I’m 42. I work out every day, do my hair and make up, wear flattering clothes along with lots of dresses, I get enough sleep. But I feel like since my last break up in November the sexual side of me has turned off. I don’t feel sexy or desirable anymore. It may be because he insulted me a few times and made some comments that he was out of my league (which I know wasn’t true) but I just feel so unattractive and like that side of me is gone. I try to go on dates sometimes, but nothing has worked out so far and I just feel blah. I have gained about 5 lbs from a new medication unfortunately – trying to get that off.
Any advice or commiserating is welcome.
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I’ve found that taking dance classes—specifically burlesque and belly dance—really helped with that.
One other thing to consider is letting go of the scale. I haven’t weighed myself since 2018. When I go to the doctor, I don’t want to know, and they have me get on the scale backwards and don’t tell me my weight. The only time I worry about weight, etc. is if I find my clothes suddenly getting too tight. But day-to-day or week-to-week fluctuations don’t affect me. I can gain 5 pounds from water weight overnight and lose it just as quickly. But seeing the numbers on the scale go back and forth was terrible for my mental health. Now, I base how I feel about myself on how I actually feel, not some arbitrary number that has no actual impact on my worth, confidence, desirability, or anything else.
You want to feel sensual, not sexy: you want to feel good for yourself, because you are worth it.
This is about romanticizing your life (literally) and getting in touch with erotism: read spicy books, learn to enjoy fabrics, taste, motion. You can dance (tango for example), join a class (pole dance is great, and you’ll connect with fellow women), etc.
You need to learn from other women and get comfortable with yourself. As your confidence grows, you’ll see that dating & sex totally changes perspective!
You sound like you take great care of yourself externally, which is super admirable. You should go easy on yourself, and maybe accept it’s an inner thing. Give yourself permission to just be however you are, and the sexy feelings should come back 💛
I always experience this after a break up. But, most pronounced .. after my last one. I think sometimes it takes time, especially if you were really into the person and cared a lot about them. Throw in the fact that your ex insulted you, and it makes sense. I know a lot of people give the advice to go out and do things for yourself to make yourself feel better and confident.. but I’ve found that doesn’t really work for me, it has to come from inside and that just takes time. I can go get my hair done, nails done, pedicure, go buy a cute little outfit and go out and men stare.. but it literally doesn’t do anything for me. Having men stare at me never really has (I prefer the attention of only the one I want vs attention of everyone.. if that makes sense). Just give yourself time, journal your feelings and thoughts, remind yourself of all of your good qualities and all the things you have going for you and eventually, it’ll come back. True confidence, real self love.. comes from within. I think most people lose sight of this.
When I went through my divorce, I had had a mostly dead bedroom and felt really unattractive for a while. I was also at my thinnest and most in shape when I left, but I felt really unattractive.
I think I started to feel better, and more like ME, is when I started to invest more in activities that I WANTED to do, not just felt like I had to. I am a runner and love that, but i started running a bit less and joined a kickball league, I started spending a bit more time with friends, I joined a workout group instead of working out alone.
This helped me feel a bit more comfy in my skin, even though I’ve gained some weight, and then I started to feel desirable again.
Edit- Spelling.
Everyone else has it covered for practical ways to come back into your sensuality, I just wanted to note it might be worth getting some blood tested to check hormone levels. You’re young, but perimenopause can start at any time from mid 30’s and it’s not linear— my testosterone slightly dropped for reasons unknown in my early 30’s. Getting on supplements changed my life and made me feel like a new person (or back to a previous version of myself). Good luck!
It’s interesting to me that the title of the question is asking about how to feel sexy again, and the contents of the post are almost entirely about your physical appearance, but the tag you chose is life/self/spirituality. Your life, self, and spirituality are about so much more than all of the things you do to look and feel good physically…
Feeling sexy feels good, and I totally recognize that feeling sexy is something you want for yourself, but I also think that sexuality is tied up with the hope to be attractive to other people and open to, well, sex. And yes, for the naysayers, we don’t necessarily need another person to enjoy the pleasure of sex, but let’s leave that aside for a moment…
I wonder if this blah feeling, this ‘not feeling sexy’ might be because it is ultimately tied up with other people (ie, potential partners); tied up with things outside yourself. I wonder if this lack of feeling sexy isn’t an invitation from the deepest parts of yourself that no one can see or touch. So I want to ask, what are the things in your life that have nothing to do with your physical appearance that you enjoy? Is it food and cooking? Is it movement or exercise, like yoga or dance? Is it feeling good about professional accomplishments, or travel, or spending quality time with friends and family, or volunteering your time for causes you believe in, or even religious worship? Whatever these things are, I would suggest, may be asking for more attention from you, and that is why you’re not feeling sexy. Feeling sexy feels good, but it’s not the only thing that feels good. So, why not just trust that you will feel sexy when the time is right? In the meantime, there are some many other aspects of you are that are not associated with your physical attractiveness.
Something I’ve done as I’m turning 44 this year and have some things I’d like to work on is start a list. I have a note in my phone of my physical and mental goals. I work towards those and check them off but I don’t erase them so I can see my accomplishments. I have a glowup planned for myself and while it’s happening slowly it is happening.
I also save everything positive about hairstyles, fashion looks, things I’d like to remember involving my outer physical self so that I can try new things. A cute hairstyle or a look to further my style. It makes me feel good. I try to always leave my house feeling good about my outer appearance the best I can. It helps with my mental health.
Could this be more about your self-confidence perhaps?
I had a similar situation to you and mine took a nose dive. It wasn’t until I started connecting with myself and doing things I enjoyed until I built that back up.
I tried new things, saw friends more, got into weight lifting, and just focused more on doing what made me feel good.
It helped a lot.
I had this happen with my previous ex. I was in my early thirties when I found out that he was cheating on me with a 19 year old. We were engaged, it came as a complete shock since he was the jealous type. I later learned that’s a red flag and often a tactic used by cheaters. I felt so old and unattractive even though I knew that it wasn’t my fault. So I started working out after work and taking walks and running before work. I ate healthier and stopped drinking. I started writing again and focused on my health. Low and behold, 5 months later I met my partner. I wasn’t even trying, my friends convinced me to start going on dates or to get laid. They know that’s not how I work and I don’t like casual stuff. But hey, I figured that I would get back out there and have fun. Honestly going out with the ladies, or my friends, and just going on casual (non-sexual) dates did wonders for my self esteem! I also made it a point to compliment myself, even if it was something small like cleaning. And also find one good thing that happened that day. It made all the difference for me.
Wanna throw out a crazy idea — have you ever done a boudoir photoshoot? I haven’t myself, but have thought about it and have had friends who have done it in the past and have said it’s been a significant experience in boosting how they see themselves.