My (20F) Boyfriend (21M) have been together for six months. Our whole relationship has been fairly fast-paced. My boyfriend almost broke up with me a month in because I wasn’t sure I wanted kids at 20 years old and we don’t have the same religious beliefs. He changed his mind within the day and there hasn’t been an issue about that since then. We are thinking long term already, his parents call me their daughter and we considering buying a house together in a year when our leases end. The house purchasing is because we want stable housing if the economy goes bad and we have enough savings combined for a healthy downpayment. The problem is just core compatibility I believe. When it’s good between us, it’s really supportive and loving. I help him with his work as a business owner and he helps me as a college student. We get into large arguments over small things though, things that just don’t sit right with me. He always says if the roles were reversed that he would be fine. The arguments center around quality time and being a considerate partner (something he needs to work on). I think we could be compatible, but I need to decide if it is worth working on before we start taking real steps like house shopping. I know the relationship is new but it is being pushed because we’re both the type of people to hyper fixate on the future and want to make sure relationships are worth our time. Is it possible to mature past me being upset by his nature? Rereading this post, the answer to just slow down seems obvious, I had a previous 2-year relationship and I feel wholly different about this one. I am also graduating from college at the time we would be buying the house, so I feel pressure to decide where to live permanently and what I want my life to look like post-grad. I really want the future we could have together but I just don’t like our personalities clashing and making us feel negatively. I am a sensitive person at time and he doesn’t react appropriately to that.
TLDR: My bf and I clash in our personalities at times and hurt each other, how do you know whether that means it’s not the right person and you must move on?
Comments
>We are thinking long term already, his parents call me their daughter and we considering buying a house together in a year when our leases end. The house purchasing is because we want stable housing if the economy goes bad
When you are dating somebody (especially in your early 20s), I would say that after 6 months you only have a decent idea of what their true personality is even like. You have not been together that long, have not seen each other go through major ups and downs, have not seen how things are during different seasons that might be busier/slower, or when you’re going through a bad period of your life. Making a serious long-term financial commitment like buying a house when you are operating with such limited information is a terrible idea. I would not get married before you are 25, and I would not buy a house with anybody before you are married. You don’t think he is a considerate partner and have big fights about small things – is that what you describe when thinking of your ideal relationship?
Put the brakes on any idea of house shopping, and don’t re-approach that conversation for several years. If you are worried about the economy, having a mortgage is no better than paying rent. If you can afford to pay cash for a house, try and find something you can afford on your own. If you have lots of money but not enough for a downpayment, then put it in a savings account you can pull from if you wind up jobless or whatever. Diving headfirst into a mortgage with somebody who you aren’t even sure you’re compatible with is a terrible idea.
Allow yourself the flexibility to rent when you finish school. You don’t need to be in the place you’re going to live forever at age 21. That flexibility will give you room to adapt to whatever life throws at you in your early 20s, and that’s more important than getting started on home ownership.
In terms of the relationship, it sounds like you aren’t the biggest fan of what his natural personality is, and waiting around for somebody to change into the person you wish they were is usually a losing game. The better bet tends to be going out and finding somebody who is already what you’re looking for. It might take you a while, but there’s no rush. You’re young and have lots of time to figure things out.