At a recent family gathering my MIL (who is not allowed to babysit, she knows this and knows why) was talking to my oldest and told my oldest child that we should just take our younger child home so that the youngest could nap and that the oldest child should stay there and the rest of us could all leave. My oldest who is only 4 said “no that’s not safe kids have to stay with their parents”. My kiddo is in a phase of saying that about any undesirable activity its “not safe” or “that’s not a safe activity”. Well today my MIL called my husband and said that my child said “you’re not a safe person” and that’s why she wasn’t allowed to stay there. She then went on to insinuate that we are poisoning our children against her and that we talk negatively about them behind their backs. And complained that she always allowed her children to go to their grandparents house and she hardly knows our youngest child.
The reason she’s not allowed to be around the kids alone you might ask? She has a history of physically abusing her own children and having explosive emotional outbursts.
We have never involved our children in adult matters and would never tell our children anything negative about their grandparents. We have just been quietly protecting our children from these issues. They’re way too young to handle that kind of information. It’s just frustrating that this innocent comment from a child is being twisted in this way.
Is what she doing manipulating my child? Am I overreacting to these comments and follow up from her?
We are currently low contact with them.
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You are not overreacting
First of all, she was trying to manipulate your child because she hoped that he would say yes, and then ask you to let him stay there with her, even though she knows she is not allowed to be with him unsupervised. She was hoping to make you the bad guy in his eyes.
She is also trying to manipulate your husband by twisting your child’s words and hoping to guilt him into allowing her unsupervised time with your children
It seems like you and your husband are on the same page, but I would put my foot down hard and simply restate to her the boundary that she is not allowed unsupervised time with the children
Yes, she is trying to manipulate your child. Tell her, to her face, that she is not, nor will she ever be, allowed to babysit, and that if she keeps trying to manipulate your children, she won’t be allowed to see them at all.
How would I deal with this? Call it like it is.
“You aren’t a safe person. You abused your children and we won’t allow you the opportunity to abuse ours. We don’t talk about you to our four year old but we do talk about being safe and our family rules. Which includes not being alone with you.”
“Yeah? And your point is justnomil?” Wear it OP. Mils cant stand to be told they are correct, when its negative about them. What she said is true, for the most part. Admit it and throw it back in her face. Dont sugarcoat it.
“Well you aren’t safe, including because you were trying to get my daughter to not follow our family’s rules. This behavior from you is just proving our point that you should not be alone with our children. We don’t discuss adult matters with our daughter but I’m not going to pretend like you ARE a safe person when you’re not.”
you need to go NC with MIL to protect your children. MIL is going to continue to manipulate your children. Don’t let her do it.
Your perceptive 4-year-old recognizes a threat when she sees it. Separate her from her parents and sibling? She doesn’t feel safe- and she says so.
I would get DH to say, “Mother, that’s not what was said. LO always makes the same comments about children staying with parents and we encourage that. What I’m more concerned about is the fact that you tried making the suggestion to LO that they should stay with you as opposed to discussing it with that child’s parents first. Please don’t go around our parenting decisions as that shows us we can’t trust you. For the record, no you can’t be with our kids independently is because I remember from first hand experience that your parenting approach conflicts with our own parenting approach so please stop asking”
Sounds like your MIL’s trying to spin a 4-year-old’s safety awareness into a personal attack. You’re not overreacting, she’s gaslighting. Keep shielding your kids and limit contact further if needed.
She is manipulative and even if your kid has actually said that, it would be true, so… what’s her point?
She absolutely tried to manipulate your kid. That wasn’t an innocent suggestion, it was a test. And your 4-year-old passed it better than most adults would.
You’re not overreacting. She just doesn’t like that the cycle of abuse stopped with you, and now she’s grasping at anything to claw control back. Stay low contact. You’re doing everything right.
MIL’s twisting your kid’s words to guilt trip you. Classic manipulation. You’re not overreacting; you’re protecting your kids from a potentially toxic influence. Keep shielding them and maintain those boundaries. Don’t engage with MIL’s dramatics.
“Uh…you’re not a safe person JNMIL. Lol. But for the record I don’t discuss your history of abuse with a 4 year old. You’re so dangerous that a 4 year old can just sense they’re not safe around you. Oh well. Byyyyeeeeee.”
Is probably exactly what I would have said. But I’m mean.
It sounds like she used the words of a child to call out the elephant in the room and paint herself as the victim.
While she completely (and no doubt deliberately) twisted what LO said, she is still not wrong about the sentiment. You don’t think she is a safe person, and your kids are not allowed alone at her house. Based on your previous post, you have been pretty upfront about that with her. Rather than working to improve this perception of her, it sounds like she is constantly trying to find ways to paint you and your husbands as villains who are doing something terrible. So then it’s not about how she needs to deal with her issues. No, the real problem is how you are poisoning a young child against her!
If you choose to engage with her on this, then I would hold with your stated truth – you do not involve young children in adult matters, and would not speak like this to your LO about her. These attempts to draw little children into adult drama by making their innocent comments into an attack on her is exactly the kind of behavior that makes her an untrustworthy adult. And you remain uncomfortable with the kids being unsupervised at her home. If this was an attempt to sway you into feeling otherwise, it has had the opposite intended effect.
Is she guilty much?
She’s going to be one of those grandparents who tells the kid, you’re going to have a sleepover at grandma’s! Or shopping with grandma or anything you’ve already told her no to. Then when kid gets excited you’re going to be the bad guy for saying no to the fun and grandma is once again the victim. Nip that in the bud. She keeps lying to your child, don’t let her talk to them at all.
Well, she kind of told on herself, didn’t she? A safe person would know a 4 year old can’t make that decision. A decision about where children go and what they do is for the parents. She’s absolutely in the wrong, but it sounds like that’s part of the reason your family is LC and visits are supervised. Keep doing what you’re doing.
My IL’s throught we told the kids stuff about them too. Like, no, we don’t talk about you at all. You’re not that important.
It’s absolutely manipulation. She’s trying to make your child think she, MIL, is a safe person and activity. Your child is smarter than MIL, much smarter!
So, MIL’s comment to your child proves that she’s still not a safe person to have around your kids.
Your child was telling no lies, there. You can’t fool dogs and kids.