I’m a male in my early 30s, who haven’t had a great relationship with my parents since at least adolescence. I recently stumbled upon what looks like a family secret my parents and other family members have apparently been keeping from me. I’ve been pressing them to admit the truth, or if I’m wrong, at least convince me that I am. But everytime I have the conversation with them, it seems more and more likely my suspicions are correct. I won’t say what the secret is, or what it pertains to, but it would be very hurtful to me if true.
The other day after the conversation we were talking about visiting an extended family member, who apparently doesn’t know this secret. My mother said “If you acknowledge this to (their name), it’s going to be very difficult for me.”
The word “acknowledge” rang alarm bells for me. You don’t acknowledge something that isn’t true. If you acknowledge something, that means it probably happened. I pressed my mother on this and she became very angry. First she insinuated I don’t know what I’m talking about, then she said I was crazy. I talked to a friend about it and they suggested I ask ChatGPT.
Now I know Chat GPT isn’t foolproof but I described the situation as best I could, and it got back to me about how there’s an analytical level of analysis, and while being gentle in its reply, basically told me that yes, subtle cues like this based on word choice and also emotional appeals often indicate the person is lying.
I don’t know what to do right now. This is very painful to deal with knowing your family has things they would hide from you. I’m going to be fine, it’s not the first time I’ve suspected this, in fact I’ve suspected it for years, so it’s not a total shock, but it’s still somewhat difficult.
Comments
REMINDER: Rules regarding civility and respect are enforced on this subreddit. Hurtful, cruel, rude, disrespectful, or “trolling” comments will be removed (along with any replies to these comments) and the offending party may be banned, at the mods’ discretion, without warning. All commenters should be trying to help and any help should be given in good faith, as if you were the OP’s parent. Also, please keep in mind that requesting or offering private contact (DM, PM, etc) is absolutely not allowed for any reason at all, no exceptions.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
First you have to decide how important this is to you. Families do keep secrets. Usually it’s some sort of scandalous thing that was a problem in earlier generations but is not a problem now.
Then you have to decide how much you want to upset the general calm in the family. Is this curiosity important enough to you ?
Then it’s research time. Carefully, calmly poke around. Be discreet. Find that one aunt or uncle that loved to gossip and ask them. And once you find out, think about what you’ll do with this information.
Usually the answer is “eh, it’s no bid deal, never mind”.
Min not saying your family doesn’t have secrets, I’m sure they do, but chatgpt is notorious for giving positive feedback.
But I agree, the word acknowledge is extremely suspect.
They obviously don’t want to tell you for their own reasons. If I were you I would just assume the secret is true and move forward from there. What does moving forward look like to you?
The secret is one thing, but the lying and gaslighting is a whole other betrayal. That’s the real issue here.
Yeah we’re going to need to hear what this secret is mate .
And stop asking ChatGPT for advice on personal problems . It’s designed to give you positive feedback .
ChatGPT is not intelligent.
ChatGPT does not know anything.
ChatGPT just reads a lot of stuff and makes up responses based on patterns in the word.
It is not intelligent.
I’m taking a different viewpoint. Families make decisions like this to allow the best course forward, and promote healing and peace. Since you are being cryptic (you could have said “regarding my paternity” or “regarding a horrible thing that happened to a family member”, etc.) I am going to have to provide a couple of scenarios.
If your conception circumstances are at issue, it may have been a painful episode involving lack of consent or grooming by an inappropriate sexual partner. People deserve to heal from that, do not pursue that, it happened without you and the pain is likely still real for those who were involved. Don’t hurt them further. If your paternity or maternity is an issue, it could be as someone suggested about out of wedlock or too-young conception that was frowned upon at the time. Some people are pregnant and not prepared to handle parenthood. So other schemes are concocted to remedy the situation. Do a DNA test if you really want the truth without hurting those who love you, then get therapy for the results. Don’t take it out on them, they did what they felt was the best decision at the time. Now is now; you will need a way to move forward without hurting them.
The whole point of keeping secrets from people in families is because there is something happening that needs decisions for the betterment of all or most. When a person is old enough to handle the truth, they start poking around, and it also means they are healthy and mature enough emotionally to handle the fallout without causing family crisis. The people involved did what they could to make a difficult situation better. If you are intent upon getting at the truth, then be prepared to explore it with a counselor yourself and don’t beleaguer the family members. If you’re old enough to know, you’re mature enough to find the truth and still offer love to the people who are doing the best they can in life. As we all are.
A DNA test is definitely needed. Also, I would join Ancestry and start checking their backgrounds and relatives. You can also request your birth certificate and see who are listed as the mother and father.
You may turn up nothing, but you never know…
Best wishes to you!