My (37M) girlfriend (37F) of thee years (known each other for 20) and I live and own a house together. She’s gotten minor cosmetic surgery e.g. small doses of botox before, but I came home two days ago and her lips were blown up essentially like Jeff Bezos’s wife’s. This was a complete surprise – no discussion or even heads-up, nothing. I realize they are still swollen from the surgery and will go down at least somewhat but she does not look like herself.
Apparently she has always been insecure about her lips and her “big smile” and this changes both of those things. This insecurity is news to me and I have often complimented her on both her lips and her smile and loved both since we met 20 years ago.
I realize that this is her body, not mine, and ultimately she is free to do what she wants with it. I can’t help but feeling disoriented, though, as there was no heads up or explanation of why she wanted to do this or time for me to adjust myself to the idea; I just opened the door to a face that suddenly looked very plastic surgery-y and different than the one I have known for a long time.
I’m obviously not going to end the relationship over this, but what makes it somehow worse is that we kiss almost constantly and since this surgery I have no desire to kiss her at all. On one hand I feel like trust has been breached (and I hate how it looks, no denying that) but on the other I feel like I am being petty and small about something that she wanted and isn’t my decision.
Any advice on how I should deal with or process this would be much appreciated.
TL;DR: Girlfriend got face-changing plastic surgery without giving any advance warning, unsure how to feel/deal with it
Comments
Botox and filler aren’t “cosmetic surgery,” first off all.
Theyre both temporary and injections. Youre dramatic asf.
And lip filler swells horribly for like two weeks before it settles. She isnt going to look like she does today when the swelling goes down.
You sound like a judgmental POS who doesnt bother to take half a second to ask her if this is the final result.
Stop trying to control her body, no wonder she didnt forewarn you.
I feel like my husband would feel the same if I did this. I don’t agree with the people saying that you’re a piece of shit and it’s her body, etc. You know it’s her body, you have no issue with her doing things to her body, but the fact that she didn’t tell you before hand is a little strange, not because she owes it you because but just because you’re in a relationship and people talk about doing big things like this. I’m not sure how you handle it if you aren’t feeling attracted to her and don’t like how she looks, but I just want to come here and say you were not an asshole at all.
Firstly, lip filler takes time to go down in swelling. So what you’re seeing now is not the end product. It will settle. Don’t panic! The first 48 hours are peak swelling.
Ultimately, it’s her body. I’ve never gotten filler but have certainly considered it. Ultimately, not doing it was right for me, but mine was just general aging insecurity, not an accute thing like hating my smile.
If your girlfriend really thought this through and is happier when she sees the end result… you just have to either accept it, or decide you’re not comfortable with how she looks now.
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Well, I don’t suppose you hid your reaction, so she probably knows you’re not excited by her huge lips. Have you asked her how she feels about them? Are they really what she wanted or expected? I think it’s ok to say you really liked her as she was and hope they go down a bit soon, I don’t think it would be fair or honest to pretend you love the new look, but if you make a big fuss about it she might dig her heels in. I guess kissing her less will make it obvious too: “sorry love, I mean, you just had surgery and I don’t want to hurt you, plus it would be like kissing someone else, and that’s really not something I can or want to get my head around, so I’m going to need some time…”
Calling it plastic surgery is a little dramatic, tbh. It sounds like she got filler? I understand that it was unexpected for you. My understanding is that it can take a little time for the filler to “settle” and lips may appear swollen. I recommend giving it a little more time to allow yourself to adjust and to give her body time to adjust. If it’s still bothering you at that point, perhaps it’s best to bring it up then.
Sounds like you should be curious about what’s going on for her if you want to have an opportunity to talk about it. I think it’s strange to undergo significant and, however unlikely, potentially irreversible changes to your appearance and not say anything to your spouse about it—not to get their permission, of course, but just to say it out loud. I’d wonder “why didn’t you want to talk to me about this feeling you were having beforehand?”
The people in this calling you judgemental would have a different tune if their partners came home randomly bald or with mutton chops. All of your feelings are valid and you are ultimately correct in thinking her body her choice. It’s worth giving it some time and then discussing it with your wife.
People who say that it’s her body and he should stay silent and accept it are living in an unrealistic world of ideals, not reflecting real life or how attraction or real emotions work.
I actually think it’s really uncool of her to do this without telling you (obviously she didn’t need to ask for ‘permission’ but she could have forewarned you).
I agree with others, they’ll look their most pronounced right now but will settle and as they settle, you’ll also get used to them. Take a deep breath. Remember to continue to compliment her on her appearance if she is insecure, and not to assume she knows she’s beautiful.
I would be upset too…. It’s not about the injections, it’s about not discussing it or even telling you about it beforehand. Lip injections have become so commonplace that maybe she didn’t even think it would be a big deal, but it’s still an invasive cosmetic procedure, and it changes the look of your face. The swelling should come down a bit but honestly it’s ok if you just don’t like it anymore.
She didn’t get surgery.
Many commenters saying “it’s her body” amuse me. What if I sawed off my leg? It’s my body, right? No, that would be a widely condemned as silly thing to do and nobody would expect my partner to be happy with it.
OP I promise it will look way better in a few weeks, post injection swelling is no joke. Give it some time and please dont make her feel bad about it, filler has gotten so normalized and woman are always under pressure re looks and procedures. Regardless, it’s temporary.
I would end a relationship over it. I don’t have time and patience for that level of insecurity and wasteful spending. I won’t ever tell anyone they can’t and I’ll never tell people it’s a bad idea or anything, not it’s just not for me and what I want in a partner
While it is her body and she can do what she wants with it. You are still allowed to have your own feelings about her choices.
I think giving a partner you live with, bought a house with and have known a long time – a heads up is the bare minimum.
She didn’t need your permission but letting you know what she was doing would have been nice.
Maybe have a sit down conversation with her. Be open and honest with her. Things can’t improve if you say nothing. She is likely to notice you not wanting to be as affectionate as you were before. If she does have insecurity, it might feed into it in a way you don’t intend.
She got filler… because she’s insecure about her big smile… lmfao make it make sense.
Her body, her choice.
Personally I think Botox lips loop ridiculous, but at the end of the day, it’s her choice!
Next she’ll need surgery for web feet to go with those duck lips
You’re right, It’s her body and she can do what she wants with it. But that doesn’t mean you have to find it attractive and support it.
I suspect you’ll probably end up getting used to it over time, to be honest, right now you’re very thrown so if you’re positive that it’s not a dealbreaker, you should let it settle and see how you feel about it once the swelling goes down. If you don’t find it attractive though, you don’t find it attractive and that doesn’t make you an asshole or wrong in your feelings.
I think the bigger issue here is that she went through with a fairly noticeable cosmetic procedure without even mentioning that she was doing it. You guys have been together long enough where most people would at least inform their partner they were thinking of doing something like this. If you’re going to communicate with her about anything it would be why she didn’t feel the need to even mention it.
It’s fair that you’re shocked. And that never evokes the best reaction. She really should have told you. For one thing you would known what to expect. For another, what if something had gone wrong and you had no idea she had gotten the procedure? How would you know what to tell the doctors and who to call? My advice is to let the shock wear off and try to be patient while the swelling goes down before you make any judgments. Also talk to her about how she handled it. Make it clear that you support her and take no issue with her right to choose, but there are real-world implications for medical procedures.
She’s free to do what she wants, and so are you.
You’re not obligated to be attracted to her anymore. You’re also not married, there are reasons people date, to discover if they have long term compatibility. Sounds like you are not long-term compatible.
I can definitely see where the concern is here. Especially when we live in a time of med spas and unlicensed individuals doing these types of cosmetic “enhancements.” The swelling will go down over a couple weeks.
Your conversation should be more focused on the lack of communication. Once you get that ball rolling, you might get more insight on why she made her decision to get filler all of a sudden. Especially if it was a spur of the moment thing, that should be a cause of concern, as many places that do filler and Botox use predatory practices to feed off insecurities.
To all the people crucifying this man, I have one question. What would you say if the tables were turned and he’d been the one to blow up his lips, and his wife was put off?
Would we still be saying it’s his body his choice, and she’s terrible for caring?
I’ve been with my wife for 18 years, and I’m still trying to reassure her over the insecurities she’s had since she was 13 years old. I’m not sure if that voice from her childhood will ever let her be happy with her body, but I think she looks amazing. I’d be heartbroken if she did something like this without telling me first. She’s had several coworkers try to convince her to get botox before (I can only think it’s to make themselves feel better about getting it) and I’ve told her how much I love the way she looks.
INFO: had you ever negatively commented on celebs with that type of lip injection?
I’m gonna have an unpopular opinion but if you are not attracted to her after this that’s on her. You can’t help how you feel. She gave no warning to a sudden change. Over years as we age with our partners our bodies change but to come phone one day to a switch is unsettling. Yes it’s her body but you can’t help how you feel. You can’t suddenly turn attraction off and on. If the swelling goes down and you still don’t feel attracted to her I would have a serious convo with yourself on how you want to proceed. If she did it now she could do it again. She could get even more done without you knowing and before you know it you don’t recognize the person in your bed. I’d check in with her and ask if she has any other insecurities she’s been holding on to and if she’s thinking of getting anything else done. That way you can mentally prepare yourself now and decide how you want to proceed.
Inflammation from filler takes 5-7 days to go down. It will get better. It’s her body, her choice. You can communicate your desire to be more open with each other, but ultimately this is her body to make decisions and choose to talk about.
I’m going to get downvoted but I do think you are being a tad unrealistic about your expectation for her to look “natural” for your own comfort. So many women get botox and filler, it’s the age we live in. I bet there are women you think are naturally beautiful but have had procedures done, just like so many men say they prefer the “no makeup look” when in reality no make up usually = natural looking makeup. We’re damned if we do, damned if we don’t.
Learn to accept your partner chooses to do what she wants to her body without asking you, or decide that’s a non-negotiable for you and communicate upfront in all relationships from here on out that you don’t like cosmetic procedures. And good luck with that boundary in 2025.
She didn’t have surgery- she had a minimally invasive cosmetic procedure that will naturally reverse in months. Its possible that her current look was her goal, but its equally likely that she is more acuteluly swollen, or that the technician over-did.
In a couple of weeks, or even a couple of months, if you still don’t like the result, lits okay to let her know that, if your vote counts, you would prefer she go more natural the next time.
I’m the same age as the guy posting and personally I’d be horrified. Feel free to ‘OK boomer’ or whatever but I didn’t grow up with fillers being commonplace, and think they make people look absolutely awful.
I’m shocked at how many people are in the comments saying it’s a super normal thing and that suddenly radically altering your appearance to look like one of ‘those people’ without discussing with your partner is no problem. Youre minimising this guys feelings and trying to tell him it’s fine. he’s said he doesnt like the way it looks. it’s not fine or no big deal.
Anyone defending it, imagine coming home to your partner and they’ve got big flappy balloon lips suddenly. how would you feel?
What’s done is done here, and I agree that you can feel some type of way about it even if it is completely her choice.
What I might suggest is a sit-down conversation about how it was a surprise to you, maybe with a view to understanding why she felt uncomfortable having the conversation. You want her to be able to come to you with these things (and vice versa).