Hi there, I am in my mid-thirties and I’ve been experiencing that early-thirties breakdown in some of my long-term female friendships and in general, other relationships (work, partner, etc). And after some introspection, I’ve realized that I am struggling with a sense of self, with a “core” identity.
I’ll start by saying that I learned a lot about generosity, being giving and loving from my mother and grandmother, who really just gave an abundant amount of (their) work, effort, gifts, good meals, good time, their attention to other people – their family, their friends, their relationships. I imbibed all of this and so all through my teens and twenties, I tried to be very giving wherever I could: being the listener friend, being the friend ready to help you figure out things, I was often relied upon for logic and analyzing a situation in an intelligent way, I often cooked for all my colleagues, friends and my family, had them over to my place, threw haphazard, fun parties and dinners, endlessly adjusted to others, said yes a lot to a lot of things I wanted to say no to.
Saying yes when I should’ve said no – by my early-30s – got me into trouble: I said yes half-heartedly, didn’t uphold my end of the “yes” and then failed to come through on my “yeses” and after the earlier pattern, my friendships fell apart. But I was glad, because it felt like I was letting go of some relationships that weren’t helping me grow or change.
But now, there’s an internal identity issue: all my life (until now), I saw myself as a generous and giving person, the one who hosted people, the one who cooked for people, the one who planned logistics, the one who adjusted to others requirements and now I’ve come to the realization that maybe I am not all that, maybe I actually find it exhausting to put that much effort into people and things. I also realize that perhaps I have been “image” or “ego” oriented – I thought this is the way I should be, I was desperate to be liked by people, so I appealed to them by being what they wanted or needed. It feels like I did a lot of this from a sense of competition or creating a “persona”, out of some desperation to be “included” in some high school cliques or like the “leader” or “popular girl” of some social group (I also did hold a few leadership positions all through my twenties which I’ve let go of in my present career-break).
At 34, I’ve realized that I am none of the above (“generous, giving,” etc etc all the fine qualities I listed above).
My persona building has fallen flat on my own face and destroyed my sense of self, and I don’t quite know who I am at all. I have lost a significant chunk of my friends (I do have a couple of long-term friendships I cherish/have maintained), my professional work is very different from what I did in my 20s, so my days look verryyy different and there seems like a “break” of sorts in my sense of self, from my 20s to 30s and I am struggling with this.
I am starting to piece together who I am, taking bits of the person I was in my 20s and asking – am I still this? Am I this person? Do I actually love this thing/person? Do I actually enjoy doing this? I’ve tried to self-reflect but I am struggling to create a “new” sense of self for myself, one that assimilates who I was in my 20s and who I am now? For women in their 30s – please share any advice on how you maintain, evolve, grow as a woman in your 30s? How the fuck do I process all the changes of this long life?
I’m so sorry for rambling!
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I don’t have advice but wanted to comment saying I resonate with this on such a deep level. Recently I’ve been trying to finally advocate for myself: what I want, what i need, the type of people I want surrounding me. I told my husband yesterday that I’ve been convincing myself I was happy for years, possibly my entire life, and I’m finally realizing i wasn’t. My closest friendships are struggling. We had time together, but has it ever truly been about a deep and fulfilling connection?
I really find myself sometimes overwhelmed, sometimes sad, but also excited at my new prospects. I’m turning 36 this year and it feels like a good time to figure things out. I have time. (Hopefully).
I love this for you and I hope you make a life for yourself that you love filled with people you adore!
Yess, I definitely experienced this as well, there was a flip into a “wait, why?” mindset about so many of the things that I had previously thought needed to be faithfully maintained.
Some of it is a natural thing as we transition from the stage where you’re very concerned about defining yourself within the group, seeing yourself how others see you. Transitioning towards building life forward and realizing it all can’t fit at the same time, that some of it contradicts, realizing how much of it came from other peoples’ desires and ideas about how it should be.
But I think it’s really exacerbated by how perfectionist and black-and-white our culture is, how much anxiety we have about how we are perceived, and how much we credit that for whether or not we are accepted in our groups. I think in an increasingly isolationist world, acceptance becomes this precious thing that can slip away for no apparent reason. We fixate on it, and worry that we are “all” one thing, or “none” of another. We don’t see anything that resembles the flat, clearly defined version of our selves that we’ve been reaching for. Because life turns out to be a lot more complex than that, and you carry your past experiences with you, so it’s kind of impossible to predict the future self or to reach towards a specific future self, because it keeps changing. Like I could not have predicted my current self ten years ago, the proud parts or the shameful parts.
Maybe the wisdom about this comes later, as I’m still kinda breaking out of it, but I think the key lies in ignoring the idea that you should be defined, the expectation that this should be figured out by now, leaning into curiosity instead, and relating to people through that. Giving ourselves the grace to discover that we got when we were still in school.
And when you find something you really care about or a value you feel deeply, stay true to it and don’t change it for anyone else or try to justify it based on how you’re perceived. When I started to notice how many adults were continuing forward just due to the time they’d already committed, even when it didn’t make sense, I knew I definitely didn’t want to live like that. But I understand people who do.
I think creativity and expression can really help. Putting some of your self outside of yourself, so you can see it, and it’s not echoing around in your head with all the other worries and memories. It can be a way to manifest things that are hard to define, see the parts of yourself that don’t fit in the black-and-white.
Oh. Wow. I’m 34 and in the same boat. I am working on figuring it out. I have anxiety and cringe at all my past cringiness on a regular basis. There are things I did in my 20s that make me blush. But that’s not who I am anymore. I am actively trying to be me – musis, clothes, decor, chasing the job I want, and volunteerimg when I want.
I think FB and having someone from nearly every past aspect of my life lingering there with an idea of me that is no longer applicable but is still expected – makes it hard for me to grow without imposter syndrome. I am 85% done with FB. I need to take the leap.
Edit to add: I think starting with what we know we like is a place to build upon.