I 32F and my Husband 30M have been married for a year and some change.
We have had a pretty solid relationship with some bumps in the road, but I am having a hard time forgiving him after a recent fight.
Today, I had a mamogram to look at an existing fibroadenomas (noncancerous lump in breast) that was 2.6 cm 6 months ago today is 3.2 cm. My surgeon was already urging me to get it removed because its larger than 2.5 cm, so with the increase I went ahead and scheduled the surgical consultation for next Monday to get a surgery set up to get it removed.
My husband called me on his way home and was telling me about how he used the news to get home early. I thought that was smart use of bad news. Though, given we were on the topic i decided to talk about the particulars of the surgery.
I was saying how they could do it without a scar by cutting through the areola or whatever its called nipple area. He cut me off and started laughing at me that was the wrong word and that what I said was part of the lung and if a surgeon was cutting near there then I shouldn’t have them as a surgeon. I asked him how to say it then and he didn’t know but an alveola was in the lung. I said I said something with are different start. I looked it up and read it out loud areola. Like air. He said “you just said it with a v twice” to which I said “oh, i didn’t say it with a v”
At this point I thought we were just discussing and he miss heard me. Also I have a pretty strong southern accent so I might have sounded like I said it with a v. I was speaking on the speaker system on my car and I know it’s pretty shit, but I guess to him I was agressive because he said “I am not arguing about this I am hanging up” and hung up on the word up. There was no other conversation that I am leaving out. I was so confused on why he hung up.
I mean I was pretty taken aback. I called him back and asked why he hung up and he said “I told you I wasn’t going to fight so I hung up.” I tried to say we weren’t fighting we just disagreed. He then said “i don’t know what you want me to say” and I got upset and started tearing up “you are acting like I was yelling and I wasn’t “
He then told me “you always do this everytime you are wrong you misremember and deny” and then brought up a conversation from two days ago through text where I thought I gave him my food and he forgot to put it in the fridge. He said he didn’t and I was like “this is how I remember it” we weren’t fighting we even had a “nuhuh” and “uhuh” back in forth in text. He then pulled up the camera footage to show I put it on the counter. This happened 2 days ago.
I mentioned that we haven’t had an argument in almost a year besides that one. Its not fair to say I always do that, it implies I never take fault and have never apologized. He started getting short saying I was putting words in his mouth and I will admit I got upset after I tried to explain thats how it seemed and he said “i didn’t say that” and I said what is it supposed to mean when you say and repeated what he said in an exaggerated voice. He then said “thanks for mocking me” and hung up again.
I then let him know I was going to hotel. That I am more upset than I can put into words and I don’t want to see him.
I am already stressed enough about the fibroadenomas and the impending surgery. I don’t understand why this became a fight and I am having a hard time forgiving him.
He wasn’t emotionally supportive through the entire breast cancer scar, when I found the lump he refused to touch my chest. When I had a double biopsy he wasn’t there and I went and drove home alone (his coworkers told him to go take me home but instead of coming to do that he asked if I needed it because he didn’t want to leave work- and talked to me while i drove home)
Its such a small dumb fight but I think it broke the camals back.
So him starting a fight when I am telling him the details of the surgery just makes me feel like I will have no support if I ever have something serious happen to me.
Like what happens if I get actual cancer? Heart problems?
We are supposed to grow old together but I am not sure I can rely on him anymore.
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Some men (and people) can’t handle scares like this. Honestly, it is better to find out now rather than later. I’m sorry he was such an ass.
This man hates you.
This reminds me of that statistic of men leaving their wives after a cancer diagnosis or something like that.
Just another story about a shitty, unsupportive husband.
There’s no way for anyone on here to teach him how to be empathetic and supportive. Perhaps couples therapy? Wish you the best no matter what!
His coworkers have more empathy than he does
Yikes!
I don’t know. First, are you in counseling? I guess I’d advise couple’s counseling. But his need to argue over a word while you are telling him about something you are clearly nervous about (and affects your health) is really garbage-y of him. It might well be time to reevaluate if he is usually like this, is this how you want the rest of your life to go?
This isn’t a small dump fight. You’re explaining your surgery and he was beyond an AH. My god.. what he did was fing HORRIBLE.
He’s a big fat narcissist. How DARE you be the “center of attention” (to him) with a medical problem!
Starting fights, playing the victim, gaslighting – he’s acting straight from the script.
Sorry you married an asshole.
You’re still VERY young. Do you want to deal with this the rest of your life? I wonder if you remember what it feels like to be with a caring, genuinely good guy. That’s what you deserve. Not attack-mode when you’re scared and need support.
Fucking divorce
Unfortunately it’s not uncommon for men to leave their wives after something challenging like a cancer diagnosis. https://www.reuters.com/article/lifestyle/men-more-likely-than-women-to-leave-partner-with-cancer-idUSTRE5AB0C5/
It sounds like he is very bad at communicating overall. Why on earth would he choose to argue with your pronunciation of a word instead of addressing the fact that you’re facing surgery? Does he often deflect from difficult subjects by trying to make you feel small? That’s shitty and unsupportive.
He has shown you that you cannot count on him to care for you in even minor ways. Find the people you are truly close to and rally them around you as a support network. Can you go to stay with someone? Can you find someone to come with you on your surgery day?
I’m sorry you’re going through this, it sucks and he’s just making it worse.
It’s utterly wild that he started a fight over something he was so confident about…and was also very wrong.
You used the correct word. “Areola.” Yes, that is the skin around the nipple.
“Alveoli” are the sacks in the lungs that exchange oxygen.
The dunning-Krueger. It burns.
Dump him
He sucks
I’m not sure you can either but I will tell you that my 3rd husband does the same thing about yelling. Definitely I raise my voice a bit so I can hear myself and also so he can hear me. I then scream a word to show him that I was not screaming and then he pipes down a bit. Also my husband says I didn’t tell him numerous things but it’s not true. He just chooses not to listen and he gets left out! We have been married 15 years. I think it’s just the struggle between our differences. Mine has also gotten ugly when he b should have been more caring in situations but most of the time he is there as much as he is emotionally able to be. When he’s not, I just call him an asshole and go to the other room!
It’s unfortunately common that you don’t realize you married a man who does not have the emotional maturity to be your rock in hard times until you actually need him to be that for you. It is a shock to your system, especially when you thought he seemed like a good guy otherwise.
It was a second-trimester miscarriage for me. We stayed married, but I have carried both of us through every storm and it’s bone-deep exhausting.
THIS IS EMOTIONAL ABUSE please leave this man. This is horrible and you don’t deserve him you feel feel much happier and at ease without him. hard at first but with a strong community and support system you will prevail.
How nice that he could use your medical situation to get out of work early and then do literally nothing to comfort or help you, instead opting to upset you. This man is not a good partner and frankly, not a good person.
It sounds like he can’t handle bad medical news. To go after you when it’s your breast and surgery on your body is awful. I’d suggest counseling to determine what his problem is and why he can’t be there for you. I’d question if you can rely on him for anything serious. A lot of men leave their wives over breast cancer
Not sure if you have or want kids, but this surgery (through your nipple area) could impact your ability to breast feed. Ask your surgeon.
And your husband is being a jerk. Did he know what you were trying to communicate? Yes. Was this the time or place to police your pronunciation, regardless or whether or not you pronounced it correctly? Absolutely not.
Not sure if you have or want kids, but this surgery (through your nipple area) could impact your ability to breast feed. Ask your surgeon.
And your husband is being a jerk. Did he know what you were trying to communicate? Yes. Was this the time or place to police your pronunciation, regardless or whether or not you pronounced it correctly? Absolutely not.
He hates you and he’s going to leave you if you’re ever truly sick. You can’t rely on him. This marriage needs to come to an end so you can make room in your life for people who will support you and to someday have the chance of finding a better partner. He’s also emotionally abusive.
Read this book and silently get your ducks in a row to divorce him. Don’t discuss it, find a way to leave safely, move out when he’s at work and have a lawyer reach out to him. He isn’t husband material and you can do so much better than this and deserve better.
https://ia801407.us.archive.org/6/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
He’s starting a fight because he wants an easy out. This man hates you and he does not want to be any form of support as you get the care you need. He wants it to be your fault that he leaves
This guy does not like you. Please do not have a child with him, he will treat you like this through pregnancy and birth.
You gave him a moment to show up for you, and he chose to prove you wrong instead. Believe him when he shows you his instincts. If that’s not the marriage you want, you already have your answer.
He’s purposely picking fights. He doesn’t want to stick around if you’ll be sick, so he’s staging an exit, and will blame it on your “arguing”.
Look, the only thing he should have said on the phone with you after hearing the news is, “I’m here to support you. Let me relieve your burden by helping with x, y, and z.”
He made your bad news about himself. He used it to take time off work to, what, help you? Doubt it. He picked a fight with you and made you the bad guy.
Like other redditors have said, this guy doesn’t love you, he probably doesn’t really even care about you, just himself. I’d leave his ass before it gets worse.
If you cannot trust him to take care of you when you are at your most vulnerable, you cannot trust him at all.
What an asshole. Please please take action on this offensive info and ditch this loser.
omg why did you marry this jerk? divorce now
Sounds like you married a man child who doesn’t know how to process emotions and makes serious things that happen to you about him. He is very unsupportive and I would look at organising a different support person! Gees, I had surgery on my butthole 6 months ago that left a big wound, and my husband helped keep it clean as it healed and looked at it whenever I needed him, too.