We’re both 23F and part of a 8 girl friend group from high school. I knew her as my friend’s friend but we only started getting closer last year. We were getting along but a couple things started to get to me.
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She doesn’t drive. I’m always the one driving. There are times when she assumes that I will go pick her up since we made plans later in the day. We live nearby (10 minutes) so that’s okay but sometimes she will expect me to get her from her work (30 minutes away). One time we made plans and I told her I was going to be somewhere 1 hour away, but she said she assumed I was going to pick her up… which doesn’t make sense because we were meeting up in the middle… It’s like she doesn’t understand how things work. Her parents drive her everywhere or she Ubers.
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She has strong BO. It smells really bad. I can’t tell if she is aware or not, she will call herself stinky but jokingly. I try to hint by offering her body wipes or deodorant and she’ll refuse. Even after she showers, she will smell strong after a couple hours… Which is not her fault but if you were subjected to this in close proximity and no air flow, you would be mad too.
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We hosted a party together, just a casual gathering with our mutual friends. Sorry if details are vague, I’m not trying to reveal my identity, but everyone in the friend group has creative/artistic hobbies and she insisted on doing a certain activity. I said we could do it another way that is easier. She kept insisting her way because she had experience and it took us the whole week to prepare for it. A week where I picked her up after work and we spent hours in my house being close to her BO, and then me dropping her off. In the end, she ruined it because she messed up on one of the steps. Party was still okay though. But she didn’t seem to be upset and basically said “oh well”. Which made me mad…
So now it’s gotten to the point where everything she says pisses me off. I won’t say I’m a perfect friend because I’m sure I have been annoying too. And she is not a terrible person, there are times where she is kind and supportive. But it doesn’t help that she can say the stupidest things ever. Is this my resentment talking?
I haven’t talked to anyone about this and I don’t think the other girls can tell that I don’t like her now. I still want to keep this friend group and I think I’d be okay with hanging out in a larger setting. So I’ve been keeping space from her. How would you stop hating her in this situation? Would it even be possible?? Do I just need to let go?
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Sometimes, just talking things out can make a world of difference! Maybe consider having an honest but gentle conversation with her about how you feel. You could frame it as wanting to strengthen your friendship and understanding each other better. It’s perfectly okay to set some boundaries regarding driving or any other expectations she might have. Let her know what works for you without feeling guilty about it!
I would say the best way to not hate her and prevent rifts in the friend group would be to stop hanging out with her as much and just be respectful when she is around. Her BO could be due to a medical condition and be something she’s sensitive about sometimes giving people grace let’s sides of them show that you weren’t aware of and you can end up tolerating or actually liking them naturally
I would typically talk it out with a closer friend of yours in the group. Not complaining or insulting, just venting to see your friend’s thoughts. I often find that they will have some new perspective on the things you’re upset about, whether it’s new information or just validation that they feel the same. I think once you unplug a bit about her the other frustrations will have room to breathe and you may feel better about her as a whole. It’s also okay to just settle for being friend-group friends with her and nothing more
The driving thing is annoying, sure, but just to check – have you told her that? Like just said “hey if you’re wanting a lift check in advance, it makes me feel like a taxi when you expect me to trek across town to fetch you.” And get some fuel money
The BO… I mean yeah, can see that it wouldn’t be great to have around all the time but it’s not something she’s doing to you. No clue on a solution though – I’m sure people will suggest telling her but I could never, I’m way too inept, so not going to bother wasting time pretending that would be a chill easy conversation to have
The party thing… it’s hard to really tell without more context but if one step of an activity went wrong but the party ended up fine then she’s kind of right, it’s not that big of a deal?
It feels more like she’s just grating on you and you are reaching for logical reasons because that feels better than saying she just innately aggravates you and you’ve been over exposed because of the party planning and car thing and have run out of patience.
Before you start waging friend group civil war would it potentially be worth just keeping some distance for a while? Just being unavailable for driving her, not agreeing to plans just the two of you, and take a breather. You may find the irritation less intense when it’s not so frequent…
Just sounds like she isn’t even your friend. You definitely talk smack about her or judge her. Especially if you are on Reddit the way you are. Do yourself a solid and stop talking to her. It’ll save you both time and energy. If she asks where you been, just be straight with her. Don’t waste her time and tell her how you actually feel. You’ll probably piss her off and who knows. Give it time. Maybe one day she comes to her senses and you guys can work things out. Or better yet, maybe you guys work it out on the spot. But be quiet and let her come to you. If she never does, you have your answer.
All of this but the BO are easy fixes. You need to communicate what is bothering you
I got rides off my friend a lot when I was a teen with high driving anxiety. She snapped at me one day & I stopped. I would have preferred a calm conversation about how she felt
You can’t expect her to read your mind
This is a hard one.
It is indeed hard not to get irritated. However take responsibility for your irritation. Technically this girl can’t make you do something you don’t want to do. I have witnessed something about myself and I think it might apply here, when we betray our own boundaries for others we feel irritated with them, however I found that the reality lies in us being upset that we aren’t protecting our boundaries. Maybe I am projecting or wrong, but I noticed the moment I stood up for my boundaries my irritation with certain people truly dropped. So in the end it was more about me being frustrated about doing things I don’t want to and blaming it on those I have seen as the reason behind those, when in reality you are in control even if you are doing something to avoid conflict.
I think I would attempt a couple things. If you genuinely don’t mind picking her up, do so on whatever day or time is convenient for you, that is a kind thing to do and why not if you truly don’t mind it. If she says that she expected you to pick her up somewhere far or inconvenient or you just don’t want to, laugh it off, turn it into a self deprecating silly thing like “Oh my god girl, I feel horrible don’t rely on me like that, I am not that reliable!” Said in a silly tone it appears friendly, kind, but also sort of lets her know not to count on you. You can also say “Hey unless we agreed in advance please don’t count on it like that, what if I would have to cancel or something, I would hate for you to miss out on going because of me and I didn’t even realize you expected me to get you, I wouldn’t even know to call you to let you know” or you know say things like “Hey you are a little far, I look like a mess I need all the time I can get to get ready, don’t want to be late though” . I think maybe those are diplomatic enough yet maybe eventually she will catch on. Of course you can also directly tell her that “Hey I don’t usually mind picking you up from home it is barely 10 minutes away, but when it is further away, I am so not up to drive that extra… I kind of need all the time I can get, plus I really don’t enjoy driving so much and gas costs like crazy, I hope you understand.”
For the BO, if she jokes about being stinky again, just be obliviously helpful like you don’t realize it is a joke and treat it like a confession. Respond with something like “Oh I knew someone who struggled like you until they tried this deodorant. Have you tried to exfoliate there? Sometimes diet can affect how we smell. Have you tried cutting out some spicy food out of your diet?” This might let her know that you aren’t disagreeing or treating it like a joke because yes she stinks but you come from a place of solutions and suggestions rather than just judgement. If she gets offended, you didn’t do anything wrong, she brough it up, you kindly responded.
As for the third point. Pay attention how she reacts to other people’s mistakes. If she is just as forgiving towards others as herself, try to appreciate it instead of judging it. Yes she pushed the activity and yes she messed up, perhaps it feels like she is not taking responsibility or accountability for it, however if she is that easy going towards everyone maybe it isn’t a bad thing, after all getting upset at herself, wouldn’t really fix the situation anyway. If however she is only this easy going about herself and judges others harshly, then maybe use this as an opportunity to remind her not to judge others harshly as we all make mistakes and remind her of the time she messed up. Not very nice perhaps, maybe even slightly manipulative, but you aren’t simply shoving it in her face you are doing so while trying to de-escalate her reaction.
Hope this helps, if not, sorry. Like I said it is a hard situation to navigate I tried to offer solutions that were as diplomatic as I could possibly think of. Best of luck!
First off u need to tell people the word NO u don’t need to drive her around u are not a free Uber or her chauffeur.. Second her smelling like BO is in fact her fault (unless she has some rare medical condition). If one of my friends constantly smelt like BO I would just tell them straight up “u smell like BO do u not wear deodorant?” (I’m also a man do this my be different for women)
The driving is the only thing that I can understand. The other reasons have very simple solutions that can be solved with simple communication.
You obviously don’t like her that much and are judging her over things that she might not even be aware of because you haven’t said anything to her face and you have behind her back. Being annoyed at someone is much different than hating somebody.
I’d suggest you either actually talk to her or leave her alone if you’re going to stay annoyed at something you’re not even going to talk to her about to try to resolve. Maybe YOU have a sensitive nose, maybe she thinks YOU are the one who smells bad; I’m only saying this because when people judge others they don’t always realize how it sounds aggressive and rude.
I agree. I think you should start distancing yourself. It will give her the space to think about why you don’t hangout as much and she can reevaluate your friendship together.
Sometimes we stop being friends with people because we grow apart. I’d say a person with bad BO that you have to chauffeur around all the time is just the type. 🤷