I honestly need some advice. I 21 female have a boyfriend 20 male (we’ve been together for officially 1 year just last week). he is diagnosed with autism and he has trouble with social cues, reading the room and just being a regular high functioning autistic person. We are long distance, so naturally my family and friends don’t really have much of a chance to spend time with him because he’s only here twice a year for a short period of time. So for this trip, he recently came and we went on a small family vacation with my mom, my sister and my dad. when we came back from the vacation, I got a plethora of complaints from my sister about how he has trouble reading social cues and now she just thinks we’re not really a good fit together. At the end of the day I struggle a lot trying to make sure that my family likes him and that he is also comfortable, but it gets to a point where I just feel so defeated trying to make everyone like him and vice versa. He is such a sweetheart and he’s always willing to change and always willing to grow and be better but it just feels like a lot of people keep comparing him to someone who is non-neurodivergent. (For the record my parents are okay with him it’s more of my sister and best friend who have an issue with him.)
My sister has a boyfriend and she kept comparing him to her boyfriend (who is neurotypical) to mine saying how her boyfriend would never let her pay the bill and how her bf would recognize these certain social cues would understand how to read a room, etc., etc. and also how he would try to be more involved in interested in her family’s life. Well, my boyfriend he does try to be interested in my family‘s life, but he does struggle a bit because he also has anxiety and he also finds it hard to interact with people if they don’t interact with him first, as for the bills we have different currencies so we both decided to pay for each other when one of us is visiting. Anyways I just wanted to get some advice on how I could bring this up to him but also I wanted to know if anyone has also had family members or friends that just really weren’t being patient with their partners diagnosis and how they got to overcome that and what did they say to make them change because every single time he comes and visits I struggle really hard to make mainly my friends and sister happy.
He is still trying, but it just feels like there is too much of a barrier between them and it feels like I’ll never be able to have the perfect balance although they say they are happy for me that I finally found a bf, It just feels like empty words. It honestly feels like every single time he’s here they always pick apart something he does and then turned it into like some huge big ordeal, when in all honesty his diagnosis explains the problem. Anyways, I just wanted to know if anybody has any advice on how to like make them more understanding or how should I go about making them less insensitive towards him OR if I should speak to him about fixing his quirks?
I’m sorry if everything is a little hard to understand I’m still trying to process these thoughts. This is my first time posting on Reddit and I might delete this later because ik my sister and best friend both use Reddit.
Comments
Hey, srry 2 hear u’re in such a tough spot. My 2 cents? Ur bf’s autism isn’t a prob 2 fix, it’s part of who he is. Def sounds like ur bf tries hard, it’s about meeting halfway, y’know? Ppl need 2 understand neurodivergent ≠ bad. Talk 2 ur sis and friend, help them see the world thru his eyes. Maybe they’ll need time to adjust but patience is 🗝️. As for ur bf, reassure him he’s enough just as he is; everyone’s got quirks, neurodivergent or not. 😊👍
Your sister’s comparing apples to oranges. A neurodivergent partner isn’t gonna act like her neurotypical bf, and that doesn’t make your relationship less valid
Hey, look, first off, u gotta remember – ur BF ain’t broken, he doesn’t need ‘fixing’. He’s just diff. Everyone’s got quirks. If big sis + BFF can’t see past his struggles n focus on how he treats u, that’s on them. It sounds like ur dude is doing his best. Instead of tryna mold him into something ‘typical’, help them understand what he deals with. If they choose not to, it’s a them prob, not a you or bf prob. Autism isn’t easy, but neither is ignorance. And hey, love > everything else, right? Hang in there, u got dis! 💪💜
Not exactly the same but, my boyfriend had a rough childhood and naturally sought out parental figures in mine since his weren’t around. It showed through him “showing off” because he wanted acceptance. My parents & Step’s thought he was arrogant for it.
One day on the phone while hearing them shit on him I finally let it rip on my mom. I told her about some of his past and that all he was trying to do was get them to like him. That I thought it was ridiculous to judge him like that without knowing him (My parents live in different states so they also didn’t get to know him). Afterwards, my mom texting me about how she misunderstood and was sorry for her behavior (kinda lol).
I think sometimes human beings judge others based off the limited knowledge, it’s unfair but it is human. You need to just have a conversation with your family. Let them know that your partner has these “quirks” and if they can’t accept him then they will have to see less of you. It’s unfair and not okay, but if he is someone you see a future with then you have to put your energy toward him.
Side note: His “quirks” aren’t going to go away, he will always be the person he is now. I don’t get a bad vibe from this but please don’t try to “fix” him. My partner has a bad attention span and sometimes I have to tell him to focus up lol, but it is also one of my favorite things about him because he points out cool stuff sometimes.
Don’t try to tweak your BF for your sister’s/friend’s sake. They need an attitude tweaking in the name of acceptance, sensitivity, and understanding. Hopefully, time will help with that if they have no experience with autism.
In any interaction between family members, there might be disagreements or misunderstandings. You don’t have to make it your job to make your friends and sister happy. People are largely going to be how they want to be. Focus more on enjoying your own life with your boyfriend.
That sucks. It really all depends if you love him enough to deal with the nonsense.