The past 3 weeks my husband (35M) struggled with insomnia. We think the problem was that his sleep meds had a paradoxical effect (they were keeping him awake).
During those 3 weeks, I (42F) supported him by scheduling his dr visits and taking over all the childcare (3 kids: 10, 6, 3) & housework to allow him extra time to attempt to sleep. It’s been exhausting but I’m happy to help esp with a health concern. I also suggested to book him a hotel room but he declined that.
5 nights ago, he stopped taking the medication, used a sound machine, & slept on the couch (we don’t have a guest bed). He slept great.
The part I’m struggling with is that for the past 4 nights he’s asked me to sleep on the couch because he wants the comfortable bed to get his sleep “back on track.” I’m still doing all chores & all childcare from wake-up to bedtime. The couch & room I’m sleeping in aren’t comfortable.
He is leaving for a work trip this week and wants me to stay on the couch until he leaves (so I’d sleep on the couch for 8 nights in a row). During this trip, he’s taking 3 extra days of PTO to vacation while I continue to do all housework & childcare without a break.
One of our kids was sick last night so I was up from 3am helping her. All day he didn’t give me a break even though I’ve had less sleep than him (I requested a break but he broke his promise to give me one) plus I’m on the couch again.
I’m feeling hurt & disrespected that his sleep is much better but he continues to ask me to sleep on the couch, esp since his request has caused me to loose sleep. How do others navigate sleep problems (assuming you usually share a bed)?
TLDR: husband had insomnia so asked me to sleep on couch for 8 nights while he gets his sleep back on track. I’m feeling hurt by the longevity of the request and disrespected that now my sleep is worse but I’m still the one making concessions. How do others navigate sleep problems?
Comments
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We’d like to take this time to remind users that:
We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors
We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.
Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users “friend-zoned”, referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me’s, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.
All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don’t get a free pass.
Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, “body counts” or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.
If you have any questions, please message the mods
This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
I mean, have you said “no, I don’t want to sleep on the couch again for X,y,z reasons”? If so, how did he respond?
Because if you haven’t said anything to him yet, the only advice anyone should give you is “say no, you don’t want to sleep on the couch again” and that seems ridiculously obvious.
This is extremely unfair. If he’s struggling with insomnia that much, your being there or not should be a non-factor. And if it is that much of a factor… HE could be the one sleeping on the couch.
You have every right to be hurt. This isn’t right. He’s being an asshole.
I’m confused, he stopped taking his meds and slept on the couch and had a great night… so then he made you sleep on the couch?
If he did so well out there, why ruin a good thing?
Yeah fuck that, don’t get me wrong sleep is vital, but you shouldn’t and can’t sacrifice yours so he can get his, especially when you’re the main caregiver.
Would you guys be able to get a second bed or something for living room so he can sleep there without his back hurting? Or they have nicer pull-out couches now, but again all of these are for HIM not you, you stay in your bed.
Him getting more sleep shouldn’t come at the cost of you getting little to none. That’s hardly a fair compromise. When I had periods of rough sleep (pregnancy insomnia) I slept on the uncomfortable couch. Can he not sleep on an air mattress instead?
Not only do you deserve some much needed rest and a break, but you are very much in need of a thank you from that man. I hope he has voiced that at the very least. So much love sent to you mama, I see you!❤️
I don’t see how that’s fair to you. Are you a SAHM mom and able to nap while he’s at work? There’s no guarantee this one week arrangement will resolve his insomnia. Then what? If he slept fine on the couch with the sound machine, why can’t he continue?
Both my husband and son have suffered from insomnia at various points. The one thing neither of them did was to make it someone else’s problem. If they couldn’t sleep, they would deal with it the best they could so not everyone’s sleep was disrupted. Your husband sounds like a selfish man. Is this the first instance of it you’ve noticed, or does he regularly prioritize his comfort over yours?
What size bed do you have? When we were in our first apartment I struggled with sleep but that’s because we were in a full size bed (temporarily) and things got much better when we upgraded to a king.
You can say no. Tell your husband he needs to contribute. I know it seems more complicated than that but it’s not. You might fight over it but honestly he’s in the wrong so it’s probably worth the fight for you.
What do house chores and taking care of his own children have to do with his insomnia? Why are you doing everything?
Tell him “no, I’ve been dealing with your insomnia issue and picking up your slack for weeks and have basically been a single parent until you get back from vacation. One in which I will doing everything alone…
You are sleeping on the couch. Great. I don’t sleep well on the couch and I have to also care for our children. So no, the arrangement on the couch is working. It’s not perfect but it’s working.
Im not giving up my comfort of our bed. It’s pretty fucked up that you have asked me after everything I have done and continue to do.”