Kara (45) is my slightly disabled niece. She has fairly solid adult skills but is similar to a 16 year old in most ways. As her parents are dead, I am in charge of the trust fund etc that was left to her by her parents.
She has been living in the former family home for a number of years. By renting the extra rooms, it pays for itself plus a bit. I set this up with her and it was great until….Yes, you guessed it. She let her boyfriend move in. NO, he does not pay rent. No, he does not help. Yes, she pays his way, drives him everywhere, and believes all the lies. (Lies I know of: He is not an alcoholic because he just drinks beer; He is not a dead-beat dad his ex-wife is a Vampire; As soon as he gets straight with the IRS he will get a job.)
Anyone with a bit more sense would see that she is being used but she feels that he loves her and intends to marry her. So what do I do?
I have told her he needs to move out or pay rent – she cries about how heartless I am. I know she has been terribly lonely and feeling loved is wonderful. I do get that, but this is unsustainable. She cannot afford him and keep her home (short-term yes but long term no).
So my friends what do I do to keep her safe and whole without stomping all over something that she feels is so important?
I have no problem doing what needs to be done. I am no push-over but does anyone have thoughts on how to manage this with kindness and wisdom?
Comments
Maybe not the best advice and my advice kind of seems like the plot of a movie: I feel guilty saying this, and I don’t even know how you would do it, but somehow get him to leave her? He’s got it made right now so it would be hard. Maybe say he doesn’t have to pay rent now but when he gets a job he will have to back pay? He might leave on his own.
Very tough situation. Good luck.
Can you put her into a conservatorship if she’s not mentally fit to live independently? That might get you more control.
I really get how rough this is for you, having to be the grown-up in charge while your niece is getting played. Like, I’m not even gonna pretend I know what to do either, I’d probably mess it up too! But maybe instead of trying to force her outta that toxic situation, you could help her figure out how to set some solid boundaries with this dude? Like, he’s gotta start paying rent or something. If that gets his ass in gear and working, then maybe she’ll realize he ain’t so great after all. Plus, it’d be a win for her financially too! What do you think, am I onto something, or just rambling like an idiot here?