Hi everyone,
I (26F) have been with my girlfriend (25F) for almost 3 years. We’ve lived together for over a year, it’s a great relationship, and I love her a lot. For context, let’s say we live in Star City, I’m from Gotham originally, and she’s from Smallville. Star City is not near Smallville or Gotham and it’s a flight to get to either city.
Unfortunately, my girlfriend’s family has been having a rough time of it lately. Her dad has been seriously sick the last six months or so (though seems to be improving thank God) and now her grandmother is in the hospital and expected to pass away pretty imminently. She and her grandmother have always been very close so she’s been having a difficult time with this. Once her grandmother does pass away, my girlfriend will have to travel to Smallville for the funeral. I would go with her, but unfortunately a round trip ticket to Smallville costs about $1000, I’m currently unemployed (starting a new job in a few weeks). I can’t really afford the ticket, but if I emptied my savings I could technically do it.
That’s bad enough, but a couple days ago my dad called me and told me that my childhood dog (16M) has cancer and is going to have to be put down. I know it’s just an animal and that 16 is a good long life, but I’m honestly kind of devastated. I really loved that dog and he was a real source of comfort to me during some very difficult times in my life. Fortunately, I already planned to visit this weekend with my girlfriend for something else, so I’ll get to see him before he’s put down.
My family called me yesterday to discuss when to put the dog down. He seems normal and not in any pain currently, but the vet says the tumour is large and that we should do it very soon if we don’t want him to suffer. I told my family that I didn’t think we should do it over the weekend because I thought it’d be too difficult for my girlfriend given everything happening with her family and that it’d be better for my family to have some privacy (we all love that dog a lot and I expect that this’ll be very hard and emotional).
My family is now suggesting that I extend my trip to stay until Thursday, when our dog is scheduled to be put down. I’m just not sure what to do. I love that dog and I do want to be there, but my girlfriend has been having a hard week and I think she’d be having an even more difficult time if she were on her own. On the other hand, when her grandmother does pass, I won’t be going with her to Smallville, so I’ll just be alone in Star City until she comes back.
Some advice here would really be appreciated. Should I just wait and see what happens and extend my trip if her grandmother passes away while we’re in Gotham, since she’ll be going to Smallville without me after that anyway? Should I be emptying my savings to go to Smallville with her? I’m really trying to balance everything here. I obviously plan to discuss this all with my girlfriend, but I wanted to get some opinions first.
TL;DR my girlfriend’s grandmother is expected to pass away imminently and my dog is being put down on Thursday. I’m not sure whether to extend my trip to be there when he’s put down, go back to Star City to support my girlfriend through this, or whether I should be going with her to the funeral in Smallville.
Comments
Nothing reddit says matters. Talk to her.
Are you able to visit this weekend, come home, and then go back on Thursday for the appointment?
There are no easy answers here and Reddit can only provide opinions, not a game plan. Speak with your partner and see how much she values certain things.
(1) You’ve figured out that dead grandma outranks dead dog. Very good. You aren’t trying to put these in the same ballpark to your partner. You’re trying to be sensitive to both events, even when they’re on different magnitudes of effect. You’re off to a good start.
(2) Explore your feelings about why you don’t want your girlfriend to be there for when the dog is put down. I am willing to bet it’s not just for her sake, but also because it’s an intimate family moment for your family who has loved this dog for 16 years. That’s totally normal. Families grieve together, and partners are largely there for support. You’re wise to see she’s not in a place to support you right now, and she’s not going to grieve the dog.
(3) Let’s use a similar logic for her grandma’s death. Her family will grieve together. You would be in a support role, not grieving grandma. It sounds like you don’t expect her family to have any super toxic, awful patterns that your girlfriend will have to navigate there, so having you there isn’t as necessary as it would be for other family dynamics. The two of you should talk about if it’s worth draining your savings for.
(3) How to structure your family trip around her current needs. You should highly consider your girlfriend’s needs here. You are the support partner, after all! I would try to offer her physical support when and where possible without over extending yourself or your budget.
(4) Being there when the dog passes. This is highly emotional- and it’s not clear if you would be able to travel back just for Thursday when he is being put down. Our family has recently said good bye to two 15+ year old pets. Unfortunately, our family is much more spread out now. We were able to video call in, sing songs, and talk to family.
There are no easy solutions here- but you’re on the right track. Remember that the people you interact with in the next week (especially your girlfriend) are going to remember how you made them feel during this time. Your role is the support partner! Do that to the best of your ability.
Sorry your family is going through a tough time. Better days are coming.