I’m a 67F; bf is 67M. (Don’t laugh HA). We dated in high school and reconnected three years ago. The relationship has mostly been great with a few rocky patches. I am a huge live music nut and travel quite a bit to see my favorite bands. He does not like me being gone so much. So he has broken up with me several times, then we always make up. Most recent break-up (last June) lasted almost 6 months and I figured the relationship had really ended. He contacted me, said he thought this was worth saving, and asked if I’d do couples counseling with him. So we did, and things got much better. In May, our counselor said we didn’t need her, we seemed to have figured things out.
We do have common interests and we have lots of fun together. Over the last 8 months? We typically spent one evening per work week together and then he stayed here every weekend. He often talks about marriage; I’m hesitant just because I don’t see a reason to get married. However, recently, we decided to move in together (his son was moving back to town and we decided timing was right). His son moved into his house and he moved in with me.
One concern I’ve had over last three years is his drinking. I’ve told him about my concerns. In fairness, he doesn’t drink a lot (really hardly at all) when he is with me but whenever we would fight (and he’d break up with me), I was pretty sure he had been drinking. And I know he spent lots of times in local bars when his last marriage ended. (If we go to a bar together, he knows all the bartenders at all the local bars.) I often suspected (over the last 9 months things have been good) that days we weren’t together, that he’d been drinking.
So the current issue. We have lived together all of three weeks; one week of which we were out of town. There have been 4 separate instances in those two weeks, where he didn’t come home when he said he would. In two cases, I could tell he had been drinking. In the other two instances, including last night, he was clearly drunk. When he was drunk, I basically stayed away from him (no point in getting into an argument). Last night? I took a walk, came home and said: “We need to talk. Look, I’m not going to tell you how to live your life. But I am not going to live the remainder of my precious life with someone who comes home drunk.” He just looked at me and never spoke a word.
I went to bed. He ended up going to bed a couple hours later and slept in the guest bedroom. He didn’t say a word to me this morning.
I know this puts him in a bad spot. He rented his house to his son. But gosh darn it, when you get to my age I do not want to deal with this crap. Do I love him? Yes I do. But I also have friends who spent their entire lives with alcoholics (one watched her husband die bc of alcohol) and I refuse to do this. I was previously married for 17 years, and divorced for almost 25 years so I can absolutely be single.
Right now, I feel like the ball is in his court but if he comes home drunk again, my inclination is to tell him he needs to find a place to live. I’m really at a loss at what else to do if he won’t talk to me about it. And when I think about it, what can he say?
I can’t believe I’ve come to reddit to ask for advice. My best girlfriends (many of them) I know thought I was stupid to make up with him this last time. Has anyone had a similar experience with a partner?
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You’re just not compatible.
Unless he has a drinking problem, this is a pretty extreme request.
You can’t fix him. He has to want to fix himself. Even if he’s not an alcoholic, just an alcohol abuser, you still get to decide if you want to deal with that or not.
You’ve done relationship counseling, so he knows such options exist. he should be able to choose to limit his drinking (again, not sounding like an alcoholic). He should even be able to come home when he says he will.
But to have this many incidents in three weeks? He’s clearly making bad decisions. And that’s pretty damn frequent for bad decisions; hard to explain it as a rare event when it has happened four times already, on top of any prior break-ups where you suspect alcohol was a factor.
You don’t deserve to have your life to be full of addiction related chaos. No one does. Certainly not at this phase of your life. That stress will destroy your health and peace.
why not give him some grace ? alcoholism is a serious disease and he could be struggling to quit if he’s been drinking 50+ years ?… have an actual conversation while he’s sober and maybe see where this started and if he’s interested in getting help/counseling . i’m not saying settle but everyone has flaws and if you rlly love him and value your relationship with him just keep trying + do everything from a place of love . (self love included)💗
You said your piece.
It’s now on you to uphold your boundary of not being with someone who doesn’t respect them.
And he’s an alcoholic (or at the very least has a very problematic relationship with alcohol if it’s affecting his interpersonal relationships). He doesn’t give a shit about your boundaries. He cares about doing what he wants to do.
You’ve put up with so much already, and if he can’t take responsibility for his actions or respect your boundaries, then what’s the use of staying in a relationship that keeps pulling you back into the same mess?