Hi. I’ve probably been on this subreddit for a while now. 8 months post breakup. I’m doing well but it all still comes in waves. My ex emotionally cheated on me and recently just reached out to me asking how I’m doing (not responding and blocked her). I’m starting to try and learn to forgive, but how can I change the way I think and learn to forgive? This goes both ways too. I have a list of the issues both her and I brought to the relationship (she told me all her qualms with me before dumping me, I never got closure). How can I learn to forgive myself and let go as well as the same for her? Her asking me how I’m doing brought back a lot of triggering thoughts and I want to respond with anger SOOO badly, but I can’t do it. It feels like revenge that won’t make me feel any better if I said something. I don’t know, this is still my first breakup and we were together for close to 6 years. I still haven’t said a word to her or contacted anyone since we broke up, but can anyone help guide me through these issues? Thanks
How to forgive yourself and ex after break up?
r/Advice
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Don’t….. only advice don’t do that mistakes.. whats done is done… you can’t undo the damage thats already done..
Listen to Sinead O’Connor
Nothing compares
You don’t need to forgive. It okay be bitter but hung up is not okay. The best revenge is living an awesome life. Find a new tree to pee on. She wasn’t all that.
Forgiveness isn’t about allowing her to return to your life.
Why forgive her? And what do you need to forgive yourself for?
You are right not to return contact.
Since she outlined your perceived faults, have you worked on improving yourself in those areas? You’ll be able to forgive yourself when you have achieved growth.
As forgiveness for someone else. It’s not even about changing your angry feelings, it’s about putting down the burden of that emotional weight
I’m there with you, it was traumatic after 16 years I found she cheated on me, the person I thought would never do such thing.. i blocker her and deleted all the pics of us the same day I left her. I have no desire to know or get a closure from some who I trusted and loved at one point. Yes, I think about all of the stuff we went through and mostly in dreams. I think that part will stay for a while. Keep going and work on you.
Don’t respond. You don’t owe her nothing. She sitting with her regrets and guilt. Hence the message
Write down all you have to say in a letter. Never send it. In fact, burn it.
Forgiving someone doesn’t mean allowing them back into your life. You can be at peace with what happened and strive to move on without ever being in touch with your ex again. Breakups are hard enough to deal with as it is, it’s even worse when they end in a traumatic experience like this one did for you. I believe you did the right thing by not responding and blocking her, you have to focus on healing and having her around isn’t going to help at all. Just take it one day at a time, maybe consider counseling or something similar if it’s too hard, but you need to focus on yourself.
IMO, she’s thinking about you and probably has some regret about her behavior. So, she reached out in an effort to open a conversation.
All that said, your feelings are important and should felt. While I may serve you best to not respond; I would point you to talking through this with a therapist as you need to learn and heal to ensure you don’t find yourself in the same situation again (a very very common thing). Additionally, remaining bitter will not serve you in your life; your next partner will pay the price for this gal which isn’t fair! So, for yourself and your future partner, please do the work to clean up what’s happening inside. This is a crappy situation, but it’s a great opportunity for growth! Good luck!!!
Forgive yourself for what, exactly? The shit she says you did wrong and dumped in your lap? I don’t think so, my brother!
6 yrs is a long time for a first relationship. Most don’t last that long. Give yourself credit for sticking with an imperfect relationship bc NO relationship or person is perfect. The only question is are they perfect for you.
You can forgive her for falling short, but you don’t have to forget. And you shouldn’t. She’s reaching out bc she probably feels like the asshole (as she should) and isn’t finding the happiness she thought she would with someone else. Leave it alone. Do not respond. Cheaters are cheaters and rarely change unless they do a hell of a lot of emotional work. There is some need for validation they can’t seem to get from a solid relationship. Or they’re just cheating POS.
Regardless, go easy on yourself. Stop replaying all the mistakes you think you made over and over in your head. Learn what you need to learn and move on.
8 months is a long time. I’m sure you have a good heart. Go find another woman to give it to. Not necessarily the first one you meet, but get out there and date. Life is not about avoiding mistakes, it’s about surviving through them and gaining confidence that you can handle anything. Go get’em!
You did the right thing not responding. Doing that just takes you back to square one. It’s normal to feel anger, but don’t let it consume you. Closure is a myth. Be patient and keep moving forward. You will find someone else and be happy again. Learn from past mistakes so they won’t happen again. You don’t really need to forgive yourself or her. Just let it go and move on.
Look you’re a really good person for thinking that revenge won’t bring you any good. Proud of you for that. How to forgive yourself? Forget about your mistakes and try to improve your bad areas and try to not repeat the same mistakes again (it’s ok even if you do repeat them, forget about the mistakes again in that case and try improve yourself again. Don’t give up). How to forgive her? Well you just have to let go of your anger for her (which I think you already have) and that’s it you’ve forgiven her. If you don’t wanna talk to her then just tell her that u don’t wanna talk to her. Won’t make u a bad person and doesn’t mean you don’t forgive her. You can even say to her that u forgive her but u don’t wanna talk to her. That’s all.
It takes time to get through a breakup. I don’t know what issues you feel you need to forgive yourself for, but if you can’t do it on your own I would seek out a therapist. Psychology Today’s website has a good list of therapists and you can sort them by a variety of topics, including area of expertise, male, female, faith based or not, insurance, location, etc. I saw one after my divorce and found it tremendously helpful to reflect on the parts I could work on and let the whole thing go. I wouldn’t talk to my ex now for any reason. When they do that to you then try to weasel back into your life with a “how’s it going?” It just ticks me off. It’s their guilt talking and they need to work their sh*t out on their own time. Best wishes.