ReddFeed.com

How to grieve ex-boyfriend’s death

r/

I just found out my (f37) ex boyfriend died in 2023 when he was 39. We went out for 4 years but had been split up for ages and he hadn’t reached out for years. We lived together for 2 years and he was my first love. I’ve always been very regretful about how the relationship ended despite knowing we were unsuited to each other in the long term (he was probably asexual and I now identify as a lesbian). Despite this he was so loving and caring and no one has treated me that way since which I think explains why I was so hung up on our relationship even before I found out he’d passed.

He died of cancer and I feel sad that he didn’t make contact with me to say goodbye. I wish one of his family members or friends had thought to tell me. I’m still facebook friends with one of his friends and I’m tempted to ask her about the funeral but I don’t want to bother or upset her. I just don’t see how I can get closure on a relationship/person I found closure very hard to reach on even before his death. Any advice would be very welcome.

Comments

  1. Used-Buffalo7266 Avatar
    Used-Buffalo7266

    What was his favorite food, drink, or thing? You can honor him by taking a quiet moment and prepare that food, drink, or engaging in something he enjoyed doing. Talk to him, say all the things you wanted to say but couldn’t. Laugh and cry as you remember him. This is something you can do with just you and him. You’ll be emotional, but you’ll release and get some closure. Give it a try….

  2. ParkingPsychology Avatar
    ParkingPsychology

    > How to grieve ex-boyfriend’s death

    Grief has the following stages:

    • Denial: When you first learn of a loss, it’s normal to think, “This isn’t happening.” You may feel shocked or numb. This is a temporary way to deal with the rush of overwhelming emotion. It’s a defense mechanism.
    • Anger: As reality sets in, you’re faced with the pain of your loss. You may feel frustrated and helpless. These feelings later turn into anger. You might direct it toward other people, a higher power, or life in general. To be angry with a loved one who died and left you alone is natural, too.
    • Bargaining: During this stage, you dwell on what you could’ve done to prevent the loss. Common thoughts are “If only…” and “What if…” You may also try to strike a deal with a higher power.
    • Depression: Sadness sets in as you begin to understand the loss and its effect on your life. Signs of depression include crying, sleep issues, and a decreased appetite. You may feel overwhelmed, regretful, and lonely.
    • Acceptance: In this final stage of grief, you accept the reality of your loss. It can’t be changed. Although you still feel sad, you’re able to start moving forward with your life.

    See if you can find what stage you are currently at, that will then also give you a general idea of what will come after that. In addition to that, here’s a page that has detailed information regarding all aspects of grief.

    Please note that not everyone works through these stages in the same order. Some people will do it out of order and it is possible to revisit a stage. What I outlined is most commonly seen, it’s not set in stone.

    Highest rated books on healing grief:

    How to begin to heal:

    • Give yourself time. Accept your feelings and know that grieving is a process.
    • Talk to others. Spend time with friends and family. Don’t isolate yourself.
    • Make sure you sleep well (let me know if this is an issue and I’ll give you advice for this).
    • Exercise: If you have access to a gym, then start lifting weights. If you don’t have access to a gym (or you don’t like lifting), start running. If you can’t run, then start walking. Just start small. 10 minutes three times a week is fine. You don’t have to run fast, just run and then slowly build it up over time. Exercising does several things: It releases endorphins, it takes your mind of your negative thoughts and it will improve your overall health.
    • Return to your hobbies. Get back to the activities that bring you joy. If you feel ready, but you don’t have friends, let me know and I’ll tell you how to deal with that.
    • Don’t isolate yourself. This will just make your grief and depression deeper and could spark an unending cycle of sadness. Fall back on the people you know and care about you.
    • Join a support group. Speak with others who are also grieving. It can help you feel more connected (/r/GriefSupport/ or /r/Grieving/)

    Most watched videos:

    Free support options:

    • /r/KindVoice will match you up with a volunteer that will listen to you.
    • 7 Cups of Tea has both a free trained volunteer service as well as $150 monthly licensed therapist option
    • If you are in a crisis and want free help from a live, trained Crisis Counselor, text HOME to 741741