother, mothering him is making him feel like my kid which is so, so very unsexy and is impacting our sex life).
He sometimes will learn from what I’ve shown him, but he also has a tendency to forget and go back to his old habits without thinking. I earn more and work more than he does, so it’s not a lack of time that’s the issue.
I’ve tried just ignoring it but we live together and I feel like I can’t leave him to complete tasks by himself because he doesn’t know how to do them correctly. So everything becomes my job anyway, or I have to put time aside to teach him. What the fuck.
How do you handle a situation where you end up being the ‘mother’ of your significant other without growing to resent them for it?
TLDR: My boyfriend has few life skills and struggles to innately know how to do things, but also doesn’t seek out that knowledge for himself. I feel like I’m his mother by constantly explaining and doing tasks for him. How do we work through this without me growing to resent him and losing all attraction towards him?
Comments
I would tell him gently that I am starting to feel like the relationship doesn’t feel balanced.
Maybe there is a YouTube channel he can watch to get life skills.
I honestly wouldn’t hold it against him if he is getting better every day.
Does he keep getting fired from jobs because he can’t learn how to do the work?
Because unless he’s unable to learn anything because of medical condition, he just doesn’t care enough to bother
It sounds a little like weaponized incompetence maybe? I hate to throw therapy words around but if he’s consistently doing this despite you helping and teaching and trying to get him to do it, then that would be my guess. Lay a hard boundary of cleanliness and whatnot
It is incredibly annoying to live with someone who doesn’t know how to do anything without being told or doesn’t think to do it. It breeds resentment.
well I ended up divorcing my man child because why tf am I babying a fully grown adult? we were young, but after 5 years I grew and matured. his pathetic excuses of why he couldn’t do basic things like change an empty toilet paper roll or take out the trash were embarrassing. I got some self respect and left. I’m not going to be bang maid mommy to an adult. if a 25 year old can hold down a job, he can be a big boy and do the bare minimum of life skills. is he unable to wash himself as well? he’s 25, let the man baby bird fly or fall, not your responsibility.
Is that he isn’t doing it? Or that he isn’t doing it your way? Are you kind of OCD and it has to be your way? Or is he just not doing basic things that everyone does and refuses to learn.
He probably has depression and adhd.
So I read the first paragraph and thought “hm that doesn’t sound too bad.” And then I kept reading. That’s ridiculous, and that’s coming from someone who’s not proud of her own life skills. He has become dependent on you and you are, unintentionally, enabling him. I’m not saying that as a judgement, because what else are you supposed to do when stuff needs to be done? But he will not change as long as you do those things for him. Best of luck!
no grown person should need constant reminders or teachings from their partner to look after their hair and teeth. No grown person of 25 should be living without knowing how to clean up for themselves.
I can understand not being inclined to know how to repair a piece of furniture or work on a car. But honestly, not knowing how to cut vegetables? Not knowing that some clothes aren’t okay to wear?
You don’t say how long you’ve been dating, but since you live together I’d wager it’s a fair bit. I don’t see how he could’ve hidden all of this before moving in, so that’s on you for allowing someone incapable of taking care of themselves to move in.
You don’t mention anything positive that he brings to the relationship except “he’s a wonderful sweet guy”. So to be honest, you already resent him and there’s a decent chance that unless he somehow performed a miraculous 180 you will continue to do so. This relationship is already dead. Stop wasting time on it.
There are plenty of men out there who know how to wash their own clothes who are wonderful and sweet.
Are you prepared to drag him through life and act as a parent?
He was a momma’s boy, wasn’t he
either that, or is he on the spectrum maybe?
YOU DUMP THEM!
Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk.
You handle it by leaving. He is taking advantage of you.
There are lots of other men on this planet that you don’t need to parent and who will respect you as a person and as a woman. They will show you they love you by noticing when things need to be done AND doing more.
Don’t settle down with this guy. You’ll regret it when you are 40+.
I promise you there are men that know how to do these basic things.
You gotta leave them on their own with it. If you want him to do something, leave the house or make yourself unavailable and don’t answer any questions about how to do it and make it clear that you’re upset if it’s not done. Don’t start a whole argument but just be clearly disappointed. It’s not that they aren’t capable, it’s just that they have a crutch. It’s a little reflective of parenting, but hopefully he’ll figure it out on his own
“also doesn’t seek out that knowledge for himself”
get out of there. he’s either fine with how he lives, or medically unable to be an equal partner in your relationship.
If you don’t want to be in a caretaking role, leave.
You dump them!!! This is total weaponized incompetence. As you said, he is very successful at work so he can clearly learn how to do tasks, he just thinks these household tasks are beneath him and wants you to do everything. You watch. When you dump him, he will start taking care of his living space and cooking. He’s just taking advantage of you, or whatever woman he can get to live with him.
You need to read your own post a few times. The average person CAN do those things unless they’re slow (for lack of better words).
He doesn’t respect you enough to do the things you are asking of him let’s be real.
Is this really the man of your dreams? A man who can’t perform basic tasks?
That’s a text book case of weaponized incompetence.
You leave the dud. Duh.
It happens with guys who are babied at home too much. Luckily. I had an overprotective mother growing up. But I moved far away and learned to fend for myself. If he can provide for himself at work. That might be good enough. If u are tired of it. You should break up. Because things will still big you in ten or twenty years.
Some of the stuff I can understand but I’ve had to use YouTube to learn how to fix a toilet or other household issues, however minor. But it seems like he’s being incompetent on purpose if he’s great at his job.
That’s pretty bad, I mean as men we pride ourselves on at least being competent in something, when you mentioned changing a car tyre or maintenance I thought wow how does he even know how to breathe. At least be average at something just to get by.
>I am constantly teaching him how to do things correctly, like washing dishes, washing stained clothes, changing a car tyre, cutting vegetables, cooking food, cleaning up after himself, cleaning drains, hanging out washing properly, replacing hand towels, dusting, washing windows, fixing broken items like chairs/shoes/curtains, looking after his hair, looking after his teeth, looking after his car, cleaning the toilet, when to throw out clothes because they are no longer okay to wear, and it is driving me INSANE.
This is basic life shit.
Even if no one taught him, he’s 25. He’s lived his ENTIRE LIFE with the internet. It doesn’t take a genius to Google or YouTube how to properly wash dishes.
This is weaponized incompetence.
You’re not his Mommy or his Daddy. It isn’t your job to teach him how to be an adult.
>I earn more and work more than he does, so it’s not a lack of time that’s the issue.
Oh geez.
So he has you to subsidize his living expenses, and he has more free time than you, yet he “can’t remember” how to wash dishes or brushing his teeth?!??!
Good grief.
Throw this one back.
You’re so young. Don’t get trapped by a Man Child.
I see lots of the comments are jumping to dump him. Which is pretty reasonable actually, it does sound like weaponized incompetence if he’s great at work but doesn’t bother at home. If you love him and want to give him a chance to improve though, maybe start by telling him how unattractive it is that you’re having to mother him and how incredibly sexy a competent partner would be. How he’s so sexy in clean clothes, and what a turn on it is when the dishes are washed, or whatever. If he starts putting in more effort great, if not you know you tried.
He has them, but if he shows you he does, then he’ll have to lift a finger. Classic tell of a worthless guy looking to marry a SAHW who will have to do everything he says.
Get rid of him now. He’s just laying the groundwork. Keep “messing up” enough until you just give up and do it all. The switch will flip eventually.
My comment is based on seeing your comment about him being well respected at work.
Dump him
Can’t speak for him, but if I were your BF and if I LOVE you, I’d do things i normally wouldn’t want to do. I’d learn how to cook, clean, fix stuff, and more. I do it because I want to be of use to someone I love and care about. I don’t need anyone to tell me what to do and what to clean. From the looks of it, you love him more than he loves you. He’s 25, he’s not a kid. If you let things stay, he will be the same at 30, 40, 55. I don’t know why anyone would want to stay in such a relationship unless you’re weird. Do you want someone like that to be the father of your kids?
Guys are direct, don’t beat around the bushes. He is a man, he can take a hit. Tell him that you would like him to pull his own weight. That he’s getting too comfortable. Otherwise, you cannot imagine a future with him. wasting 5 years in a relationship is still better than hanging on and ends up wasting your whole life with such a person. do it for yourself and do it for your potential future kids.
He’s probably acting that way on purpose because he doesn’t want to do anything except his job. How is it he never learned to do anything? His parents babied him?