I am looking on advice on how to deal with this situation. Sorry in advance for the long post and thank you to all who takes time to read it.
I am 23(F). My parents divorced 9 years ago after I found out my dad cheated on my mom. My dad is married to her now. In the beginning, she was very kind. She would get me thoughtful gifts for my birthday and Christmas, and even helped my when I had arguments with my father.
When I was 16-17, she changed. It began with small things, such as telling my dad I needed to clean the bathroom (read: on my knees I had to scrub the floor), whilst my brother and stepbrothers only had to do basic tasks such as taking the trash out. If I came downstairs in the morning and didn’t say goodmorning happy enough I would get a lecture from the both of them on how I am a bitch, have an attitude, am spoiled and so on. When I was 18, she called me a parasite and said that I should not dare come in between her and my dad. My boyfriend at that time was not welcome for over a year after he talked with her because I was stressed and she told him (on my 18th birthday) in private that my dad does not think him and I would last anyway, when I confronted her with this she denied and my boyfriend wasn’t welcome anymore. I moved out when I was 19 and saw my dad and her occasionally.
Last year, things took a turn when me and my brother were done with her favouring her own childen (they would always get the expensive gifts, could get away with anything etc.) and treating us/me the way that she did. We decided to have a talk with my dad to explain how we have felt during the time that we know her and we wanted to fix the situation and be happy with each other. He took this very personally and later wrote us a letter only addressing the financial parts of the situation that we addressed (she got a car, expensive jewellery, never pays for groceries/gas etc and we always get shitty gifts for our bday so we addressed this as well) but never addressed the rest of everything that we said. Since then, my stepmother ignores me. I saw her 2-3 times and she did not even say hello when I walked up to her to greet her.
I talked with my dad several times trying to fix this, but he blames me for the situation and defends her. I wanted to accept this and move on with my life and just maintain contact with him, but he brings it up every time I ask him for dinner or just to meet up.
This is not nearly everything of the story, but I miss my dad and I don’t know what to do anymore and it’s very depressing to me. I just want him in my life but I feel like I am pushed out of his. He never texts or calls, never asks about my work or private live, did not even offer to help after I’ve moved twice, and even when I tell him about accomplishments he just says ‘okay’.
What can I do or say to not lose my dad?
Comments
Just start fresh with him don’t bring up his wife or gifts. Just be casual talk about positive things and stay out of his relationship . But to honest he sounds like an asshole I wouldn’t put to much effort into it
My wife dealt with this exact same shit.
Your dad started a new family. My experience is that when said shit happens because of cheating, they tend to erase that inconvenient bit of history by erasing the old family.
So basically, you’ve already lost him. He made a clear choice of his new family over his old and you should respect yourself enough to recognize that decision and proceed accordingly.
MONEY: The pivotal aspect that must be addressed is monetary in nature. Those past decisions are done, and until you can accept that you got less financially, I’d put the odds of reconciliation at a very low score.
You may never know, much less agree, with those prior decisions. But, as I say with primary relationships, if you value and assess them based on what you “get,” you likely will perpetuate a series of more relationships and less long term. Value this on what you can give, how you can love, and positive impact on others.
If the financial issues have you tied is judgement or believing you have been harmed or mistreated by how they spent money, you may lose.
So sorry you are experiencing being abandoned by your own father. Some men are just not capable of doing the right thing. I think he might regret his abandonment of you and your brother someday. Until then, go on with your lives and be successful. As painful as it is, you cannot change him or his choices. Good life to you and your brother.
I think it’s important you see a therapist because these feelings you have about his emotional abandonment and choosing this woman over you (his kids in general – just ick) could impact your relationships with men in general in the future.
In regards to your father, you can try writing a letter again and say just what you said here; basically you can see his wanting to preserve his relationship with his spouse (which I personally don’t agree with) and that you miss him being part of your life and want to maintain that connection (which is the priority for you it sounds like). You can explain that it’s not about money, for you the relationship and quality one-on-one time is of great value to you and that you hope you can move forward.
Personally, it is not fair this has gone down this way but acceptance about your father’s weaknesses (this has absolutely nothing to do with your value as a person or a daughter but about his messed up priorities- likely & unfortunately about getting his physical needs met) will help you get what you are valuing most – maintaining a relationship with your father. Moving forward, try to protect your heart from those who do not invest as much emotionally as you do in them. All people have flaws- you are now very aware of what his are. You aren’t responsible and in actuality don’t have the ability to change someone – that is on them to do.
He’s choosing her over you. Harsh truth: You deserve better than begging for scraps of his attention
Your father has chosen his wife over his kids. What exactly do you respect him for? Accept what little relationship you can maintain. Hoping your Mom is a better human being. Let’s see how those step-kids take care of him (not!) when he gets old…
Tell him you miss him and want a relationship, not conflict. You’re not asking him to choose sides, ust to be your dad. If he still pushes you away, that’s on him, not you.
I would say there is more going on in the relationship between your father and stepmom than you are able to discern.
Consider she got your dad by being a homewrecker and cheating with a married man. Overtime, as their relationship moved on into routine she may have been having fears of the same happening to her. This could be coming out as manipulation on her part to ensure her need for validation through prioritization. Basically, her insecurities could be running the show.
A book an ex of mine shared with me years ago entitled “The Dance of Anger” by PhD author Harriet Lerner was fascinating on how to change the dynamics of difficult relationships. I’ve read a lot of stuff on self help and 20 yrs later I still remember some of the lessons shared in that book.
I highly recommend reading it. Even though it was a lot about women’s relationships with their mothers, I found the lessons apply to all relationships.
In the meantime, I recommend that you and your brother stop trying to contact your dad. Allow him the opportunity to realize he is missing out on his own children’s lives and let your stepmom overplay her hand. If your dad is a decent man at all, he will eventually realize his wife is intentionally coming between you all. But it may take some time.
I know this isn’t the immediate solution you would like, but unfortunately I don’t think there is an immediate solution to be had. Your dad is stuck on the idea of money as opposed to FEELING of being less valued that you and your brother are experiencing. If you do speak with your dad and he brings up the money issue even when you do not (and should not as this is obviously not a winnable argument with them) I highly recommend reorienting the issue to feeling valued, seen and cared about as opposed to the financial aspect as your message is getting lost.
Still, I recommend you and your brother lean into each other, building your relationship not around a mutual disappointment in your father, but in positive ways of supporting each other. You can fill some of the gap of not having a good relationship with your dad for the time being by creating a more positively focused, optimistic, supportive relationship with your brother.
Once you have read the book, then you might have some better strategies to approach your dad and stepmom. I cannot recommend this resource enough. The fact that it remains in print and is updated from time to time speaks to the staying power of the valuable advice given.
Good luck. And remember there is no quick fix to this problem. Focusing on a positive, supportive relationship with your brother (not just based on mutual dissatisfaction with your dad/stepmom) will go a long way in assuaging the pain you feel now and providing a different viewpoint from which to approach the issues down the road.
At this point, anything you say will be taken the wrong way. Possibly you could say something like I’m sorry things are so bad between us, and I love you and really want you to be part of my life. Can we just start fresh from here and let the past stay in the past? If he is receptive to that, don’t talk about your stepmother or bring up how many ways you were wronged. She has convinced him that you only want his money, and when you say things about monetary things, you reinforce that idea. Don’t say anything negative about her. If this doesn’t work, then you just have to live your life and be happy. Don’t let them steal your joy. Good luck.