Just the context, they got married when I was 21. I haven’t ever lived with her. She’s come to visit me with my dad once in 6 years. My son will have lots of grandma figures, my aunt, another aunt, and I have two grandmas that are still alive and super active/with it. Plus his paternal grandma.
My dad’s wife is insisting on coming with my dad after my baby is born. I think it’s for a couple reasons, she doesn’t have any grandchildren, and to save face so she can tell everyone she met him when he was born. She doesn’t insist on going with my dad when he visits my brother. My dad has seen me multiple times without her. So her insisting on this is definitely because of the baby.
She is very difficult to communicate with, super immature, and a lot of unresolved mental health stuff. Also I have talked to her 4 times in the past year. All of which I had to make the effort with.
Does anyone have any ideas on how to handle this dynamic? In my mind my son will call her, her name, and she won’t be a grandma presence in his life.
TLDR: my dads wife is insisting on being a grandma to my son, when I don’t want that, and she’s not a stable/healthy person
Comments
Tell your dad thats not the relationship you want your son having with her
If it were me, I’d ask them to postpone the visit until a later time. Maybe the holidays, or even his first birthday. You don’t want this woman around right at the beginning of your new childs life – she will suck the joy out of it.
Even though he set the precedent by visiting you without her previously, it is reasonable for your dad to want his wife with him on family visits. It is also reasonable for you not to share such a special and sacred time with a woman you barely know and don’t even like. It’s ok to set the boundary and stick to it.
As for the grandma thing, she is going to be step grandma, for what it’s worth. Come up with a nickname you can stomach, or she will come up with her own.
“No.” is a full sentence.
I’d be ok with it. A child can never have too many people that love them. The more grandma’s, the merrier
Call your Dad on his bullshit. Let him stay home and miss his grandchild because he wants to try and get his way. Don’t let them do it because it will never end. Good luck. He’s choosing her over you, just so you’re aware.
Your dad’s in a rough spot, his mentally/emotionally unwell wife will likely make him miserable if he tries to come without her. Just kindly let him know something along the lines of ‘I understand you feel put in a tough spot by this situation, but I won’t be budging. If you change your mind and are willing to come alone, I’d be happy to see you. No hard feelings. I love you Dad!’ and ideally have that conversation via text.
People get very entitled about seeing/meeting/holding babies. It’s an interesting phenomenon. Could be that you can just wait it out, but no matter what it’s likely to cause some issues, and there’s no avoiding it.
Can you ask dad to leave her home? Would that start WWIII?
I’m a stepmom. I’m close to one of my stepsons not the other. One is very close to his mother and is the golden child the other is the scapegoat like I am with my mother. I think for me it’s up to the kids but I wouldn’t push. I have a grandchild my youngest has a child I know this is an exciting time and there’s lots of emotions but you really have no relationship with this woman. If she’s mentally unwell you have to think of what’s best for the baby if you hurt someone in the process I know you may feel bad but in my opinion kids come first.
How emotionally unhealthy is she? Would it actually be too awful to have her visit your kid a few hours every couple of months? I think you should tell your dad that you only want him to be there because you don’t want to host or tell him to post pone the trip if you think something bad will happen. I’d also tell her no posting the child on social media.
She will be a step grandmother to your child accept that fact you do not have get closer to her. you have about two years to decide what your child should call her. It would be rude for a two year old to call her by her first name
Are you getting ahead of yourself? It seems from your post that all she definitely wants is to accompany dad. That could have nothing to do with you. I would back up and mellow. (She has mental health issues and immaturity? Don’t we all?)
Seriously, why not welcome her. She lives far away. Having one more person who loves your child is not a problem, exactly. Everybody wins here, ultimately.
Tell your dad not to come right now. You may want him there but if his visit requires her, it’ll be too much when you’re newly post-partum. Tell him you want to get settled in, establish a routine and bond before you have people visiting. Then make arrangements for him (alone) to come in a few months. You’ll be happier for several reasons.
As for his wife. Just establish what your child will call her when the time comes. Introducing a child to family they don’t see daily via pictures will help you solidify her name and role. By the time she is around the baby and is looking to be called grandma he will already know her by her name.
Welcome to the world ~ but you really can’t have too many people who love you~ let it be… by the time he can talk you’ll figure it out… I have a friend whose grandkids call her Lovey…I’m Grammy ~ nice to meet you!
Tell dad, he can come and visit without her.
She wasn’t ever your “mom” figure, she doesn’t get to be a grandmom.
The world is full of biased people and exposing them to their prejudices is a positive way to alter that. And you are assuming this child is going to be stupid even though it will be exposed to normal loving people much more regularly.
Seriously, kids are not that silly.
Why do you dislike your father so much that you cannot accept the person he married? You do know of course that this blank rejection will cause problems for him. I get the feeling that may be more what you hope to achieve – pointed rejection. Perhaps you could do with some therapy to address unresolved family issues.
Tell your dad he comes alone or not at all. Tell your dad now that his wife will not be grandma and will be called her first name. Tell dad if he can’t respect your wishes he doesn’t get to be a grandpa either. She is a racist nutjob and I wouldn’t allow that around my baby or husband.
More people to love my kids the better.
Hmm….can call her grandma if she acts like a grandma. Plenty of time for her to deliver. I’d give her a chance.
just tell her no. dont do any of the passive aggressive things – dont waffle – jist call your dad and say, I am not open to stepmom visiting after the birth of our child. I will let her know and wanted to make sure you knew fhat I am haoly to have you visit and you are grandpa but stepmom does not have a title here, and I dont appreciate her sudden interest in building family bonds just because I am having a baby – when she hasnt been all that interested before. It is rude and dehumanizing to me.
then call her and let her know that she is not invited to join your father for this trip and you hope she understands – and leave it there.
I would welcome it. A child can never have too many grandparents. My kids call my step-parents (even the one not legally) Grandma first name and grandpa first name.