So my parents are coming to visit (for over two fuckin weeks almost) next month for my baby shower, long story short, my mom threw quite a few tantrums over my pregnancy, and in the process obliterated the good relationship (I thought) we had.. it’s really opened my eyes big time to how I am ACTUALLY treated in my family, my dad is OK, but is a big enabler for my mother and has the tendency to send me on guilt trips when he wants to get their way.
These tendencies have def been in front of my face for forever, but I’m just now seeing it bc I’m starting my own family and let me tell you I have NOO energy to people please her anymore.. so if you guys could give me tips on how to manage their visit without causing tension and drama? This isn’t for her it’s mainly for me bc I can’t take anymore stress during this pregnancy and I’m 32wks now🥲
My plan was to just commit to the shower ofc, since I have no choice now, and just see them here and there during the visit, I have an older brother who does this too, mostly bc he is just aloof and put video games over anything, but i can def get behind that lol. Would that be rude you think? I just know they’ll pull the “we came here for you and you can’t even see us everyday” thing.
Anyway!! Any help and support for this stressed pregnant first time mom is MUCHH appreciated. 🥹
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If they picked the time frame you could always say youve got other commitments during the stay but you are available on days xyz? Setting the boundary that you arent at their beck and call but you have set time aside for them. I hope it goes well.
Brace yourself for unwanted advice, horrendously outdated things will be suggested. Smile and wave. Lol
Girl you’re going to need time and space from them to really heal. Any time your mom throws a tantrum going forward, end the conversation by leaving, hanging up, or blocking her number for 24 hours. She will spread her toxicity to whoever is closest to her and they will try to plead with you to re-open the dialog because she is hurt and making it their problem. Do not engage. Instead say, “I appreciate that you want to help. I need space right now and will reach out to her when I am ready.”
Look up Dr. Jerry Wise on YouTube for his content on self-differentiation and family systems feelings, too. He has made me realize I am not rude for knowingly upsetting people by prioritizing my own wellbeing and preferences. Your moms feelings do not matter more than yours. She behaves rude and you are expected to take it and behave according to normal relationship rules, but you can’t have normal relationship rules when the other person doesnt abide by them.Â
Dr. Wise has a great coaching message on how to keep people in your life on your terms without beinf explosive or fighting. There is no need to struggle with your mom. Decide your boundaries and follow through on consequences when she crosses them.Â
Example: You go to dinner with your parents. Your mom asks to be in the delivery room. You say no. She says whatever she can to trigger guilt in you and questions why you dont love her and why you would rob her of this experience. You tell her, “I feel most comfortable having this experience with just my husband.” She will persist so you say, “I have made my decision and if you can’t respect it then I will have to leave.” And if she doesnt heed your warning, you drop some cash and go home. There will be fallout and a lot of people will be angry, but its temporary.Â
Stay calm, stay consistent, and don’t explain yourself or your needs. People will need time up adjust when you stop fulfilling your role within the family. Don’t stoop to name calling or arguing, just focus on your needs and how you will protect them.Â