How can I find it in myself to forgive my older brother, who physically and verbally abused me throughout my childhood? He’s caused a lot of pain, and while my parents keep urging me to forgive him, I honestly don’t believe he deserves it. I don’t want a relationship with him, but it becomes uncomfortable during family gatherings. I’m seeking forgiveness not for his sake, but for my own peace of mind. Still, it’s incredibly difficult, especially since he’s never acknowledged the impact of what he did.
How to forgive a family member who’s caused deep harm?
r/Advice
Comments
Don’t forgive him because others say you should. Do it because carrying his sins in your chest is poisoning you, not him. Forgiveness isn’t about letting him off the hook it’s about freeing yourself from the grip of someone who never earned your pain, let alone your peace.
This is understandable I’ve been into that situation while it’s not siblings rather my parents I’d say. It’s not usual but can’t wait to get demotivated occasionally and get my confidence down. Well if someone sees this do share some advice.
What I can advise myself is that get my self better paying job outside of my place and settle down there and have occasional visits to home. I wonder how am I gonna be in the future I don’t have any love and belongingness to my home, bet I won’t shed a single tear if I have to move out for like decade for my work.
I have one brother that is gone. He was a terrible alcoholic but sober when he passed. My last words to him were “I love you, too, brother. Speak with you tomorrow.” They could easily have been “screw you” “no screw you more!” Because I acknowledged the pain he caused me and worked on my part and my boundaries that sheltered me from his unwanted behaviors I was free to love him.
You don’t have to. You really don’t. If you want to forgive anybody, do it for yourself, because you’re ready to let go of it. You don’t have to tell him you’ve forgiven him, if and when you decide to. Forgiveness is for us, not for other people. If your family really cared all that much about keeping the peace and making everybody happy, they’d have stepped in when you were being abused. They failed you just like he failed you – of course they just want you to forgive him so they can sweep it under the rug. The only person whose feelings matter about this situation is you.
If it were me in your shoes, idk if I could forgive him. I don’t mean this in a rude way okay, but he probably traumatized the fuck out of you. That stuff’s hard on a kid, especially from someone they’d usually see as a type of role model.
Now you have to dedicate a huge chunk of your time, effort, money, etc. trying to fix his dickheadedness’s effect on your life. Because I’ll tell you this – if you don’t think it’s affecting you still, you’re so very wrong. 🙁
Your parents suck ass btw trying to make you befriend your abuser. I get that siblings pick on each other okay and fight (I’m a big sister myself), but I couldn’t imagine truly abusing my little brother. Never. That is so cruel. I love the hell out of that kid…
Also eff family gatherings lol. IMO, don’t even bother going if he’s gonna be there. He is literally your abuser. What the hell should you have to be around him again for?? As kids you couldn’t escape him. Now you don’t even have to go anymore if you so choose.
I don’t obviously know all the info, but, how long ago was your childhood? Was he also a child? I don’t feel it’s fair to hold a grudge on someone for something they did as a child, without at least giving benefit of the doubt and seeing if they have grown and learned and changed. Afterall, they were a kid also being mean to another kid, what was going on behind closed doors to make him this way?