Throwaway account because my husband I on Reddit and knows my main account.
My husband (34M) and I (32F) have been together for about 7 years. I would say our sex life ebbs and flows like every relationship but I’m realizing more that I want sex more than him and probably a lot more. I’ve noticed when i go long periods without wanting it he hardly ever initiates it. Once in a while he will but we would probably go a few weeks without it if I didn’t push it more. Idk if this is normal?
I know he masterbates and I’ve always been ok with that as long as it doesn’t effect our sex lives. He says he masterbates every 3-4 days and sometimes doesn’t even come. He says he’s just exhausted. We do have a toddler who keeps us busy plus he’s works a full time job. I work part time so I do more around the house but he does a lot to help around the house too and helping with our kid. He sits at a desk all day so he’s not super active which I know can hurt libido but I do try pick up most of the childcare some days after he’s done working for him to go workout at the gym.
I talked to him about maybe if he didn’t watch porn and masterbate he’d want sex with me more but he said that’s not true and it wouldn’t change anything. For some reason I’m kind of having a hard time believing that because I know the more I masterbate the less sex I crave. Idk what to do at this point. Every time I bring it up he seems frustrated and then it gets all weird having sex. I feel like it’s pity sex or he doesn’t actually want to do it. I’ve tried to spice things up like getting lingerie, playing sex games, I give him a lot oral and I’ve even been swallowing which I didn’t like but I know he likes it. I just feel like whatever I do isn’t good enough. We on average do it once a week but to be honest I would like around 3 times a week. I know I can’t force him but I feel like it’s really starting to effect me. Has anybody else been in this situation? What did you end up doing?
Comments
Sex should not feel like a favor or a chore. If you’re always the one trying. It’s time for a serious talk because your needs matter too.
If he thought you were considering other men he would perk up, (literally), it’s built in.
If he’s not working out specifically strength training he’s not going to be as horny. Also have you gained a lot of weight? He may have lost sexual attraction
Obviously he needs to quit masturbating. I think you need to lay down some ultimatum. His behavior is selfish. He is not concerned with your needs and wants.
Could be low test
Classic signs of a porn addiction if he’s refusing sex in favour of watching porn & masturbating. He sounds as though he’s either in denial, or just doesn’t care enough to fix it.
Whilst you can’t force someone to change if they don’t recognise that they have a problem, I do think you need to be honest and frank about how this makes you feel, and push for both individual and couples therapy to address this further.
For me personally, lack of sex to this extent would be a dealbreaker, and it sounds as though it is for you too. I would let him know how serious this is for you. Hopefully that’ll be the push he needs to seek help and/or address the issue.
In a similar situation but reversed, my wife barely ever wants sex, whereas I want it frequently. We’ve been together just over 7 years as well. Sadly I’ve just become accustomed to only once a month and have settled for my own hands
Have you tried getting him to go get his testosterone checked? If he’s tired and has low libido it could be his hormones, unless you truly feel like he’s just not interested in you anymore… he could be embarrassed to not be able to keep up? Idk but you definitely should try to have a long talk!
Editing to add- I know he’s young but you truly never know until you go get some tests done. I wish you the best always
I’m not affiliated with nor get anything out of it, but I listen to a podcast by Vanessa and Xander, I don’t recall the name of the podcast, but it’s about sex in relationships and one of the best tips is putting sex first. Don’t wait for bedtime to have sex. Before you go out or put on television or whatever activity you prefer you should start with intimacy first. If your partner is masturbating, that is healthy until that activity exceeds the amount of sex you’re having when you are desiring more sex.
As a 40M I tend to struggle with the higher desire and also need my partner to initiate more like when we first met. Life gets crazy for everyone and it is impossible for anyone to be perfect, especially when it’s basically impossible to match the same level of desire with someone all of the time we just need a good reset and practice the things that make our relationships stronger.
I’d also recommend throwing on some sexy lingerie and jumping on him or some overtly sexual acts like putting your hands down his pants or whatever it is he likes which might take some experimentation if you haven’t explored it yet.
He shouldn’t masterbate and watch porn having you, but there’s missing information. Are you at your bmi wieght or the heavy end of it, which is still okay? Be honest? Without that information, people shouldn’t be giving advice without all the information that matters.
Masturbating and watching porn can definitely decrease sex. He stops that he might be a beast craving for you. It even increases the intensity.
But also, mental health can be a cause like depression or other mental stuff. Maybe communication is in order. Really telling him what you told us about your feelings and that you expect him to do the same.
As men get older there desire to have sex drops off especially if his not active or anything testosterone falls off rapidly. The cruel twist is as woman get older they want more sex. Men sexually peak in there 20s and start to fall off after that.
He shouldn’t be watching any porn either because anything that is left for you is literally going into porn. Porn is something that commonly destroys a lot of relationships. Especially for men. Once he pops that desire to pop again is pretty much gone.
yeah that would mess with anyone’s confidence. once a week isn’t bad but it’s not enough if your needs aren’t being met. maybe try talking without pressure and see if he’ll open up more.
I would honestly believe him. Exhaustion can indeed really kill someone’s libido.
Have you ever weaponized sex against him? Meaning withheld for spite or out of anger? If so it could be that you conditioned him to take the path of least resistance. Turn him down frequently? That can make a someone not try. I’ve been through that before personally where my partner wasn’t interested for whatever reason so I got conditioned to just handle my needs myself. Everyone wants to wanted but when you are regularly told no you cant help but take it personally… Just like you are feeling now. My suggestion is to use your words and have an adult conversation.
What about watching a blue movie/light porn together – if that’s his thing then he is more likely to have sex with you either during or after “the show”.
dude is tired. give it a rest. you should probably discuss opening up the marriage.
Has he considered therapy or couples counseling?
he might just be tired fr. working full time, parenting, gym, all of that drains energy. sometimes it’s not about desire, it’s just plain exhaustion. it doesn’t mean he’s not into you, his brain just might not be wired for constant drive anymore
Lots of very Reddit-like comments here about porn addiction and excessive masturbating – you think once every 3-4 days is excessive? That’s not even what’s recommended for prostate health, 4-5 ejaculations a week apparently reduces risk of prostrate cancer by about 36%.
Has anyone even suggested that he might be struggling with something before jumping on the bandwagon and saying it’s all his fault? Depression, self hatred, body dysmorphia – all problems men suffer from as well. Could also be a physical issue like low testosterone as some have pointed out. Lay off the guy, reddit.
Linda is this you baby?
post same thing in a few weeks with genders reversed
A big secret I learned from my many forays is that men are not, in general, more sex driven than women. Most men are not crazy sex driven, and once they are comfortable in a relationship its normal to go a week or 2 or 3 without wanting it. My guess is he is on the low end of this and if he is masterbating at all its going to make his sex drive go down even more. He would need to stop masterbating totally to have a drive that matches yours.
Op you’re every man’s dream come true. A wife who always initiates sex what else would a man want. His lack of not wanting the real thing has to do with the following which is his addiction to porn. I was the same way few years ago. Basically porn feels so fulfilling that the physical part doesn’t matter even more. And I can guarantee this that it’s not :-4 times a week or not ejaculating . It’s every day that’s why even with getting head and swallow g he’s still not wanting it basically that’s it . I seriously doubt that it’s low testosterone.
I think what’s happened is the porn is a quick fix. When he’s having loving sex with you, he finds himself fantasying his “go-to” favorite porn videos… sex with you is a lot of work, pleasing another person is not what he wants to do, and it’s not “the porn” he is accustomed to.
—> He prefers the porn. <— Sorry hon…
Testosterone
Watching porn and masturbating 3-4 times a day isn’t considered helpful to your relationship with him. The fact he isn’t interested initiating foreplay or intercourse could be low T if he’s always tired and can’t get enough sleep.
Usually you can tell by how vibrant and sharp he is compared to 6 months ago. Look up the symptoms of low testosterone. If it’s likely he has it is successfully treated everyday by any endocrinologist. Simple blood test is all you do.
He maybe unable to get aroused after 3-4 rounds. He may be afraid of you knowing he can’t ejaculate anymore as he put it “sometimes nothing comes out” and he won’t be a considered your hot lover anymore. This issue can only be resolved with an evaluation.
Start with marriage counseling to get to the bottom of this. If he doesn’t go you should go alone and get some professional perspective and unbiased reasons for his behavior.
How does he find the time for 3-4 experiences a day? Get counseling as I’m not sure he can snap out of this. This has been going on a lot longer than you know.
I wish you the best.