42f trying to navigate surviving infidelity at least until my sophomore daughter graduates highschool.
My husband 43M cheated a decade ago. He had a year long affair that I only learned about from his affair partners husband. We had just superated as had they and I got a call telling me how shitty my husband was.
We decided to reconcile, did counseling, had a rough year, took about 3 years to feel okay in the relationship. Took 7 years to celebrate an anniversary and feel genuinely happy about it.
Fast forward – New Years eve, hanging out with 3 other couples ( we have a core 4 couples ) everyone is a drinker except me. I decided at 2 am to go back home, husband declined he was drunkingly having to much fun. Apparently he and one of the other wives ended up kissing.
Everyone knew, no one said anything.
I find out 5 months later after mostly being ghosted from the friend group. Lots of one word responses, lots of , can’t hang out, busy etc.
I find out because girl comes to our cottage at 2:30 am and is at the kitchen table talking to my husband and another one of the guys and I wake up and over hear there conversation.
She leaves, I confront my husband and find out. He has no idea what happened new years. Can’t remember anything.
Just knows in January he got drunk again and reached out to her to find out what the hell happened. She started talking about the other affairs she had, turned into sexting and he sent a dick pick.
Her husband saw the convonin real time on her iPad ( she was out of town )
Again he was drunk and doesn’t remember the whole conversation.
I’m not dumb, I’m not naive. I don’t believe the bullshit that he doesn’t remember
He may not remember every detail but he knows.
I called her and told her it sounds like we need to have a chat. Shes blocked me on everything.
I’m shocked her husband didn’t have the courtesy and respect to tell me.
Anyways. The trauma this shit causes is gut wrenching. I don’t think I’ll ever bounce back. I can’t even imagine what’s happened that has been caught.
I want a divorce but have a sophomore daughter and I was her age when my parents split. I do not want to do that to her so how do I survive the next 3 years ?
Comments
disassociate
Don’t teach your daughter that this is okay. If you ride it out you’re only telling her it’s okay to be treated like that because I’m sure she will either know what’s going on right away or learn it from you later on. Teach her that it’s okay to leave and to prioritize your own life and sanity.
That’s twice that you know of. How many other occasions are there that you don’t know about?
Don’t teach your daughter that this is ok. “For the children” is never a good reason to stay with somebody. Leave him.
Leave. Not worth it. Don’t waste your life
Here’s my perspective. It’s not worth it. And it’s interesting I’m going through something similar with my dad (the cheater) wanting my mom to hold off on divorcing him until I can be more able to support myself. In this case, my mom is a housewife so no experience so it would be me supporting us.
Your daughter will notice. Because I noticed. I noticed my mom never wanting to be around my dad/ my dad keeping his distance from my mom or taking more shifts. I was the one who told my mom to divorce my dad because it’s not healthy. It’s not healthy for any of us to be living like we’re roommates and not a family.
Is that the way you want to live? Your daughter is old enough to at least understand the concept of a divorce. You don’t have to tell her why you’re divorcing her dad but she could start getting used to not seeing her parents together anymore.
I understand you want to wait and I respect you for that choice. My mom was similar in that she didn’t want to put me under that stress, but it gets to a point where I didn’t feel comfortable living in that situation anymore. It comes to a point where you might start resenting your husband for putting you in that situation of wanting to divorce him but waiting.
If you get anything from this it’s that you’re free to do what you want. If waiting is what you want then do it but understand you may have to act like a happy couple in front of your daughter. But if you suspect she’ll notice and feel that tension then it’s best to start the process of separation. You don’t want her to think that this is okay. If she sees you staying with her dad after he cheated, she may replicate that behavior in her own love life. You should show her that despite what happened to you, you’re still strong and can move past this maturely.
Best of luck to you OP.
Do you really think her seeing you survive dealing with him longer, is the best option for her?
dropping the relationship, maintaining the marital structure could be an option. You get back out in the dating world as you see fit, when you have time. But not going into the division of assets until after she is an adult, so in theory she could keep her physical space the same until she’s an adult.
That could help you maintain your happiness, that is incredibly important for her to see. More important then seeing her father cheat on her mother and her mother dealing with it. Most women will base their partners off their fathers (if they are straight)
Of course that is if he agrees to the loss of the relationship, and can find an ounce of dedication to his child… If he doesn’t, I think it’s more important she see you happy, you overcoming, your strength and weaknesses, how you heal from being treated terribly.
Your daughter will be ok if you divorce. Keep that in mind. It will be hard, for sure, but she is at an age where she’ll understand.
Your husband is in his 40s and getting drunk and hooking up with other people like he’s 20? Huge 🚩. The fact that he had an affair that lasted FOR A YEAR, says that he is a master liar and manipulator. He will never change, this will happen again. And again.
You’re showing your daughter what’s acceptable treatment from a partner. Your husband is showing her that it’s ok to treat a partner with absolute disrespect. Get tested since he can’t be trusted.
Leave him.
I’m 26 and my parents getting divorced when I was younger was honestly the best choice for our family. It also set a strong example of what I am NOT to take from men just because I feel like I have to. I still have a good relationship with both my parents but I’m honestly so happy they got divorced. My step dad is also great and takes good care of my mom as she’s now handicapped. I’m happy she found him. Having a kid doesn’t mean you have to give up on yourself your own happiness and being an individual.
Ultimately it’s your choice though. Do what feels best for you.
21 F and I wish my mom left. I wish she’d leave now. I wish she left when I was 2, 8, 13, 18, now. If not now, leave after she graduates/has some friends in college. Do not stay forever. I carry so much weight and pain knowing she only stayed for me. It has affected me very poorly in many ways. Good luck, I am so sorry.
My Dad cheated on my mom when I was in High School and I wish they hadn’t tried to stay together until us kids were grown up. It was a very tense, awkward, volatile household and I hated it.
It doesn’t matter when you divorce. Your daughter will feel that. If you do it now, or in 3 years, 10, whatever. It won’t be any easier for her to find out that you stayed with her father and you were miserable, but you “did it for her”. Then it becomes guilt she carries.
And she will notice you are miserable, and “just trying to survive”. Imagine the lesson she will take, and in 20 years, if her husband does this, what she will do.
My parents stayed together for the kids. They were brutally miserable. It was no favor to us. Children would rather be from a broken home than live in one. I’m sorry your parents’ divorce was so hard on you at this age, but you have the opportunity to make sure she’s okay, knowing what your parents did or didn’t do that made it so hard for you.