My MiL lives very close to us (walkable distance). This has never been an issue at all during dating and early marriage but now that the baby is here it means she comes to visit without asking and is trying to see us and the baby daily. The MIL is loud and extroverted and I am the opposite. This has gotten really sour after birth as I had made strict rules about visitation in hospital and at home which of course she ignored. So I actually ended up moving in with my parents for 3 months pp because she was making me absolutely crazy. Like panic attacks that she would show up again to “can I take a picture of the baby” or hold the baby or “bond with the baby” (No one needs to hold or bond with a newborn except the parents!! Why don’t they get this 😭)
Anyways. I had to come back eventually. We are 5 mo pp now. I tried to set rules about NO interactions after a certain time because we want to have family time and bed time routines. She ignores it. I asked her to be more calm around the baby, she ignores me. I told her no play dates with the baby cause the baby was struggling a little settling back in (probably because she could feel me being anxious) – she completely dismissed what I said and also did the same when my husband tried to explain the situation to her. I really don’t know what to do. I told her that I am an introvert and need quiet time and recharge because hanging out all the time with everyone is draining my energy. What does she do? Show up unannounced at 6.30pm to see the baby. I don’t know how what else to do. She is making me want to move away. I can’t stand it. I didn’t say anything right after birth but I know I should have. So trying to be more vocal now and as soon as I try she again dismisses me and I see in her face that she is not understanding (or wants to understand). Please help.
Comments
Quick Rule Reminders:
OP’s needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don’t be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion.
^(Full Rules) ^(|) ^(Acronym Index) ^(|) ^(Flair Guide)^(|) ^(Report PM Trolls)
Resources: ^(In Crisis?) ^(|) ^(Tips for Protecting Yourself) ^(|) ^(Our Book List) ^(|) ^(Our Wiki)
Welcome to /r/JUSTNOMIL!
I’m botinlaw. I help people follow your posts!
^(To be notified as soon as wilburga posts an update) [^click ^here.](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=botinlaw&subject=Subscribe&message=Subscribe wilburga JUSTNOMIL) ^(|) ^(For help managing your subscriptions,) ^(click here.)
^(I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please) ^(contact the moderators of this subreddit) ^(if you have any questions or concerns.)
Ma’am, lock all your doors and draw the blinds. She’s not listening to you verbally so keep her out physically. It’s your house and your baby!
Ignore her knocking and put your phone on Do Not Disturb.
Stop answering the damned door
Lock your door and don’t answer, a few times of this she may get the hint. If she has a key change the locks. You and your husband need to pay down the rules and the consequences of not following them. If she has no consequences she will not change her behavior or respect your rules.
Tell her to leave when she turns up uninvited, or don’t answer the door.
Boundaries are only boundaries if you have consequences for someone breaking them, otherwise it’s just words.
“MIL no uninvited visits is our boundary, if you choose to ignore this we will have to put you on a 2 week time out away from us and baby. If you break it again it will be a month. If you continue to ignore our boundaries and rules as parents we will have no choice but to go no contact. This is not us being cruel or mean, this is a direct response to your actions.”
What consequences is she getting? Because this will be the rest of your life as long as you are giving her suggestions to steamroll. Lock the door, pull the blinds, mute your phones, unplug the doorbell, anything except quietly giving in because “you only asked nicely”.
Just don’t let her in. Lock the doors and say NO.
If she calls you, let her know you’ve already explained there needs to be boundaries and you’ll enforce them.
I understand it can be hard, but you have to do it. She will just keep steamrolling you.
I don’t mean to be rude to you, but you are just letting her walk all over you. The solution here is super simple:
Lock. The. Door.
If she has a key, change the locks because I will guarantee you that she has made a copy.
Keep the doors locked at all times and send her a text that says “ you must reach out to ME via text or phone and ask for permission to visit if I do not respond or I do not say yes then you may not come over and we will keep the door locked and not answer it. Every time you come over unannounced, you will go on an X day timeout, which will be increased for each time you break the rule.”
“ we are going to cut visits back to one day per week (or whatever you are comfortable with) for one hour only and you may not stay past Xpm”
Don’t let her in.
Don’t respond to texts.
Take the baby away when she breaks a boundary.
Also WHERE is your husband in all of this? Why is he not protecting your peace by putting his mother in her place?
Pull down the shades, turn off the TV, lock the door and don’t answer it.
Why do you answer the door???????
Lock the door and don’t let her in. IT’S YOUR HOUSE AND YOUR BABY. And if she tries to climb in a window or something, call the cops.
What is your husband doing to help you?
What is your husband doing to stop his mother? How is she getting into the house?
Your first step is to take away any unfettered access she has (key, code) and then turn her away when she shows up outside of the set visiting schedule.
Call the cops if she doesn’t leave after being turned away.
Be very clear. She can visit at these times, all others she will be turned away and the cops will be called if she doesn’t leave. Then stick to it.
Your DH needs to tell her she is NOT allowed to visit unless he’s home (to run interference) and keep your doors locked so she can’t just come in.
Lock the door. Take away her key. Ignore her calls. Tell her explicitly that unless you invite her over, she’s not welcome, and every time she tries to come by uninvited, her next invite gets pushed out another 2 weeks.
Make your husband deal with her. Stop “trying” and just DO.
DON’T OPEN THE DOOR!
No more explaining. She understands what you are saying, and she just rolls right over you because you are letting her. From now on, when you are not available for visits, keep the doors locked, the curtains drawn, and don’t answer the door for any reason.
I would have your husband relay the message that she shouldn’t be coming over unexpected and uninvited, then I would get a ring camera for your front door and always keep the door locked/front curtains of your house closed. Don’t open the door for her! You do not owe her unrestricted access to you and your baby. If she gets upset, your husband will have to manage the conversation with her
Don’t open the door. Disconnect the bell. Warn her that you will have her trespassed if she keeps ignoring you and her wishes do not trump your needs!
You cannot change other people. You are only in control of yourself. Does she have a key? Change the locks. Set times and rules for visits. Like she has to call ahead of time. If she shows up unannounced she isn’t let in. I know this is extreme but some people don’t care what you have to say. You have to create strong boundaries. If she still can’t respect your boundaries I would suggest going back to your family. Make it clear you are doing this to get away from her. Let her know she is disrupting your lives too much and putting a wedge between you and your husband. Just remember that you can’t force anyone to follow your boundaries so when she oversteps the boundary, you need to remove yourself from the situation in order to maintain the boundary. Because you cannot control other people, only yourself. And you have the right to have peace in your life.
stop being available. keep your door closed and locked and make sure she has no key. if she has a key, change the locks. tell her that you’re not accepting visitors who you didn’t invite, and don’t accept a visit that wasn’t planned. that means you don’t open or answer the door, no matter how loudly she knocks or how many times she calls from the stoop. you’re busy. let her stand there all day.
Keep your doors locked. Let her knock, let her scream, let her wear herself out, and then text her and remind her that she needs permission before she visits. It won’t happen overnight, but it won’t take long before she gets the picture.
OP, you don’t owe her access or ‘bonding time’ with the baby. You are right to say only the parents need to bond at this stage. You do not have to open the door to her. If she has a key, change the locks in case she made a copy. Get a ring camera if you don’t already have one.
But the best response will be your silence, you not letting her in. If she tries to visit unannounced your DH can send a short text reminding her that you’re not accepting visits unannounced or after 5pm (or whatever the cut-off is you prefer).
Don’t be pressurised into her hanging out all day on a scheduled weekend visit either. And if she just won’t stop pushing perhaps a time out will curb her enthusiasm a bit.
There’s no reasoning with unreasonable people. You need to stop treating her like a normal person, because she isn’t one. Talking has not and will not solve this problem, you need to make sure that her actions have consequences and that your husband is on board with enforcing them.
Boundaries are for you, not MiL. If she shows up without an agreement that you’re available: don’t let her in.
If she’s upsetting your baby by being too loud: hand her her bag, tell her the visit is over and go to your bedroom.
No play dates without you or your baby’s father, and she needs to respect baby’s routine.
Stick to your guns! Your baby isn’t a pet!
change your locks and keep the doors closed
Seriously just don’t open the door, if she texts you tell her you said no visitors and are sticking to that. If she’s gonna show up, it does not mean you have to answer. If she has a key, change your locks. There is no need for her to be there every day doing this to you. Make your husband tell her to leave, tell him to put his foot down as it’s his mother and it’s not fair to you.
She can show up but you don’t have to let her in. Text her from the other side of the door “Sorry we aren’t able to entertain guests at this time. Please make arrangements ahead of time via text.” And then mute her and stop responding for the rest of the day.
Oh, she understands. She just doesn’t care what you want. She doesn’t respect you. She cares more about her own feelings than she does your baby’s needs.
Lock your door and don’t open it when she shows up unannounced. If she has a key, change the locks today.
This is your home. You don’t have to allow her access to it.
Also, it’s your husband’s job to protect you from his mother. If he can’t or won’t, you really should consider going back to your parents’ house.
Put a sign on the door that says mom and baby napping do not disturb. Put in a ring doorbell and when she comes to the door, you can either ignore her or tell her now is not a good time. Try setting up an actual schedule, something like you can stop by from 12 to one on Tuesday and Thursday. Any other visits are by invitation only.
Call realtor and have them come over to give you an estimate on what you can sell the house for. Make sure your mother-in-law knows you’re looking to sell the house and move at least two hours away. I would strongly encourage your husband to start looking for a job anywhere, so you have even further justification to move.
Are you letting her in…?
Boundaries without consequences are just wasted oxygen.
You need to give her consequences.
Start by not opening the door. So she walked over. Doesn’t mean you have to let her in.
If she has keys, ya’ll need to change the locks.
Boundaries without consequences are just suggestions. She’s behaving like a toddler so try treating this as preparation for the toddler years and start making her experience consequences.
So first things first- tell husband that he either backs you up or he misses out on more of his baby’s life. Your child will never be this little again, and I can’t believe he was willing to let you go.
Second: make a list of rules. Post them on your door. “No unannounced visitors. No visitors after 6pm. All scheduled visitors must use calm voices.”
Now the first few times she comes over, point to the sign and say “I’m sorry, but you need to follow the rules. Next time ask permission. Please go home.” If she shoves her way in the house, you tell her firmly “I said go home. Leave or I’m calling the police.” If she doesn’t leave, call the police.
When she starts following that rule and you allow her to visit, make sure you discuss the rules with her every time you arrange a visit. Do not let her in the house until she agrees to the rules. If she disregards you, you say “okay, clearly today isn’t a good day to visit. Let me know when you’re ready to follow the rules and we can schedule something at another time.”
If she visits and you tell her to do something or stop doing something and she ignores you, ask her “what did I just say?” Keep asking until she either says she wasn’t listening or admits it. Then if she doesn’t know, repeat it. If she repeats it and gives an excuse, say “just so we’re clear, that was not a suggestion. If you continue to ignore me, you will be asked to leave.”
Now here’s where it gets tricky: She WILL eacalate. She’ll push, she’ll test, she’ll try to find loopholes, she’ll cry, she’ll get angry. Let her have her feelings. But if she makes her feelings your problem, tell her “MIL, I know you don’t like having to follow rules, but I’m not willing to let you treat me like this. Let’s take a 2 week break, if you can sort yourself out, we can try again.” If she’s still upset in 2 weeks and doing all the things- she’s earned another 2 weeks.
I bet this all fills you with dread- but things can’t continue as they are.
Make sure you have a bag for you and baby at your parent’s house in case your husband doesn’t back you up, and make it clear to him that if you have to leave again, that’s it. She’s not having a relationship with your baby and he’s going to miss out on seeing his child grow up. If he decides he’d rather she be happy- then that says everything about who he is.
Enforce the rules!!! She’s tuning you out. You have to mean business! Lock the door or get new locks. Only let her in when you want. Answer the phone when you want. If you want peace you have to put your foot down. Otherwise it’s just going to be a lifetime of complaining about MIL.
Lock the doors. Don’t answer the door. Disconnect the doorbell if you have one.
Just because she shows up, doesn’t mean she needs to be let in.
She has a key to the house? Change the locks. Whatever it costs is worth it for your piece of mind/sanity.
She’s ignoring your boundaries because you let her. She dismisses you because you let her. She walks all over you BECAUSE YOU LET HER.
If you don’t enforce the boundaries you want to see, they will not exist to her. Just like you guys being adults doesn’t seem to exist to her because you’re not acting like it. Seems like the both of you need to find your spines and put her in her place by enforcing what you say.
The problem is that you don’t have boundaries, you’re just making requests. Boundaries are things you enforce.
If she shows up at 6:30 and you told her not to, don’t let her in.
If you say, “no uninvited visits,” and she shows up anyway, don’t let her in.
If you ask her to be quieter and she refuses, send her home.
You are going to have to play hardball. It’s all she’s going to understand.
Don’t answer the door. Eventually she will figure it out.
There needs to be consequences for her actions. Boundaries without consequences are merely suggestions.
No unannounced visits. 1st time. No visit. 2nd time. 1 week time-out. 3rd time. 2 weeks. 4th time. A month with no visits.
If she’s too loud? Visit ends. Escort her to the door .
2nd time. 2 week time-out.
If she comes after hours. Don’t answer the door. 1 week time out.
Whatever your rules are, there have to be consequences for her actions. She’s an excited granny, i get it, but you are the parents. She’s going to raise a fuss. Remind her you began with a request, which she chose to ignore. So now, this is how you’re going forward.
And stop being afraid of not being the nice guy. Think about what nerve it takes for her to completely stomp all over your request over and over again.
Time to get firm and stop worrying about if everyone likes you. It will bring you a lot of peace!
Why isn’t your husband handling this? He “tried to explain it to her” but she’s not listening so now it’s time for boundaries. Sit her down together and state the boundaries for one last time and tell her that if she doesn’t respect your boundaries you will start enforcing them. For example, don’t answer the door or phone calls outside of your available hours. Give her the number of visits per week that you are ok with. If she ignores that, don’t answer the door or the phone. If she’s not calm when your baby needs the calm then ask her to leave.
How did she react with you going to your parents for 3 months? Why did your husband allow it to get to the point where you had to flee?
Next time she shows up .. call the cops and have her officially trespassed from your property. Then the next time she just shows up have her arrested
Do you have a relative that is blunt and to the point? I am one, and when my family needs help with stuff like this, they call or ask me to visit. I usually just keep telling them they need to leave, they are not wanted, who asked their opinion, do they not know how to read time, do they not understand English, etc… it usually works really well, and to be honest, I don’t care if they like me or not. My family and friends that I care about get relief and no hassle, and I get to be as mean as needed.
My grandmother told me the most value bit of info regarding mothers and mothers-in-law. “ Respect is not obedience and as a grown independent adult your parents and in laws are peers. You treat them as any other peer and that includes enforcing boundaries and correcting them. When you are not being respected as the parent you cut physical contact until they respect your wishes as a parent.” This is due to the fact that she can’t accept her lessor role and authority. She knows exactly what she is doing and she is doing it on purpose. Put her in her place hard! However all of this SHOULD be handled by your husband. His mom, his problem.
Stop letting her in. I know you feel like you don’t have the upper hand, but you do. You hold all the cards. You’ve told her no impromptu visits. Tell her if she keeps it up, she won’t be allowed in. Then, when she does it again (and she will because she’s not had boundaries enforced by consequences before) hold to your word.
So long as she gets what she wants when she crosses boundaries, she’s going to keep doing it.
There’s no point having boundaries unless you enforce them. So you tell her she has to call and ASK before she comes over. If she comes without asking then you don’t let her in. If you tell her not to do something while she’s there but she does it anyway then you tell her to leave. If she refuses then you take your baby and lock yourself in your bedroom until she’s gone. Your husband needs to have your back with this. Decide what the rules are together and enforce them together. Good luck.
Type up the list of boundaries. Every time your MIL just shows up, don’t answer the door but send her the list. If she still keeps showing up, you and your husband might cut her off for X days or even weeks.
Alternatively, you might consider starting with a set period of NC, your husband might consider saying something like this:
You’ve ignored what we’ve wanted to the point that OP literally moved out for 3 months. Now, you’re still ignoring our boundaries. Because of this, we don’t want to hear, see, or talk to you for X weeks. If you show up? We won’t let you in. If you harass us, we’ll push back even if that involves the police. You need to change and manage your expectations and respect us as parents.
She’s treating you like a doormat because she can. I get that you’re introverted she’s taking advantage of this thinking you’ll not call her out.
You could tell her what day it was ok to visit and only that day and time , or you could just not let her in.
Does your husband know how badly you are feeling? If he doesn’t, tell him.
Stop answering the door.
Put your phones on DND after 18:00. If she shows up unannounced, do not answer any calls/texts that come through, and don’t answer the door.
Boundaries do not dictate how others treat you, they dictate how you will respond. If you’ve already stated that you do not want visitors after 18:00, then do not have visitors after 18:00.
Stop opening the door.
Lock the door and ignore her
You need to actually say your truth to her and tell her if she can’t listen then you won’t open the door. Something like
“MIL, I am adjusting to being a new mom. I need your support in the way I ask, by following what I am asking of you. No more visiting uninvited, I need space to do this. If you can’t give me basic respect then I simply won’t be opening the door for you. I want our relationship to be good, but I feel like you completely disregard what I’m asking for, and if this continues, you will drive me away.” And your husband needs to be there and he needs to stand the fuck up and say “are you hearing this , mom? Do you get it?”. There is no sense in not saying it and living an uncomfortable life when you don’t have to.
How is she getting into your house if you don’t want her there?
Lock the door. If a visit wasn’t cleared prior to arrival the door does not open. Don’t bend to her will. Get hubby on board. Some mild will do this stuff and end up with a restraining order.
Your husband needs to be more firm with her.
Not your circus; not your monkeys. This is your husband’s problem. He needs to deal with it FIRMLY or I’d suggest moving back in with your parents permanently. The damage done to children who see their parents constantly panicking is real.
Buy a ring doorbell, keep the door locked and when she knocks, tell her through the doorbell app that it’s not a good time, and she needs to call and ask before she comes over.
Do this every single time. Either she will get tired of being turned away and comply with your rules, or she will throw a fit and you will have an excuse to put her in an extended time out.
Lock your doors and don’t let her in. It’s that simple! If she wasn’t invited, she doesn’t come in. If she has a key, change the locks. If she comes over and you think it’s been enough time, take the baby and go to your bedroom and lock the door. Start protecting your peace. I can’t believe your husband watched you leave for 3 entire months and yet he still hasn’t decided to put his mother in her place! What will it take? Divorce papers? Why isn’t he putting a stop to this?
Stop letting her come over all of the time. If she shows up tell her it’s not a good time, and close the door. If she has a key take it back and/or change your locks. Keep your door locked, when you are home, so she can’t just walk in.
Tell your husband if he doesn’t do something, and set his mother straight, that you will leave again. Tell him you just may make it permanent if he can’t put you and your baby first .
Stop letting her inside. Just because someone knocks doesn’t mean you have to answer.
Stop letting her in. If it’s not an arranged visit, and she just shows up again after you already told her several times what visitation times/days are okay, then simply DON’T OPEN THE DOOR. When she shows up go in your room and shut the door and ignore her knocking or calls or whatever. You are not obligated to have her over on her whim. You are not obligated to answer the door when you don’t know she is coming.
If you don’t do this, IT’S NEVER GOING TO STOP! EVER!!!
Once she figures out that she can’t come over uninvited go over the visitation schedule again and stick to it. She will probably try to revert back to her old ways again after a week or whatever. Stick to your guns. No is a complete sentence!!!
You shouldn’t have to be dealing with this at five months postpartum or at any time at all, but especially not while you are trying to get back into your normal routine and your body is still trying to heal. Don’t let her guilt and manipulate you. If you start to feel bad for her, just remember how this makes you feel.
She doesn’t have sympathy towards this situation and if she pretends that she does, it’s only so that she can get her way. Just keep saying no until she understands, it’s not gonna change. It’s probably gonna take a while. It’s better than enabling her behavior and allowing her to come over whenever she wants.
Get a new door mat “Visits by appointment only”
Why are you baring all of this? Why is your husband allowing his mother to do this? He would rather you leave your home and live away from him than deal with his mom?
She sounds like a nightmare, but your husband needs to step up, because this is still happening because of him. He needs to deal with his mom. You deserve better than this from you husband. He kinda sucks.
Don’t open the door.
Make sure she doesn’t have a key to your house and lock the door. If she comes, do not answer. Set visiting hours and make sure your husband is there for them.
I say this in a kind way, but she does bc YOU LET HER. You can tell her whatever you want, but if you don’t enforce it why would she listen??
Repeat after me: LOCK YOUR DOOR. If she has a key spend the $ to get new locks. If it’s after designate visiting time or you just don’t want to see her don’t open the door, let her knock until her knuckles fall off. She will eventually get the msg.
If she is being to loud and obnoxious around the baby, tell her to leave. Explain why, I’ve asked you to tone it down your loud hyper activity is to much for the baby, so go home and we’ll try again later.
With ppl like this you have to blunt and stone cold. Don’t give an inch, don’t backtrack, and don’t repeat yourself. She WILL eventually fall in line when she realizes she can’t wear you down anymore to get her way. But you have to stay on top of it and mean it. You talk about it like you have no choice, but you do. To be frank, you need to be a bitch. That’s the only way she will understand. Seriously take back your power.
I sure hope she doesn’t have a key. If she does, it’s time to change the locks and not open the door when she knocks. Disconnect the doorbell and mute her on your phone. If she doesn’t have a key that makes it ever so much easier.
Keep your door locked. Don’t answer it unless you’re expecting company. Get a ring camera so you can screen who’s at the door if needed. Change the locks if she has a key. The reason she keeps doing this is because you keep letting her in and letting her get away with this behavior. You & your husband have to enforce the boundaries you place, she’s not going to follow them unless you do. Think of it like correcting a child’s bad behavior. She needs consequences for her actions.
Stop letting her in your house. If she has a key, change the locks. You have the power here.
Door locked ,locks changed if she has a key, ring camera so you can tell her to go home and call ahead to see if you’re up for visitors and if the answer is no- she needs to stay away. Be very blunt and almost mean, “you are not welcome to drop in whenever you want and if you cannot respect our wishes than you will lose all access to us all. Your behavior is unacceptable and will not be tolerated.”
Going to suck as an introvert bc you may not be great at confrontation but it needs to happen. And tell her if she shows up uninvited again you will have her trespassed. And follow through by calling the cops. Bc she may not listen to you, but if she doesn’t listen to them she gets arrested and it will be her own fault. Scorched earth.
Why isn’t your husband shutting her down??
“Why are you here?, I don’t remember agreeing to this visit” “we’re having family time right now this isn’t a good time” “no LO is not available” “ it’s time for you to leave” “NO” “please leave”
Quit answering the freaking door!!
Install a camera doorbell and answer through there if she comes by. “Sorry, we’re not taking visitors right now. We can arrange something for another time”.
Keep your doors locked. If she shows up knocking, ignore her. If she texts, tell her she knows the rules. If she calls, hand the phone to your husband. It’s his mother, and he needs to set her straight.
Stop letting her in
What are the consequences for her continually ignoring your boundaries?
And where is your husband??? Does he need to grow a set and stand up to her?
Why do you let her get away with it? No means no. Schedule a meeting every few weeks, if you absolutely have to, but she won’t get it until you stand firm.
Honestly, you keep opening the door so what do you expect? Don’t answer the door. Put consequences in place.
Ask her if she needs to see a neurologist because her short term memory is gone.
Myself as an introvert understand you, but sometime we have to take ourself out of that, we have to speak up, u have to give consequences! It blows my mind your husband rather have u back with your parents than calling out him mom. DO NOT LET HER IN. DO NOT OPEN THE DOOR, she’s doing this bc she know how you are, and she keeps doing bc she gets no consequences.
Keep the doors locked and don’t answer
Let her stand outside and make an arse of herself
How does she get into the house? Stop letting her in!!!
A. Are you answering the door and letting her in? Next time, say no, and close the door.
B. Does she have a key and let herself in? Add another lock, preferably a keypad. Turn on her code only when you want to. Otherwise, it’s off, and she can’t get in unless you let her in (see A for instructions on answering the door).
Why doesn’t your husband put his foot down?
Stop telling and start showing.
Never answer the door when she doesn’t ask first. Ask, not inform you she is coming. Never. Not just after a certain time. It’s called training.
She is being loud. You address it each and every single time. If it continues ask her to leave. Put her in a time out.
She is not changing because she has no incentive to change. What she is doing is working for her.
Stop explaining things to her. It makes it seem like she is a part of the decision making process. She isn’t. It also gives her information to fight back with.
Instead tell her the rule. No, maybe or sometimes of whatever. Firm, this is what we are doing, period. Then enforce it.
The bottom line is you teach people how to treat you. So start teaching her.
Permanently move out until your husband puts his mother in her place by giving her CONSEQUENCES! If he won’t demand therapy
Do t answer the door. If you do, don’t let her in. It is hard but set firm boundaries. My MIL was the type to tell us she’d get here at noon then show up at 9 am after a 2 hour drive (with her cell phone) and would tee hee, isn’t it funny I showed up early with no notice while we’re busy doing stuff.
She once made the 2 hour drive from her house (with her dog) to drop stuff off we did not ask for nor did she ask if we wanted it. My husband was at work and I was in the bath. We’d had some issues with our neighbor and possible drug use so people ringing the door bell then attempting to open the door repeatedly(locked and Ring camera later showed they found they’re way to the correct house next door). Luckily for me my husband was extremely supportive and just told me to ignore her. She waited in our driveway for 30 minutes before calling him and he’s like, “she’s probably napping or bathing, so sorry!” So she left the stuff and drove the 2 hours home.
She has NEVER again pulled that BS because she learned she’s not get what she wanted.
She’s doing all of this because you and your husband allow her to. You need to get on the same page and stop answering the door. Literally let her stay out there. Don’t answer calls, whatever, but absolutely do not let her in the house if she hasn’t been invited. Lie and say you’d been out if you want to, but please stop letting her control your life in your own home.
Does she have a key to the house? If yes, change the locks, if no, lock the door and ignore the knocking.
Have husband tell her that every time she breaks a boundary by coming by after x time or visiting more then x times a week, etc. Then she will not be able to hold baby, then STICK TO THE CONSEQUENCES.
She will continue to do these things as long as you allow them.
Could you say to her -calmly- something like, “MIL, I’m not sure if you realize this, but I moved back with my parents for three months because I was having anxiety attacks because you will not respect my boundaries about visitation. I’ve been back for several weeks and am considering moving away. Is there anything I can do to help you better understand the impact of what you’re doing?” Then just sit there and wait for an answer. What she says will be very revealing.
Move back in with your parents, your husband is not protecting you.
Why are you letting her in?
Don’t open the door. Lock it. Have your husband text her that you won’t be opening the door to visitors unless arranged prior. Especially any visitors that come after 6pm. This is wind down time when you are getting baby calm for sleep.
WHERE IS YOUR HUSBAND DURING ALL THIS?!?!?’
“MIL, which part of the word ‘no’ is difficult for you to understand? I’ve already been chased out of my home for months because you refuse to listen to any of our rules. At this point, I’m ready to move out full time and not tell you where we are – you need to listen to what we say or you WILL NOT be let in the house. DO NOT come after 6, you can come once a week to visit after being invited. If you don’t follow our rules, I am NOT kidding, you will not see this baby for a year. These are not suggestions, they are law.”
Lock your door and don’t answer.
Don’t let her in! She’s doing this because you let her
Why is your husband not dealing with his mother???
Boundaries without consequences are not even suggestions.
Make this your mantra.
Sit down with your husband and discuss what consequences you are both comfortable with.
Also, follow everyone else’s suggestion and stop letting her in. Lock your doors at the time you said no more visitors and do not answer the door.
Do not open the door.
Keep your door locked at all times. Do not open it. Stare at her and go back to whatever you were doing.
Don’t let her in! That would drive me crazy.
She won’t respect you so you’re going to have to be firm.
LOCK THE DOOR and don’t answer when she comes without prior arrangements!! This sets the tone for the rest of your kids life, don’t play nice, if your husband won’t be the bad guy, it’s your role unfortunately.
Communicate clearly, once, that she may not drop by uninvited. If she tries, she will not be allowed in. (If she has a key, change the locks before communicating this boundary.)
Make sure that the communication is clear, direct, and polite. Do not worry about it being nice or friendly. Do not add any caveats or otherwise soften the message. Consider communicating it in writing.
Then enforce the boundary.
Do not open the door and turn off the doorbell, so she doesn’t wake up the baby. Good-luck.
Lock the door, disengage doorbell if you have one, and do not let her in. Tell her what your rules are, then end the conversation. Mute her on your phone or block if it makes you feel safer. She can only interact with DH, and he has to stand up to her, too.
Don’t let her in when she shows up. If she has a key then change the locks. Let her know from now on visits that she was invited too will mean she’s no longer welcome and you won’t let her into your home. And stick to it. When she stomps on a boundary there needs to be consequences that are enforced otherwise those boundaries are just mere suggestions.
Stop letting her in when she shows up unannounced. Don’t even answer the door. Keep the doors locked, and if GOD FORBID she has a key, change the freaking locks.
You know you don’t have to let her in, don’t you?
If you can/want to, I’d move. She’s a nightmare.
Don’t answer the door. She can stand there and wait and then walk home. Unless she has asked to come over she doesn’t get welcomed
Simple.
Don’t open the door. Get a Ring Doorbell and tell her to leave. If she acts a fool you have it recorded.
Why are you even opening the door? Get a doorbell camera and just don’t newer the door! Put your phones on do not disturb when it’s family bonding time! Our kids just had our grandson 4 months ago and if I want to talk to my daughter I just send her a text that “just call me when you are free or have the time, it’s not an emergency “ then she calls when she can it may take a day to hear back but I understand. Yes this is our first grandchild so of course we want to spend a lot of time with him but it’s his parents call as to when we can see him. I think because we have been so understanding we got to babysit him on Sunday so they could go out.
Get that camera and lock your doors so you can enjoy your beautiful baby! Good luck!
Change the locks. Dont give her a key. Dont answer the door. Tell husband to solve his problem or move in with your parents fulltime.
What do you mean what do you do? Don’t jet her in the house!!! Talk her to quiet down or she has to leave and follow through. Your boundaries don’t work because neither of you are enforcing them!!!
Hang on… your husband allowed his mother to literally drive you and your baby from your home, rather than stamp out her behaviour?
This is wild. You need to lock the door and stop answering it no matter how much she carries on.
To put it bluntly, lock the doors, and tell her to eff off. You have been nice, and attempted to explain your needs. She doesn’t care about anything but what SHE wants, so it’s time to only care about what is best for you and your baby. Tell her that every time she attempts to visit/intrude/disrupt your schedule, she will not be allowed to visit for a month. Then, strictly enforce it! No dropping in for ANY REASON.
Don’t open the door for her. If she has a key change the locks.
You have a husband problem, he needs to stop this. There is no reason for you to need to talk to her about this.
I had a neighbourhood grandmother like this. These kinds of people refuse to call ahead and ask if it’s a good time because that gives you the power to say no. So they just show up.
At first I tried ending each visit with “please call ahead next time so I can have some fresh baking for with our tea”… pleasant, right? Didn’t work.
Then I tried saying “now’s not a good time… I just getting ready leave”, and she’d say “oh, just a quick cuppa” and push her way past me.
So I started opening the door partway with my foot against it, and just saying “good morning/evening… now’s not a good time… please call ahead when you’d like a visit. Have a good day/night”, and closing the door.
And when that didn’t work, I just stopped answering the door.