I find it difficult to leave the wrong men (too much emotional baggage, manchild, directionless or just bad for me), because I feel like I’ll have to start over again if I leve …. all of the time and efforts invested for him are gone to waste. Women who want children have additional stressors when it comes to the time invested in a relationship.
Can someone pls guide me? How do I leave? My heart feels reluctant because at least if I can save this relationship then I will be in a better position, than leaving and having wasted all that energy & time… and having to start over again (feels scary and daunting)
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If you stay with the wrong man, all your time and effort is still wasted. Just more of it is wasted. Would you rather waste more time and effort, or less?
The wrong guy relationship is like a totaled car. Are you going to try to repair a totaled car? No.
Yes, it will be annoying to have to hunt for another vehicle. But who in their right mind is going to try to repair something destined for the junkyard? You won’t be in a better position; it’s more wasting time being tethered to a junk yard car relationship when you could be test driving what’s a better and safer fit for you.
Keeping being tethered to a junk yard relationship just drains you of more time, emotional capital, money, and other resources. Put YOU and your wellbeing first.
Junkyard relationships drain you, body and soul.
I love sewing, and crafts. The last guy I dated was actually super into crafts too and supportive of that stuff but his life took up so.much of my time. I always went to him because his schedule, kids, ect.
I had bought a sewing machine towards the end and in a month had bought some fabric with no time to start. Couldn’t really clean my house, ect.
OH MY GOD I HAVE SO MUCH TIME FOR MYSELF RIGHT NOW. I made a dress for my best friend, I’m setting up my extra room as a craft room. I have so many plans. My poor little old lady of a dog is so happy. When I stopped investing in someone who didn’t invest in me, I had time to invest in my own joy.
The same thing happened when I left my ex of 9 years when I was still really sick with IIH. I was even financially relying on him. I didn’t thrive until I left.
Realise that going into a relationship with a view to “fix” them is already doomed. People only ever change if THEY want to, not because someone else wants to turn them into the perfect partner.
The only question at that point is how much more time and energy do you throw away?
What I learned is that you got to leave early if things don’t look promising, basically minimising the sunk cost.
At the very first sign of disrespect or serious incompatibility I’m OUT.
Something that has helped me is the below idea:
If you knew your plane was going to crash, would you still board it because you spent a lot of money on tickets?
The best time to leave is the first red flag. The second best time is now.
This might sound cold but I’m only suggesting it because you might benefit.
Step one: change your mindset. You are the main character of your life. If you were watching a movie where the main character was in your relationship, you’d be yelling at the screen for them to take a risk, take a chance and not settle for less than nothing, right?
Step two: internalize the idea that the only thing worse than wasting five years is wasting five years and one day.
Step three to keep this from happening again: put two jars in very clear line of sight in your house. Buy some red and green beads. When you’re in your next relationship, get into the habit of adding a red bead to one jar when the guy does something shitty and a green bead to the other when the guy does something that makes your heart sing. Obviously don’t tell him what they represent. Assess after six months, assess after a year. If the red jar is fuller it doesn’t matter how many green beads there are, you end it and go look for better.
This isn’t about finding perfection. It’s about training yourself to recognize mistreatment and learning to trust yourself again. Eventually you won’t need the jars but the point is getting to that place where you respect yourself enough not to tolerate mediocre. And then you’ll waste less time overall.
Assuming the end goal is a relationship where you are happy, the steps to get there would be: 1) leave unhappy relationship, 2) become emotionally available for a healthy relationship, 3) meet potential people for a good relationship, 4) start a good relationship, 5) be in a happy relationship.
So, leaving an unhappy relationship isn’t going backwards in the relationship steps, it’s just one step forward on your way towards to being in the right one.
Sunk cost fallacy.
Make an exit plan and stick to it. You already know he’s not the partner for you. If you stay you will RUIN your life.
Dont know, if you want a guy’s point of view, but from a psychology-enthusiast pov, here’s tips to leaving a relationship due to sunk cost fallacy:
Recognize the Trap: Your past investment doesn’t dictate your future happiness.
Assess Realistically: Is the relationship currently good for you? What’s the likely future?
Reframe “Waste”: Past time is learning. Starting over is a chance for better.
Acknowledge Feelings: It’s okay to be reluctant, but don’t let fear control you.
Plan Your Exit: Decide to leave, make practical steps, lean on support.
Focus Forward: Prioritize self-care and your future happiness.
Bottom line: Don’t stay in a bad relationship because of the time you’ve already invested.
Your well-being and future happiness are more valuable. Leaving opens the door for something better.
My best friend of 30 years was always the type who wanted to have a boyfriend around, even if she knew there wasn’t really any future with the guy she was with at a particular time. She is fun and smart and gorgeous, but she was also a bit insecure, and I guess she just needed the validation of having a guy around. She always knew she wanted to have kids and then we were around 35 she got pregnant by her boyfriend at that time. She has pretty much admitted to me that she has stayed with him because he’s a good Dad, and he is actually a really good guy, but I know she’s not head over heels.
Maybe a more useful way to think of this is that wasting time with a guy that you know is not the one is taking away the time and opportunities that would actually lead to an ideal match.
Science.
Personality psychology is one of the most robust fields in social sciences. Many traits are heritable and we see much less change than people think.
This knowledge makes you understand you can’t change people.
I’d rather start over again finding someone that respects me instead of being an emotional turmoil and trying to put effort into a failing relationship. There’s freedom when you start over especially when you know you’re walking away from something that didn’t deserve so much effort from you.
why would you not want to start over again in those situations?
Dealing with this as well myself. After this most recent break up I’ve been really working to reframe my mindset. I think it’s important to get away from the idea of “starting over.” I don’t want to restart my life for men. I want to find a partner that fits into my life and brings more to it. If he leaves one day, those things he brought will still be there hopefully and I will have grown. Having kids already and focusing on us as the family unit has made it easier for me to do that. I’m tired of sticking around waiting for guys to change though.
Don’t spend the energy in the first place
I think I got out of this by realizing I don’t need a man. I’ve been in so many shit relationships that I hold onto because of the time already invested. After the last one ended I said fuck it, I’m only focusing on me. I can have a kid alone if I want (although a few months after realizing that I realized I don’t want them).
In short—focus on yourself
The time and effort was not wasted. It was spent learning about another person and learning about yourself. You got a chance to have new experiences that taught you more about yourself and will leave you better prepared for your next relationship.
Maybe think of it like “I’ve learned a lot that I would do differently in another relationship, I’ve learned about who might be the right match for me, it would be a waste of those lessons and the time I spent learning them if I didn’t act on them.”
You have to reframe from wasted to lived
All the experiences happened. You lived through all of it, you were present, and it taught something. Our past is what molded us into who we are today.
Was it a waste of life to fall in love, to have sex, to get to know someone intimately?
Learning they are not someone we want to spend our lives with wouldn’t have been possible without the experience, would it?
By imagining how much more time i would be wasting with someone i already wasted so much time with
> I can save this relationship
Relationships are two-sided; one side cannot unilaterally “save” it.
I would never recommend staying with the wrong man due to “sunk cost”, under any circumstances.
Think of it this way: yeah, you spent five years with him and you’re 30 and you want kids. Is the right answer to start over and give yourself a chance at happiness/stability with someone new (as women are now regularly having kids into their 40’s and exploring other fertility/adoption/fostering options), OR does it make more sense to stay with this guy forever and have him be a deadbeat, abusive jerk to you as a husband and a father? Is that the kind of guy you want to be the father to your kids anyhow?
What makes more sense?
You want a shit father to your children that they need to then unpack a garbage childhood and observation of a dysfunctional relationship because you can’t be bothered to have some discomfort for in the present?
Do better.
It starts by recognising that you deserve better, and leaving the wrong guy means you’re one step closer to finding the right one.