I (35F with no kids) matched with a man (43) on a dating app over a month ago. He has young children (5 and 9) and still cohabitates with his ex (who he was with for 16 years) while they go through divorce proceedings. They are divorcing due to her infidelity and have been separated for 8 months. He also shared the relationship had been aromantic for years prior to that. When we first matched, he stressed that we were both looking for the same thing (love) but just starting from different points. First few weeks of us getting to know each other were so lovely. Our emotional and physical chemistry were the best I’ve ever experienced. He’s told me several times that I’ve made him feel desired and wanted. He would also always comment on how calm, kind, intelligent, and beautiful I was. And whenever I would ask him if he wanted to end things he would always say no and ask why I was feeling this way and what was going on/told me not to worry.
However, I’ve noticed a complete shift in his energy and communication in the past week and a half (ever since I asked a hypothetical about us taking a pause until he moved out). To his credit, he did mention that it would be healthiest and cleanest if we waited until he moved out. He also said he understood he’d be rolling the dice and expected me to still date other people. I ended the conversation telling him I still wanted him and would learn to be more patient. He said never apologize for who you are and that he’d get back to me with a more detailed answer. After not hearing from him for 2.5 days, I called him and we agreed to be casual in the sense that we would see each other as much as his circumstances would permit until he moves out in a few months. He’s also mentioned several times that he won’t and has no desire to see or talk to other people.
Here’s the thing…we used to text all day everyday and now he claims to be a little messed up inside after an emotionally draining weekend (due to an unknown event – presumably involving his ex and his son’s birthday party). He didn’t answer my phone call a few days ago and he only acknowledged missing it when I reached out to him the following day. In the days since, he said he was really sorry. When I asked him what he was sorry for, it took him 1.5 days to clarify that he was sorry for retreating. He said he hoped I was good but that knowing me he would be shocked otherwise.
Is this him ending things? Should I stop communicating with him OR say I’m worried about him and ask what’s going on?
I’m torn because I really fell for him. Is all hope lost?
Comments
I’d tell him to drop me a line once he’s financially stable, has his own home, and has settled into 50% of the parenting duties.
Yeah have him hit you up when his life is together
Sounds like the perfect conditions for a messy, rebound relationship.
This honestly is why the advice is to not date men going through divorce is that the fallout with all that entails is currently happening. You will end up 2nd wheel to what that is. Even if he was moved out, what had he done to create space for himself and heal from the divorce? Again he hasn’t dealt with it, that’s currently happening. The retreating is only showing that his emotional capacity for consistency isnt there.
He shouldn’t even be in the apps and maybe lacks some self awareness on that he could be codependent while being emotionally unavailable. Some dudes cannot be alone/single and deal with their feelings and hop to the next one. That is always the risk here engaging with someone in the divorce process already trying to date to me it feels a response to getting cheated on and thus needing to show that he moved on.
It could be 1-2 years realistically until he’s actually moved on and ready. Do you really want to yo yo yourself like that for someone’s potential? He’s not offering anything concrete at all.
Agree with the others.
Let him come to you.
You are chasing too hard, and his situation is a HOT mess.
Divorce is awful…even when it’s amicable. It’s two people that thought they would spend their lives together coming to terms with a whole new reality.
It doesn’t matter when they say they’ve been checked out or they’ve been living like roommates or whatever. Actually going through the process is vastly different.
I always recommend that everyone take at least a year and not date. They need to heal. He is clearly dealing with a lot especially still currently living in the same house. He will also deal with new feelings moving into his own place and being alone when the kids are with their mom.
I am not saying he is a bad guy or the wrong guy…it’s just probably not the right time and you will probably both wind up hurt
The timeline of this is very similar to how my husband’s affair played out, he’s my ex now lol.
He told the other woman we were “working on a separation/ divorce” and still living together, we weren’t. They were seeing each other pretty heavy until real life obligations took up more of his time. He was spending more time with his family and the affair turned into phone communication until I found out. I’d make sure that divorce is actually happening
I wouldn’t deal with him at all!
For all you know, he could be lying about a divorce – it has been known to happen.
And since his energy changed after you had a conversation about him moving out (which would be a natural next step that he should have already been thinking about) I’d be leaning towards there is no divorce or he has serious ambivalence about moving out.
He’s looking for an affair partner or a soft place to land after a divorce…otherwise known as a rebound.
Tell him to reach out if and when he gets his act together. You don’t want to get splashed with the mess of a man exiting his marriage, if that’s actually what’s happening. You can do better.
Don’t
Hard pass.
Tldr, you don’t.
End of Story.
Come on. You know the answer