A bunch of word vomit but I just have to rant:
36/m and just don’t know what my interests are anymore. I’m consumed by parenthood & marriage and can’t find a sense of self or desire to do anything. I have no strong friendships anymore. I seem to have lost the ability to hold conversations and meet people, which I attribute to lack of interest in anything. What is one to talk about when they got nothing worth talking about? Who wants to hang with someone that does nothing? I feel like I’m just the workhorse of the family and that’s it. Kids 6-8:30am, work 9-5a, kids and wife 5-8p, bedtime 9:30p.
My wife and kids love and appreciate me, but how do I love myself and find a sense of self again? I don’t think this is depression; I think it’s more-so fatigue from the daily grind of keeping my family happy, which is all I have energy to do anymore.
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I would say go all in with work and family and get all the interest, joy and accomplishment you can out of it.
How old are your kids? I’m a bit older than you and when my kids were young, it really did feel like that.
But now that my kids are a bit older, 12 and 9, I’ve been able to carve out some more time for myself. No longer does bedtime take both of us, as the kids can do everything themselves. So my wife and I both have activities that we do on some nights to get out. She had a club and art class, I do soccer and pub night with the guys.
But when they are young, it’s hard to really do stuff for yourself because they are so all consuming. But it does get easier as they get older and those opportunities open back up.
Imagine this but no kids and no wife.
48m here. I feel you on this.
I have kept my relationships as strong as a 40yo can, but i only see a friend or 2 once a month maybe?
My nurse practitioner asked me what i do for fun… i thought long and replied with “nothing” honestly.
It’s so weird. I think the thing that helps me is that I’m a pretty simple guy that doesn’t need much.
What patt of the world do you live?
Krishnamurti is a man that spent his entire life exploring these types of things with people
https://youtu.be/b8Zlc4w0a7M?si=G799P0kbDdl–LMo
You will not have strong friendships in your thirties as a result of many forces outside yourself. There’s nothing wrong with pouring your energy into these things
Talk to your wife and schedule an afternoon every other week to go do your own thing.
Currently contemplating if I want marriage or children for the first time in my life, I always thought a family was my ultimate goal but your thinking is one of the reasons why I’m hesitant. It’s really hard to adjust your personal life once children are involved, as it becomes more difficult to prioritize yourself and your own needs as someone is depending on you.
Don’t have the answers but just wanted to say I feel for you, and hope you find a sense of peace somewhere. Have you talked to your wife about it, or is it something you can bring up? I’m sure not dealing with it alone would help, maybe she’d be more willing to have more independent time where youb guys have explore different hobbies or just have some space for yourselves throughout the day.
Here’s something I learned that society seems to ignore: when you become a husband and father, you still need to maintain an identity as an individual separate from those 2 things. You’re trapped in a world where you don’t know who you are outside of those two things. I’m not saying those aren’t the 2 most important things, but you will be a better husband and father if you find a way to make time to be you.
You also need to find time for you and your wife to have an identity as a couple separate from the kids. Otherwise one day the kids are out of the house and you don’t even know who the person you live with is.
My advice is put time into a hobby or activity. You can bounce around a bit between them. You don’t need a set hobby you invest heavily in. Hell, even if it’s trivia night at the local bar once a week, it’s something to be an individual.
Oh this is dad depression. I had this until my kid was older and gained some independence. When you stop being “cool” you’ll have more free time than you know what to do with.
Before my divorce, I struggled with a similar dilemma. I had absolutely zero time to myself. Any time I got to myself (like when kid was asleep and we both worked from home), she’d be wanting attention from me, or nagged me to do chores.
The only break I ever got was when her family would (begrudgingly) watch the kid, and even then, it was one of those “shopping dates” she and I would do. The only other breaks I got were when I ran errands and she stayed home.
All of that aside, I recommend you both discuss the possibility of having family watch your kid(s) maybe once per week or bi-weekly. In that time, either spend it together on a date of some kind, or maybe give each other a chance to explore a hobby.
Easiest hobbies I can recommend are things like painting or learning a musical instrument. Maybe even gardening and cooking. A musical instrument might not be cheap, so if you’re budget-limited, maybe try a keyboard/piano or something. That way, the more you learn, the more you can teach your kids. Same with painting, which is relatively affordable (watercolor paint sets are around $10, and some books with pre-printed designs are around the same… if you go with acrylic, it’s slightly more for the paints, but still reasonable, and a pack of around 6-8 canvases are only about $15; plus there are plenty of paint-along videos on YouTube).
Gardening and cooking give you a chance to go outside and check on the plants as well as harvest them, go to a hardware store and chat with people, and learn new things as well as share knowledge (and teach your kids). Plus, you’ll be cooking with fresher ingredients. And the better quality of food you eat, the more energy you’ll have.
Hope this helps!
I don’t have a solution, but I do think it’s hard to have the time and energy for other activities after family and work take up so much. FWIW I think a lot of other parents also deal with this… we can probably all remember having the energy to be more interesting and curious than we are right now.
Sounds like you’ve lost your sense of curiosity about anything. Maybe take up reading as a hobby. Read anything that’s interesting. Then when there’s opportunity to talk to people about it, then you have something. Also, learn to accept that people in those conversations are just as much filling time and space as you are. It’s okay to become a quiet person too. Stop worrying about whether people think you’re boring or not.
My recommendation is to carve out some time, could be a little could be a lot depending on your availability for this, and actually discover yourself.
First things could be thinking about what you loved before, what got you passionate about before? Then ask some random questions like if I won the lottery what would I do? If I had one week to myself what would I do? Where would I go on holiday, why?
Basically be curious about the answers and meditate on yourself. What feelings are you pushing down, maybe you need to unleash them.
Relationship need to be strongest with God, wife, and children in that order. That’s how I do it.
I also don’t complain. Do your job and take care of your family. You chose this life. Ffs
I’m going though this too right now. I call it the nesting phase. I’ve come to accept that life moving forward will be nothing like the life I knew in my 20s and early 30s. I try not to look at it as losing my identity, rather gaining a new one that has to be cultivated from scratch. It wont be quick or easy…consider how long it took you to develop your identity as a youth in school, etc. And now your interests and social exposure is a fraction of when you’re young. But it’ll happen, over time, if you want it to.
Welcome to adulthood.
Find something that matters to you, and pour your entire being into it. Make it your purpose, and don’t compromise. That is how.
Don’t get kids people, it’s not going to fill a hole.
I struggled with this for many years. What worked for me was to, well, stop existing. I found something random to do – volunteering for a telephone crisis/suicide service. Gradually, as I got into the training and the work, I realised I was alive again.
What were your interests before you got married or had kids? Did you have any hobbies? Were you going to school for anything? Maybe look back a bit and try out some of the things you did when you were younger and see if they still hold any interest. If not at least you tried something.
The friend thing is harder. I’m blessed being in my 50s and having to juggle friends, but that also comes with being active in interests. I’m in a soccer supporter group and a LEGO group, but I also have trivia friends, karaoke friends, and general hang out/brewery friends. You’ll meet people doing the thing you like to do. They may not all be deep, core friends, but you can build on that.
Again, pick up where you left off when you became a parent. We all did that. We all dropped a hobby or an activity because there was just no time. You put yourself into your family and that’s admirable and proper. But if your kids are older now, time to do your thing. Get back into art or music or car repair or running or leatherwork or whatever you liked doing before. Find communities online, then see if there are communities in your area.
Good luck!
Don’t rule out depression. Check with your doctor (I wish I would have done it sooner myself). I imagine your kids are school age or close to it and at that stage for me and my wife we didn’t see our “old” friends as much but we got close to other parents at the school so offen those are the people you can see and relate to more. But it is a hard time when the kids are that young and doesn’t leave a lot of time and energy for other things. Just know that won’t last as they get older and more independent. But take care of your wife and your marriage too. I always said it was like the airline safety instructions on oxygen masks. You can’t help your kids if you pass out so make sure you are breathing first if you want to help them. But really check with a doctor because this honestly is what depression can look like and medicine could help you feel better and then have the motivation to make the changes you want to make in your life.
i just started watching the Sopranos. i am still in season 1 (so no spoilers please) and Christopher Moltisanti asked this EXACT same question. He didn’t just want to exist, he wanted an “arc” for his life, like in the movies. He was trying to be a screen writer. Do you have a dream or passion like this where you can put yourself into it?
and this show hits a lot harder than i had expected
You are already ahead of the game. You have a wife and kids – and you are providing for them.
On the flip side of things – I’m in my mid 40s (soon to be late 40s) and I don’t have a wife (will have one later this year lol) and don’t have kids. I have time to play basketball, DJ, salsa dance, travel but I always questioned myself about not having kids and a wife sooner. I lack maturity and experience with building a family, something that sounds like you are doing well with.
Since I lack experience with having kids, maybe when they get older your interests will grow as you get them involved with their activities? I know my sister and bro-in law are ALWAYS busy with their new parent friends they met through their daughter’s team sports and social groups.
I’m almost 34, I have a daughter who is almost 3, am married and we have another daughter coming next month.
Maybe this will change when my new daughter comes, but through now:
Embrace being a parent. Maybe this isn’t healthy, maybe it’s not what you want, but the only thing I want to be is a great father. The pain I feel is when I have to work and not be with my daughter. My hobby is giving her the experiences she needs to grow.
The only thing I need to make more time for is exercise. Otherwise, giving her a great childhood is the only thing I really need to do.
Maybe if you can reorient your point of view in that direction it’ll help. Don’t view parenting as a job: it’s your duty to your children, so view that as the thing you need to work towards and continuously improve.
Good luck.
This can be difficult especially because it seems your days are jam packed and your mental and emotional stores are being well used. When I have found myself in similar mindsets, I’ve focused on the small things- what I listen to on the work commute, what t shirt I choose each day, maybe trying a different coffee place, whatever it may be. These things are your choices and can be very powerful and tone setting. Are you into music? Have an extra $30? Maybe pick out a new shirt from your favorite band
A lack of energy, loss of interest in activities… sure ticks a lot of the boxes for depression. If it fits, don’t be afraid of the ‘depression’ label. A lot of men at this stage of their family life will feel this way. I know I’ve sure struggled with this!
For me, what helps is to treat my personal life like something I’m better at: work. If I want more friends, I’ll have to go recruit them, and set recurring appointments with them. Need an activity, I’ll need to schedule it, budget it, evaluate its performance at the end of the quarter. Home environment with low satisfaction: start a v-team to address it. Live in my calendar, use my time wisely.
I found that my family was terrible at supporting me, until I took the first steps. If I was just moping around the house, no matter how well-intentioned their efforts, they couldn’t help. But once I started actually showing interest in things, my family rallied behind me, making sure I had the time and space to do things that would make me happy, and encouraging me to do so.
Not sure how old your kids are but mine are 1&2. I’ve quit playing bar league volleyball and will sub occasionally late night after I put the kids to bed. Yes, I love seeing my friends and keeping a little competitive fire going. But I love putting my kids to bed way more. This is a season of life that is flying by too fast and I accept the demands because i know when it’s gone I will miss it like hell. I know down the road I’ll return to bar league volleyball to many of the same old faces and it will be like I never left. I can’t ever return to my kids at this current age because every day they are getting older and will want less and less to do with me. My advice: embrace this season of life because there is beauty in it. Because one day far too soon you will miss it and want it back.
Have something to look forward to and make a plan. Movie, vacation, new project… it helps me thru the daily grind.
But.
If your kids are little, time goes by super fast and then you’ll miss it. I loved the baby days (not diapers) but the rest of it. Took my daughter everywhere when I did stuff. Little more work, but worth it. We used to dress up, too. Daddy-Daughter Pirate Mayhem Day! Then go ride those stupid stuffed animal scooters at the mall. Now it’s “lame.”
Same lifestyle but different perspective here…
My kids are 6 and 3 and my entire identity revolves around them and their activities and I love it. My old friends moved away so we hardly stay in touch. I used to play video games but now never do. My only moments of peace and quiet are when the kids are in bed. My wife and I coach different sports for our kids, we volunteer at their school for all the events, our weekends are spent finding ways to keep the kids busy, and it’s become our passion to live our youth again through our kids.
It’s temporary and I actually sometimes find myself panicking about the day that they’re grown and then I have to find my own interests again. I’ve fully embraced the family life and each day is such a gift that I get to do this.
You’ll have your time to find yourself again. Maybe just look at it from a different perspective because it’ll be gone before you know it.
It is not depression. Its just life. Count your blessings especially good health.
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Do you feel generally apathetic? Because that is depression in my experience. Checkout the PHQ-9 questionnaire. Maybe do it yourself and then ask your wife what she has noticed regarding your own behavior.
Definitely put effort into making friends. If you’re being honest is there something that you are really unhappy about that you are pushing down or not addressing? Like marriage arguments that haven’t been resolved.
Go to the gym, join a club, buy a dog
Start reading. Not only is it relaxing but you will learn something and/or find a new interest.
You don’t.
This is your life now. “Your” time is your breaks/lunches at work and the commute to/from as well as whatever snatches you can manage at home when you’re not doing whatever needful things need doing.
This is pretty much why I don’t want kids.
Kids are the ultimate sacrifice. Your life is no longer your own. Enjoy your decision and try not to let regrets consume you. Do what other parents do and pretend to love it, until you do. There’s really no other acceptable option, IMO. Some day, the kid(s) will be grown and out of the house, and that is when you’ll get your freedom (and happiness) back.
A number of USA-based studies out there show parents are quite unhappy, until the kid moves out. This really should be common sense, by now. Until that day, it’s work, work, work, all year long. And I honestly do not see the appeal, one bit. My cat and dog give me SOO much love, for a fraction of the responsibility and cost. Meanwhile, kids are a freaking nightmare AND cost upwards of $300k to raise to 18. Easy choice, for me!
You gotta set some time for yourself, man. I felt somewhat similar as I became a dad two years ago and girlfriend was doing a Master’s program. I finally put my foot down and told her, “Listen, I miss hanging out with my friends and doing my hobbies. Moving forward, Fridays at 6pm-till I fall asleep is when I’ll be talking to friends / doing my hobbies.”
You got to set healthy boundaries and do self-care.
Sounds like you’ve just fully settled into the provider role. Just because you’re a dad doesn’t mean that you’re just Dad. You still have to be huttbolelol the silly guy who just swapped out two letters on his username to make a silly joke. Obviously it’s hard with little little kids because they require so much time and attention, but you and your partner have to find ways to maintain not only your relationship with one another but also with yourselves.
You need to consider and test out things you may enjoy as a hobby. Except it needs to be a hobby that doesn’t involve a TV show or video games. Particularly video games, since the dopamine reward system in games will not translate to real life progress. In fact it’s something millions use as a crutch to feel they are ‘doing something’ when they’re really just running in place.
You’ll probably try a bunch of things and find out they don’t work for you. However you may find a few things work well for you and you go deeper into them.
For me it’s tinkering. I like working on cars and things that shoot projectiles like paintball markers. Both have real world communities surrounding them where you can compete or relate with others. All my friends love to golf, but I can’t stand it and it bores me to tears. You’d have to physically cripple me to get me to resort to playing 18 holes on my spare time.
Also you need some time to contemplate these real world activities and what they should be. Tell the wife you need an hour or two of solitude so you can think about it for yourself. Not everyone can be Superman 24/7.
I always believe that even though one has kids and a spouse it is very important to have a hobby whether that hobby is going for a hike walks gaming puzzles something that just disconnected you.
I get what you’re saying and I’ve experienced several people have this feeling you’re not alone that’s the first thing you need to think about it. This is also something you can easily fix. You just have to figure out the main point. If you can, it’s also probably very helpful to talk to a therapist or just talk to anyone on Reddit especially here.
I’ll gladly talk with you about anything and nothing
First, consider some counseling and/or group therapy. Even if it’s just a quick call every couple of weeks with some buddies to catch up.
Second, with young kids your prime-time real estate is your 4-6am block. It sucks at first, but unless someone is sick in the house that block of time in the morning is almost always going to be open. Drag yourself to the gym is my top recommendation, or a walk/run, or getting active outside your house. On your off days, brew a coffee and catch some early hours gaming or reading. Getting the habit going can be tough, but it’s worth it. Eventually as they get older you won’t have to be up as early.
Father as well. Even though it might be hard, crave at minimum one evening a week of “me” time (ideally two). At first you’re just going to is this time to veg out and watch tv. That’s fine, you’re exhausted. After sometime of that find a hobby or revisit a hobby. I started dancing again. It started just one night a week and now it’s two nights a week. My wife and I trade off nights. She gets two and I get two. We do something as a family one night and on weekends. On weekends I get half a day of “house work” basically fixing things that are broken around the house but I actually enjoy these times and use it to catch up on listening to pod cast. This also means I have a long back log of repairs that I may never catch up on until my kids move out. Overall I’m much happier these days. It sounds like your family will support you with this effort. You’re a person too, you just need time to remember that.
I’m certain you’re now aware of the reason behind the numerous instances where we found ourselves seated in front of a television during our childhood.
have you had your hormones checked lately?
could be a low testosterone thing.
Existing is the whole point. Who do you want to be, James Bond? No enemies trying to kill you. No predators and you get to buy your food.
Time to create a five year goal for yourself. Doesn’t have to too specific. Could be reconnect with friends and find hobbies, grow my career to the next level . . . It’s a direction you want to go even if you don’t know how to get there. Over the next five years with that in mind you make lots of small decisions and in my experience you either get there or decide that’s not really the goal but it gives direction. And by having direction you don’t just exist.
I started doing that at 16 and updated it along the way. It was generally vague. Graduate college, get a GF and eventually a wife, have kids, get a job to grow with, buy a house. It served me well. Right now at almost 60 it’s plan to retire and practice retirement when I’m off so I don’t end up as someone who sits and watches TV or at the computer. It helps a lot in my experience and it’s not perfect but I like always having something I’m working towards.
Go to church, put your life in the hands of Jesus.
You need to get to a point where your family isn’t needing you to exist entirely for their happiness. They need to be able to be happy on their own, and a huge part of this will come from your wife. Kids obviously need attention, but you and your wife, as partners, beed to cover for one another. She needs to ensure you have time to be you, just like you need to ensure she needs time to be her. When kids are young, this balance is difficult, so the two of you need to communicate.
You need the space to find and do hobbies you like. Hell, if able, you need to take a small, two or three day vacation to yourself to reset. You sound almost burnt out.
You also should find hobbies you will be passionate about to share, so you can involve your kids and even wife in them. All of your enjoyment can’t be from times away from them. You need to get to a point where family time is enjoyable as well.
Conversations with your wife are important here. You both need to be on the same page, and you both need your space to be individuals.
Its one of the many traps of society. Their are plenty of places and things to do but if you have no interest it is because you are closed off to new things. You are closed to new things because your circle or routine is the very foundation of your family life and like any routine you become bound or addicted to it and opposed to things that will change it. You have to change your routine a lil and ultimately try things even if your not interested for the chance that you love it. Give yourself a way out and remember that whatever you feel like is a result of you.
Have you talked to a psychiatrist? They’re MDs so they can rule out low-hanging physiological fruit that might be the cause: https://youtu.be/UOLB-4MbrSw?si=nnt3KDqKsbe_ZX4j
Otherwise it could be undiagnosed depression. No harm in getting evaluated to make sure.
Talking to a therapist could also be beneficial to really explore what the root might be.
A man needs 3 things in life: something to do, something to love, and something to hope for
Find the one you’re missing and work on that. Might be a time for a change
That is depression / exhaustion my dude.
The sign is losing interest in doing anything for you
I get it. Life is too much. There is no time for you.
I suggest at least once a week you take an hour to yourself during the day to go on a walk and think about it.
Just enjoy nature if possible
it’s important to find a hobby and have a discussion with your wife to have “you” time. We compromised that I can go to the gym 4-5x per week for an hour. She gets to have a mom day on her own once in a while as well.