So to start off, I’m dealing with some personal mental struggles and would really appreciate some advice from fellow men over 30.
This isn’t a pity party. I can honestly say that I am above average in most areas but I at the same time I feel like it’s not nearly enough.
The phrase “the more you learn the less you know” kind of applies here because the more I push myself to learn/get better/stronger/knowledgeable etc. the more I realize that I have SO MUCH more that I don’t know and can’t do. Recently, ive been grappling with the fact that I won’t ever be the best at anything that I love to do. Not even close.
This did dawn on me many years ago and its not like im just now realizing this. I knew from a young age that I that I would likely never become the best at anything, but I was still young and maybe naive so I woke up every day and kept pushing and told myself that I absolutely could be the best and kept pushing and kept on working hard.
I’m now 35. Not too much to show for it. I mean yes by the standard metrics I am somewhat successful in most areas of life. However that also means that by definition I am not outstanding in any category.
I have dedicated myself my entire life to trying to be an excellent specimen of a human male and I am finding it so hard to come to terms with the fact that I while I am decent in some areas, I am realistically just somewhere slightly above average in the aggregate.
I’m getting older now. While I have been able to make some strength gains in the gym, I can physically feel myself slowing down. Recovery is slow and old injuries are easily exacerbated.
I’m not as sharp mentally as I was when I was 20 either. I used to be able to keep chugging along off of willpower and caffeine. Nowadays the mind is willing but the body falters.
I feel like maybe I am moving into a mid life crisis or something of the sort. I just don’t want to admit that this is all there is.
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you’re overthinking it dude. I’m in a similar spot, similar age. floating somewhere between average and great in most aspects of my life, but far from the best at anything.
but coming to terms with that was liberating. stop running the race. focus on your subjective experience. focus on just…enjoying it. your main question needs to stop being “how am I stacking up to everyone right now?” and it needs to be “how do I feel right now? how happy and enjoyable is this exact moment right now?” for bonus points, the questions can also be: “how am I contributing to the happiness of the people I care about right now?”
it’s the only way to not feel like shit for the remainder of our short lives
I’m 29, and currently in a similar mindset as you described you previously were in. The up and go, trying to be outstanding in everything, and even the part where you said you acknowledged that you know better than to think it’s realistic to expect to become outstanding at anything—i acknowledge that too. And I think that’s the part you have to remember.
Focus on what you’re proud of accomplishing, for yourself and not in comparison to others. Do what you can and continue to try to push yourself. I know you say the mind is willing but the body doesn’t go, but is it possible that some of that is exaggerated?
All in all, we have to accept the realities of our lives for what it is. Our limits, how we spent our time in our past. It’s all written in stone. But the things we have, they are the things we can work with. The things we don’t have, we can simply forget. Why would I dread not being able to fly when I don’t have wings? I can run, because I have legs.
There’s always something to be grateful for, and always something to strive for, especially at age 35. People in their 60s after retirement still find ways to enjoy life and build themselves up.
Hey man, I take a mlc to be a sign from your higher self, your soul, God, whatever higher purpose, that you’re not living up to the potential you know you can. That’s all.
So let’s see how this sentence wants to finish for you:
“If these feelings were pointing me in a direction that I’ve been resisting for quite some time now, it’d be this: —“
First thing that comes to mind – don’t overthink it – how does this sentence want to finish?
I’m just curious where this comes from. Were you raised by someone who expected perfection – or told you that you had to be the absolute best at something? It seems like a dangerous/unobtainable standard to hold yourself to.
Yup midlife crisis stuff
You don’t need to be extraordinary at all just try to be happy with what you have and work to help the ones you love be happy.
Really everything else is noise and quite silly
Depression, anxiety, whatever other mental health struggles 100% cause brain fog, sluggishness, and a myriad of other things in my experience. If you’ve taken care of yourself, no drinking or smoking, then your physical health is probably not an issue. Mental loads we carry are a burden. Doesn’t hurt to get checked out, T levels are something just in case, although mine have consistently been low since I was 20 and no issues.
It sounds like you’re getting pretty damn good at having the ability to be self-reflective and to look objectively at yourself, that’s a skill lots of people don’t possess (I’m just learning it and it’s been life changing). You seem to have been able to identify what’s making you feel bad and why, that’s a huge step, you should take some pride from that! next steps are showing yourself some compassion and deciding what will give you purpose and contentment.
So yeh, you’re getting old and slower (and that’s not meant as an insult, I’m 40 and can’t tie my shoes without a twinge and a groan), but that’s ok, don’t beat yourself up over natural things, by all means keep fit and slow the process but accept it’s a fight where doing your best is what matters more than winning.
There is no real need to be extraordinary at something to succeed in life. Resilience in the face of repeated failures, capability to never stop learning and sheer persistence will get you far much more reliably.
Comparison is the thief of joy. You are a prime example of this. You are down because you are comparing yourself to everyone else. Be the best you can be. There will always be someone better. Set realistic goals. If you can accomplish those goals, you win. Your only competition is yourself.
Get on some testosterone brother and push it hard! Good luck! Men need to feel like men. Strong, unstoppable. Good luck!
Hate to say this, dude, but one of the key features of “an excellent specimen of a human male” is humility.
Excellent specimens of a human male don’t go around calling themselves “above average,” even if it’s only “slightly above average in the aggregate.”
Then again, excellent specimens of a human male don’t describe themselves as “excellent specimens of a human male,” either.
You have no internal life, at least none that comes across in this post. Excellent human male specimens don’t waste all their time measuring themselves against other people and seeing how they stack up. They find a purpose that works for them, whether or not anyone else is paying attention, and they dedicate themselves to it.
It’s not about being “the best” or even “above average,” it’s just about being the best that they can be given the tools they were born with. It’s the dedication to the thing itself, rather than the pats on the back or the ruling at the judge’s table, that matters.
You’ve basically spent your entire life expecting the world to shove validation into your hands, when the world couldn’t care less about it and will never do what you’re looking for. Validation comes from within, and it comes from subjugating the endless hunger of the ego to the higher calling of just doing what you were meant to do. And “what you were meant to do” might take many different forms over the course of your life.
The happiest and most satisfied people are the ones who give up ego and find their purpose in being a part…and maybe not even that important a part…of something bigger than themselves. And when you get to that place, you realize that EVERYTHING is bigger than we are. So satisfaction isn’t all that hard to achieve.
Stop comparing yourself to others
Find something you want to do and do it
Your feelings of inadequacy aren’t because you’re not the best at something.
Your feelings of inadequacy are what made you believe that you needed to be the best at something.
But you are absolutely fine as you are.
This is a lot to unpack.
With so many people on the planet and social media making it more accessible (and more skewed) to witness other people excel in a field or hobby you want to be good at, discouragement is easy to obtain.
For me and my general mental health, have stopped trying to be better than everyone else and rather try to be better than I was.
Looking at lifting weights for example, sure we slow down when we get older and recovery takes longer time, but who are you lifting for? Yourself or to be better than everyone else?
In my opinion, self fulfilment in what you do is way better than being better than someone else.
Take care of yourself ❤️
Better hit that test needle my guy lol.
The slow way is therapy, ayahuasca ceremonies, journaling, and surrounding yourself with other men who are struggling.
The fast way is to get over yourself, not care what others think, and do whatever you want to do in life (in a responsible and self-empoweing way).
This is better suited for a therapist.
I’m 31 and feeling the same. Hang in there buddy
Why on Earth would you have to be the best. What’s so great about even being the best, anyway? Say you were Tiger Woods or Michael Jordan or something. You’d still have all kinds of issues and be screwed up in some other way. They’re not more important or valuable than you are.
Try: gratitude, humility, helping others up instead of pushing yourself to the top. Best of luck.
Being slightly above average is way more than most people will ever achieve and something to be proud of.
Find something you enjoy, and embrace it. Try to be happy for a few minutes every day. Today i walked a path which i walked several times a week for the past three years. I noticed some neat and cozy looking balconies on an apartment buildings and imagined the view and perspective. The imagination was nice, I smiled, and moved on. Happy little moment of the day.
I’m in a similar boat, but through consistent introspection and seeking help I have realised that I was being too harsh on myself. As much as I see myself as above average as well, constantly aiming and striving for more, anecdotes from close family and work has been that I’m outstanding and an overachiever.
We are ultimately our harshest critics and your perception of yourself seems to be weighing you down a bit more than you realise. Like many of the responses here, I echo the same sentiment in saying you need to be kinder to yourself and focus less on chasing perfection but take in all the small moments and achievements without benchmarking yourself to the next person.
Chasing perfection will only end up deflating you. Focus your energy on what feeds you positively and live in the moment.
Yeah, no one can be good at everything some men are good at. We need to specialize, and can!
Also, if you look back to work you did exhausted with just willpower and caffeine at 20, you’ll likely discover it was kinda crap. No one is a good writer on four hours of sleep after an all-nighter.
Oh man, grab yourself a beer, sit on the couch and throw on a copy of Commando!
I don’t know, I have never felt anything like this. I guess my kids always make me feel like I’m superman or something and my wife is always there to lift me up.
Comparison is a thief of joy. Comparing yourself to others, to unattainable roles/personalities, and more over just letting your own mind berate you endlessly is no way to live.
Get your goals down to earth—finishing a race rather than winning the race. Goals that are part of consistency over performance.
Finally, cut yourself some fucking slack—if you’re kind, warm, pay your bills, show up to work, and are gracious you’re doing much much better than 90% of the chuckle-fucks out there.
Keep getting after it!
The concept of excellence is comparative. Maybe now is the time you grow beyond comparisons, look inward, and begin doing those things you’re uniquely here to do. Emerson writes:
> There is a time in every man’s education when he arrives at the conviction that envy is ignorance; that imitation is suicide; that he must take himself for better, for worse, as his portion; that though the wide universe is full of good, no kernel of nourishing corn can come to him but through his toil bestowed on that plot of ground which is given to him to till.
I highly recommend that essay, Self Reliance. It’s all about this topic of respecting the inner compass rather than the outer one.
There’s always a plateau. It’s not always the wall blocking progress we tend to see it as when up against it. It’s probably time to step back and get some perspective.
Honestly, if you even noticed it and your own limitations so far, you’re well ahead of the average person who will happily accept mediocrity and comfortable stasis over pushing at their limits and struggling for progress.
The only person you need to be better than is you yesterday. It may take a year to get there, but you have a lot of those left, most likely. You’ll get to the edge of that plateau eventually.
In the meantime, take a moment to appreciate how far you’ve come. You knowing that you don’t know everything attests to you knowing a lot more than most do.
If you do as much as you can, you’re doing enough.
Are your feelings based on how you feel others may perceive you, or just your own standards on how you should be doing?
I may be the old man chiming in here. I am 60 and strive to follow 94 year old Clint Eastwood’s advice of, “when the old man knocks on your door, don’t let him in “. Certainly except and pretty much embrace my age. But it is what it is. Yeah I was probably thinking just as you when I was 35. However this what I think now. I don’t take myself or my life so seriously. When I find myself in the doldrums, I say okay. It’s going to be better in a bit so just be patient. I still CrossFit, 5 mile hike/trail run with my dog this afternoon. I am pretty satisfied at being the best I can be. Being honest and respectful to everyone in my life especially myself. One foot in front of the other brother. Isn’t anything else we can do
Billions of lives have been lived and ended with nothing memorable about them outside of loved ones. Did their lives matter? The sun will die out in about 5 billion years – Vincent Van Gogh died penniless and unremarkable. In the grand scheme of things – no, they didn’t matter. None of us do. The world is built upon normal people doing normal things. I’d forget being remarkable and focus in being happy
So, in my experience, as a man, my value had always been based on what I could provide. I was constantly cheated on (I left them when I found out) and left because I didn’t have a good enough job or a solid enough plan for them.
Being the best is overrated. Being your best is where it’s at. You are truly your own competition and the only competition that matters. There is always someone better. If you concern yourself with that, you will never be YOUR best.
I can tell you that there are more challenges to look for to improve yourself than you know. I once felt like ‘good enough’ was never enough and that’s not the worst point of view. But if it starts to make you feel like you are inferior in some way, you have to find a way to experience life in a different way.
I’m 46 and I’ve gone from trying to be the best, to good enough to now, where I accept my limits and enjoy what’s around me. I’m not my focus anymore. I found love that was real and a world to explore with her. I try new things and go new places.
Life isn’t always a stairway, sometimes it’s a slide.
Therapy. That’s how you process feelings.
This is all there is. That’s not a bad thing. Find the things you love and set realistic goals to achieve them. Who cares about being the best? It takes so much dedication to be the best at something. I guess I’m lucky because I like being pretty good at a lot of things. I get obsessive about something for a little bit, get adequate, and then get bored because the jump to be very good is slow. If you don’t love one thing and the grind to be elite then you’ll never get there. I don’t love one thing enough.
I’ve found that my diverse interest makes me pretty interesting and likable to a very diverse crowd. That’s my superpower. I’m sure you have one.
Adequate means satisfactory. Not being the best is not synonymous with inadequate. I don’t think there is a word for that. I’d also point out that the wisest people know their limitations. They ask for help. They find specialist and experts to help them achieve things.
Zuckerberg isn’t the best programmer, musk isn’t the best engineer, etc.
Could you be specific? What sort of areas in life were you trying to excel in? Best C++ programmer? Best marathon runner? World champion bratwurst-eater?
There’s a phrase along the lines of… I’m only intelligent enough to know how dumb I really am. And it sounds as if you’ve reached this point. So if you want to move on and become better in something, its probably best to focus on a specific area. You can’t be the best at everything. No one can.
Also 35 is no time to stop. Athletes can still be world class in their 40s. Mid life crisis, depression, realisation. It could be any, all or none. Acceptance of where and who you are can help you deal with that easier. Gl.
Your working towards people’s opinions of you and beating yourself up about it instead of working towards being good to yourself.
I would highly recommend getting out of your head completely and practicing mindfulness. It turned thi gs around for me. Helped me feel what’s really important. I’m same age as you.
Your perception of the world is the only thing you’ll have until you die and you’re feeding it a bunch of negative thoughts about not being good enough and making the world seem dark and scary. Get out of your head using mindfulness and your perception will become healthier and happier. Let me know if you need help or would like to know what worked for me. Good luck!
Most people—by which I mean over 99% of people, not just 50% +1—will be completely forgotten by history within a hundred years of their death. That’s a generous approximation of how long it will take the youngest person who knew you when you were alive to also die.
When I start staring into my own belly button and ponder my own mortality, the lyrics to one of my favorite Bad Religion songs, “Henchman”:
>Don’t be a henchman. Stand on your laurels.
Do what no one else does and praise the good of other men, for good men’s sake
And when everyone else in the world follows your lead
Although a cold day in hell it will surely be
That’s when the entire world shall live in harmony
Embrace your nothingness. Find peace with being forgotten by this time next century. Continue to do good, and do it for it’s own merits. That’s all.
What I’ve been telling myself is: Be great to yourself, not great compared to others. This peace will bring you real happiness, and others will see that. But don’t do it solely to make others think highly of you, do it to make you have a better attitude towards yourself and towards life. Then the side-effect will be that you will have the mental/emotional bandwidth to treat others with the kind of love and care you never gave yourself because you were so hard on yourself for so long.
I’m average in every aspect of life. Came to accept it years ago and it’s made my attitude so much better. I’ve got money, happily married for a long time, and don’t really want for anything. Another commenter commented earlier saying that “comparison is the thief of joy” and man that really hits. One thing I’ve learned over time is that by simply being “average” you’re doing a hell if a lot better than many people. Some people think I’m a high performer and it couldn’t be further from the truth. I do exactly what I have to do and nothing more and that alone has put me in a good position in life
I’m older than you but remember feeling the same way and actually tried what some might consider hard hitting and high speed things (quitting high paying job to take a low paying dangerous one) because I thought I was missing out on something. Did I enjoy it? Yeah, kind of, but it also made me appreciate what I had ten fold. Now, I’m back to my completely average life and really appreciative of it. I can’t think of anything that I am even remotely above average at except the Jeopardy Sports Category when it comes on!
I’ll pass on a tough truth.
Emptiness comes from the lack of human connection.
We can do a thought experiment I’ve heard Peter Attia illustrate.
Imagine you have all the money and skill in the world. You don’t ever have to work, but no humans exist on the planet other than you. Bots run everything. You can go online and order stuff, go to restaurants and bots take your order, etc..
In this theoretical world without humans, how long before you commit suicide?
The reason why the world prescribes all sorts of “man be alpha” or whatever is cuz its not about being the best. It’s about developing one’s self to attract connection with others. But we lose the forest for the trees and feel like a failure for not having the achievement nor the connection.
Others have great advice like accepting your happiness, but Arthur C Brooks points out the macronutrients of happiness, and they are: pleasure, satisfaction, and meaning.
You can try to “find yourself” or “be content” with what you have, all you want but what you really want to break down is what gives you the three things?
I’d say most single men lack meaning. Plenty of hedonistic things for pleasure, and usually work can be satisfying, but no one’s got meaning, which usually comes from other people.
And the grass is greener where it’s watered. So relationships need watering. Hang out with the buds, call em up, open up about your day to day. Us guys can’t hang out unless we are doing something. Trevor Noah talks about liming. It’s simply sitting around, doing nothing with other ppl. It’s how we keep the lines of connection open with each other and build strength in our relationships with each other. We talk and shoot the shit, etc.
This is where we ought to look to get to as guys. Liming with family, friends, etc. And out of there, naturally will come the 3 macros of happiness.
Becoming the best at anything requires a psychotic level of obsession. Most of the people who are the best at what they do are monsters in other aspects of their lives. Look at Tiger Woods and Michael Jordan.
I am very average in almost every way, and I’m grateful for that. I can do lots of things well, and I can do a few things very well, because I have worked hard on them. I don’t care about being the best at anything. I just want to be helpful, kind, loving, happy, and at peace.
Get off the internet and stop comparing yourself to the shit you see while doom scrolling. Even doom scrolling this site/app. It sounds like you’re comparing yourself to something/someone without knowing you’re doing it.
Why do you wanna be the best at something? Why does it bother you to be average at most things? Those are deep questions you need have a base understanding of before you look to get over the hurtle.
The gym thing….again, sounds like you’re comparing yourself to someone or something.
I think you just need to accept who you are and move on with it. You seem stuck in this comparison phase of your life and it’s creating undue stress in yourself. Look inward and see the life you’ve built for yourself and be appreciative of it. Be grateful of it. Life is constantly hurtling curve balls at us and that’s stressful enough as is, don’t create more stress on yourself by yourself.
I feel you while you don’t make sense. 🙂
What is your life about? Personal Success? Do you have anything in your life that you find important and dedicate time in your life to doing? Spend time doing things for other people. Volunteer at a church or a soup kitchen. Build houses for the poor. Plant a thousand trees. Ride across America to raise money for veterans. But, do something that you can devote time, energy and effort to that benefits someone other than yourself.
Maybe your perspective will change about what’s important.
When it comes to 1v1 games, I’m a competitive motherfucker.
When it comes to life, if you’re only going to crown one winner…you ain’t that guy; live with it. However, if happiness/contentment is winning, then there’s plenty of room on this podium; just be content, my guy.
This is why pursuing excellence, for excellence’s sake, is empty.
If you don’t love the process of becoming excellent, you’ll never find satisfaction—even if you actually manage to get there.
Enjoy your life, man. Find things that you love that aren’t a future version of yourself.
Where does this push to be the best come from? What if you win a gold medal at something one year? There’s next year and the year before you won. Just flow. Find a psychologist and maybe a psychiatrist for meds.
Stop comparing yourself to everyone else. Stop attempting to compare yourself to what your future self could potentially be. And most importantly, stop attacking yourself for just being yourself. You are soley looking for problems and inadequacies within yourself.
Instead of looking for the negatives, change your mindset and look at the positives. Stand in front of the mirror and ask yourself what you accomplished today. Not what you could have accomplished, but what you actually did today that was a win, a step forward, progress towards ANYTHING you are working on. Acknowledging little wins help tremendously in creating a better image of yourself.
The overall pattern here that I’m seeing, from your post and responses, is that your default perspective is to interpret the world as a series of vertical relationships stacked from bottom to top, with each domain being it’s own column.
As you are maturing, you may be running into conflict as you struggle to realize that the world doesn’t truly operate this way.
It’s way more complex than a stratified top vs the rest, when comparing skills and life experiences.
I’d implore you to spend some time consciously studying what it means to create horizontal relationships in your life, as opposed to vertical ones. Focus on the things that are common between you and others, and see them as they are, instead of their potential or reached success.
You’re aging and it’s totally normal. We won’t be 21 forever. I went through the same thing pushing myself harder than ever and it cost me 3 surgeries because I hated thinking I couldn’t do something anymore.
You’re 35. Unless you’re juicing your gains won’t come easy. The problem with juicing at your age is you’ll be a raging bull. You’ll hit the gym ready to fight and fornicate which will cause problems.
Give yourself a break. Father Time catches up with everyone.