Today I was in the car with my 81 year old father. We live in a small town, and had cleaned up some waste from behind the garage. As we were driving to the dump, I noticed his speed was 70-75 kph in an 80 zone and his reaction time was practically nonexistent. I saw a pot hole that was about 10 car lengths ahead, and my father didn’t see it until we were right on top of it.
He also hit the gravel shoulder twice, and the second time it took him about a good 5 seconds to correct it. Twice he stopped at an intersection where the other way had the stop signs.
About a week ago he had parked his car on the lawn to load up more waste for the dump. As he went to drive off, he drove over the anchor for the dog leash. I told him to just back out the way he pulled in. He then backed into a pretty decent sized tree, and said “what was that?”
I’m afraid that he’ll cause a wreck, and potentially hurt some or worse. He is very stubborn, and hard headed. I don’t think he’ll give up his license willingly, or at least until after a serious accident.
Has anyone been in this situation, and can you tell me what you did? How you approached the topic of them surrendering their license?
How to go about asking my 81 year old father to surrender his drivers license?
r/Advice
Comments
Her doctor told my mom, who has Alzheimer’s, that she should no longer drive. And yep–mega freak out. Good luck!
I think if it comes down to it, you take it away and hide the keys. It’s not fair to other drivers or pedestrians to knowingly let an unsafe driver on the roads.
My husband had to do this with his grandparent when he was in college. It was a whole family intervention type thing, and they just took the keys and didn’t allow any room for negotiation. His grandma was mad but it’s not worth it if something bad happens.
My mom had an accident in the heart center parking lot. She hit the gas accidently. She handed me the keys and never drove again. My dad started having trouble remembering how to get home, and he willingly quit. Both in their 80’s at the time. A great uncle was still driving at 102. Dmv came to his house to geet his license.
It’s not just about hurting his prideit’s about saving lives. Frame it as love, not control. Loop in the doctor or DMV if needed. Let him feel respected, but don’t wait for disaster. You wouldn’t hand a toddler the keys; this isn’t much different. Protecting him means acting now, not later. Be kind, firm, and persistent. Its hard, but necessary.
We did get a golf cart for my dad to drive down their 500’ driveway to the mailbox. It helped a lot.
I have nothing but empathy. I told my grandmother at one point that she was going to hit a kid and never know it. It had gotten that bad. But the doctor signed off on her form. It took some time before she finally gave up the keys.
just start reporting him to the dmv – we always just avoid this in our fanily and make the state the bad guy
You call his doctor, tell them what’s going on, and ask them to call him up and tell him it’s time for his checkup. When he goes in, the doctor tells him he can’t drive anymore. They take it MUCH better coming from their doctor than they do from their kids!
Well, this is a bit unethical, but here’s what we did:
We had the same situation with my Uncle (bless his soul). He was a bachelor, but had great neighbors and family close by. We would pick him up for events, we took turns dropping off food for the week that he could just pop in the microwave, he really didn’t drive much as it was.
But every so often, he would (just to keep the engine working, he said). He went to a neighborhood clinic, so didn’t have a regular doctor we could talk to.
So what did we do? We disconnected the distributor cap. Told his neighbors so nobody would fix it for him. He just said “well, I guess I need to get that looked at” but didn’t bother with it, as we knew he wouldn’t.
So that’s how we got my 80+ year old, wonderful Uncle to stop driving.
Fight him for it!
I’d probably talk to his doctor.
How is he going to get around? uber? can he use it?
If the Dr says it, they have to report it to dmv,
I just went through this with my patients( I’m a nurse) the driver has dementia and his wife who has severe visual problems yells right, left and other instructions! The family who had let this happen finally disabled the car. Now they rely on others.
You could take out all the fuses in the car and that stops it from running. It takes a few minutes and if needed they can be replaced back to normal
Thankfully both my mom & MIL gave their keys over willingly especially when they started having issues with their memory. Both suffered/suffer from Alzheimer’s. My FIL is in his late 80s and will only drive to an occasional doctor appointment, since we have to be available to sit with my MIL. But, I would simply tell him you’re available to help him get groceries and such. Start there. If you have to, just take his keys. It’s better to have him mad for a bit than seriously hurt.
Perhaps make an appointment with an eye doctor? Take him yourself, ask them to also check his peripheral vision reaction. Or another option some large rehab facilities have simulated driving machines. When my dad refused to stop driving I made a deal he take the simulator test if he failed I got his car keys on the spot. He turned them over before taking the test. With my cousin I asked his Dr to report him to the state motor vehicle dept.
When my dad got to the point his driving was bad, my . Brother had a mechanic friend unhook something on the engine so it would not run. Then when Dad went out to try to go some place it would work. So then my brother had the mechanic come over and look at the car , he told my dad the engine was bad. And it would cost too much to fix. So they ended up talking my dad out of driving.
You have plenty of reasons. Tell him you hate to have to do this, but it’s time.
Can you make a call to his primary care doctor and raise your concerns? They can provide guidance for you.
I work at a DMV and where I am, there’s a website where you can report your observations as to his driving. You could check to see if yours has the same? Avoid feelings, just keep it factual. Last time I reported something they e-mailed me and said that even if the person did a freedom of information request that they wouldn’t receive my name or anything