Hi I know this sounds so fucked up but I really need to learn how to hate this person. He is extremely mentally and emotionally abusive and is constantly cheating, lying, and gaslighting. I know I am trauma bonded to him and my brain is so stuck in the cycle so because of these things (and I’m sure more) I cannot hate him and cannot bring myself to leave him. Any tips on how to get out and not have a mental breakdown when I do? I just wish I could truly hate him for what he’s done so I don’t feel so empty without him. We have been together six years so I’m terrified to be without him, truly thought we’d be together forever.
Comments
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We’d like to take this time to remind users that:
We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors
We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.
Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users “friend-zoned”, referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me’s, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.
All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don’t get a free pass.
Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, “body counts” or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.
If you have any questions, please message the mods
This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
You don’t want to hate him. You want to be indifferent to him.
If you’re this attached to the wrong person, imagine how attached and loved you could be with the right person. You’re feeling this exhausted right now. Imagine feeling the same way 50 years from now. Don’t let your bf keep you from finding your husband.
Also, you need to work on your self esteem. Try therapy or something. You need to be actively working on yourself in some way, shape or form.
Literally I was trauma bonded with my soon to be ex husband and he was abusive to me in every way but of course the relationship was all unicorns and rainbows up until after we got married. Things gradually started to escalate with him and we had lived a couple hours away from where we’re both from originally and he got really bad long story short. Eventually 7 months ago I realized I really had enough of that treatment and I moved back to where my family is and I gave myself time to recover and just focus on myself and taking care of my physical and mental health and I am so much happier now and I feel so much healthier too. This is me telling you that it is very much possible for you to have the same happy outcome as me. Atleast you aren’t married to this person. What’s good is that you have recognized on your own that this behavior of his is not normal and that you should in fact leave. I’m 27f and just like you I am still young and I know there’s still other good people out there and there’s still so much to look forward to in life. You got this
Do exactly what you’d tell a best friend to do if they came to you with the same story as yours.
See a mental health professional such as a psychologist so that they are able to assist you in developing strategies to change your way of thinking and lessen your dependence on this person. You already know you have to end this toxic relationship, you just need assistance to make you prepared for the consequences of doing so.
You’re asking the wrong question.
What you meant to ask is how do you learn to love yourself enough to realize you deserve someone who treats you SO much better.
You decide you are worth more than that.
See a psychologist. Cancel the self loathing
I would just forgive and walk away. I totally understand where you coming from and it’s easier said than done. Personally, using your anger to hate him might be a temporary solution that may be effective; although I think forgiving and ultimately loving yourself the most is the best objective. You are gonna be the person that has to spend your entire life with yourself, so you gotta put yourself first. Good luck !
If you want to go the long route I say stay with him and he’ll make you have him the longer you’re with him by acting the way he acts.
The short way is constantly remind yourself of what he’s done as you’re leaving with him. It might not be hate but it will keep you strong enough to walk away and hopefully stay away.
Date someone else.
Your brain will get the chemistry you need to lose the whatever you feel for him.
It works. I say it for experience. Its not really fair tho
Doesn’t matter how you feel about him as long as you leave him.
I were little trauma bonded to my ex. I thought that my feelings are like noose where I’m hanging. I got to break up with him by putting my feelings to side and focusing thinking only rationally. Getting out of the noose where scissors what to use to cut the noose and my reason and thinking rationally were those scessors. I knew I should break up with him but feelings prevented that so I put those to side. I also asked another man and female oppinion about my sitsuation which helped me focusing think rationally and the facts. I had my moms support where I moved my stuff from his appartment before I broke up with him. I hope these tips helps.
i know everyone and their dog says this but, is this how you want the rest of your life to be like? what if you have kids with them, would you want them to be treated like this? would you be okay with your kids perceiving your relationship as love? if your friend said that this was the situation they were in would you give their partner the same grace you are giving yours? are you willing to tell your parents exactly how he treats you, how would they react to that.
there will never be a easy way out it will suck to leave someone you love even if they are not good for you.
I wish you the best!!
Imagine he is treating someone you love the same way. Seriously. Feel the rage and disgust you would have toward him if that were the case. Hold onto it.
And, leave. Distance will help you see it all.
I had a 3 yr relationship with a true narcissist, he constantly cheated on me , mentally controlled me nearly drove me to suicide he turned my life into a living nitemare but I managed to escape his clutches , by just believing and telling myself I deserved better , I walked away , he remained under my skin for over two years until I met the love of my life , now I’m free , just leave him start anew get the love you deserve , don’t waste another second , and never look back , you can do this , start your new chapter x good luck x
You just need to start loving yourself and fucking leave.
Get yourself a notes app on your phone. Write down a list of all the reasons why this guy is bad for you. At the end of the list, write in big, bold letters: You deserve better, and you won’t get it from this clown. Stop wasting your time on someone who does not deserve another second of it.
Re-read as often as necessary. Good luck. ☘️