My (34F) partner (42m) have been together for 13 years. We have two primary aged kids. A few days ago my partner got blackout drunk and acted in a way which I can not forgiven, he didn’t cheat, but he was just so terrible. He’s done this before, about once or twice a year and I’ll end up forgiving him/moving on because it only ever affected me before. This time the kids saw, the kids were scared and hurt. He wasn’t violent, but was just so drunk he ended up hurting them physically (minor) and emotionally. I hated them seeing how he treats me when he’s drunk, like an object just there to be grabbed and I hated them seeing him treat me like I’m an idiot. He swore and made threats to leave and go back home, which we are all sad he didn’t go through with.
The past few days he’s apologised to the kids and me, but it’s been brief, ‘I’m sorry for all that I did’. No elaboration or talking about it. He didn’t even show his face the first two days after. He seems grumpy with me that I’m not acting normally and keeps trying to touch me and initiate hugs and things, like everything is normal, but it’s not. I’m furious with him.
I feel uncomfortable when he touches me. I don’t feel love for him anymore. It’s just switched off. I look at him and just see all the other times he’s been black out drunk over the years. I would take the kids right now and move to my parents, except my job situation means I can’t for a year. I would be out about 10,000 pounds if I skip out early, but if I stay for a year it will be free for me. We’re not rich people and don’t have family or friends nearby to stay with, so we really are stuck there for now. I don’t know how to pretend for a year. He’s going to notice, I’m just hoping he’ll be willing to co-parent for a year before we can leave.
I just can’t think of a way to kindly say ‘I don’t love you anymore’ without it making him angry.
How do I say this in a kind way, has anyone else been through this?
Comments
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We’d like to take this time to remind users that:
We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors
We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.
Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users “friend-zoned”, referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me’s, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.
All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don’t get a free pass.
Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, “body counts” or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.
If you have any questions, please message the mods
This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
If what you’re saying is that your partner is violent to you, and now to the kids. It’s more than just a break up conversation.
You need to seek support from a shelter and maybe they can help you find somewhere to live away from him. The kids also need to be safe and protected.
Are you willing to do a police report, or take your children to a doctor for evaluating their injury?
I would leave. Somethings are worth the cash. I appreciate it’s not a small amount but either kick him out or leave. Your children are afraid of him. He abused one. Minor injury or not. That is such a black and white thing to say. This isn’t about money, it’s not about you – protect them and get them away from him.
Can he leave and you and the kids stay? I don’t think it needs to be about love, I think the fact that he crossed a line by being a drunk asshole in front of your children is enough. That you’ve wanted to leave because of how he treats you for years, but that you stayed for their sake and now you see that that was a mistake because he showed them who he truly is regardless of you trying to hide it from them.
I don’t think you and your children should go anywhere because of his behaviour. Instead, push for him to leave like he’s mentioned in the past. if you make things uncomfortable enough with zero forgiveness, that’s enough to wear any man down.
Its not you who should be leaving – its him, his fuk-up to deal with, not yours.
Getting that across cleanly is the hard part.
It’s hard to say when we don’t know how he will react or respond.
I think I would start with I do love you as in a father to my kids, a person and someone I have been in love with in the past, but I’m not in love with you anymore.
I don’t want our interactions when you’re drinking to hurt the kids in the long run.
I would like for us to find a way to be 2 good humans for them. But for the time, I’m not interested in intimacy or having these issues. Let’s do our best to give our kids the best life we can. Let’s start looking about possible separating and going our own way but staying good friends so we can be good parents. Nothing immediate. But in the future when we can both comfortably move on.
If he still lives you, you’re not going be able to do much about it unless you leave and start a separation/ divorce.
At least he will know you’re serious and maybe he’ll be better for the year you have to be there. ( I would keep the time frame and the why to yourself)
Don’t say the words. Act politely as if he is no longer a partner, treat him as a roommate. When he is drunk leave. Imparative you and children have a place to go even if it is a hotel. You can get a police intervention if he is drunk and children are exposed to his misbehavior, abuse doesn’t have to be physical. File for seperation and get support agreements. Tell him to join AA and get psychological counseling or to move out. Your primary responsibility is to provide a safe environment for you and children. To stay in current environment is not an option. You may take a financial hit, but better than doing nothing.
If he is violent don’t say anything just make a plan and leave telling him that will make the drinking worse and the violence worse. I’m sorry you are going through this.
You are in denial. You can’t say “he’s not violent” and immediately follow up with saying he “hurt them physically and emotionally”.
You need to tell him that you are separating because of his behavior, but you would like to stay living together and co-parent for a year or so.
Even if you know 100% you are done and don’t love him, don’t even say it until you are moved out. If he wants to think there’s a chance, let him think it, so he can take that time to self-improve, and it’ll make the whole living together thing go much smoother.
Or if he’s excited by it all, and heads out dating, then it frees you from having to say it all anyway.
You need to leave to protect your children, and yourself. Call a women’s shelter and see if they can find you housing. Every time he gets drunk he can get more aggressive with the children, can you live with that, they shouldn’t have to?