My blood is boiling. My husband seems to have no urgency at all for timings and deadlines in most aspects of life, I feel like I am a constant time keeper and the mental load of this is crushing. I always feel that I am reminding and suggesting and nagging that we need to be somewhere at X time and have X amount of time left before we need to leave etc.
In all other ways he is an excellent husband and father, he is kind, loving and attentive to me and our little boy who is 4. We split household chores and childcare very evenly and normally I find his more relaxed personality pretty balancing to my ADHD riddled whirlwind rigidly organised with multiple balls in the air for family, personal and career life personality. I am currently 22 weeks pregnant and finding it harder to do the stuff I usually crack on with (chores, cooking, childcare, work) and he has been stepping up for the most part although I don’t feel I can truly take a break and stop doing stuff as otherwise things will get dropped/missed or go undone which with my issues can induce a lot of stress so it’s easier to just struggle through. With this I am becoming increasingly frustrated with his laid back time blind issues, I find it infuriating and almost like a personal insult when I am constantly being time keeper.
We often run late in the mornings to work, run late to events, arrive as our child’s clubs are starting etc with a 4 year old there are elements of being late due to normal child shenanigans but I do feel that my son and I are sometimes waiting around for him to be able to go places. An example is just now when he was meant to be taking our child to a birthday party, he decides to go wash up (we went to the gym this morning) and swimming with our little boy which he did loads of the childcare aspect for so that was great) about 30 minutes before the party, 10 minutes before the party starts he is still in the bathroom and seems to have no haste at all, he argues that it’s just a children’s party so it’s not a big deal if they are 15 minutes late. In the grand scheme of things he’s right, it really isn’t a big deal, but in the whole picture with all the other times that I feel like I’m anxiously waiting to get somewhere on time these small things become a big deal. I hate being late. I feel like it’s rude and embarrassing. It’s probably an anxiety thing linked to my neuro divergency but it does stress me. I probably shouldn’t let it stress me, but it does. I have explained this in the past, but it seems to have no impact.
Like I said, in all other ways, he is an excellent husband and my best friend, I love hanging out with him. He is the most amazing father to our child and I deeply deeply love him. I just also sometimes want to scream at him and shake him, to make him feel like he needs to understand how frustrating I find this. We are good at communicating and I will probably talk to him tonight when I calm down. I’m not sure whether pregnancy hormones are exacerbating this and the frustration of becoming more physically limited during my pregnancy.
I feel a lot of mental load as I have a very time-consuming job, which is hugely mentally stimulating but also easy to burn out in, the hours along and although I love the job, it is physically and mentally demanding. I then do a lot of the organisation of stuff at home including meal prepping our child’s School administration bits, any appointments we need booking, ordering the grocery shop and planning the meals etc. I tend to do this stuff because the ADHD is a bit like a superpower and I can keep multiple balls in the air and I just find it quick to do this stuff. But the pregnancy is definitely taking a toll my brain feels like mush and I’m definitely not keeping up as I usually would. I like doing all of these types of things normally because it gives me things to do and being busy as good as it stops my brain from turning on itself (I have had cognitive behavioural therapy in the past. I do keep up with the exercise exercises. I am very quick to go to my GP if I notice anything amiss with my mental health, my family has history of mental health issues, so I am very careful of this stuff, I am generally a very happy person and enjoy my work and my family life immensely, I’m definitely not on the point of mental fatigue or breakdown just a pissed off pregnant woman) and I like to keep busy.
Sorry this has been a long post and I’m rambling a bit, my point is has anyone else dealt with a chronically laid-back and late partner, who in every other aspect is excellent but this one thing just drives you insane? How did you deal with it? I want to have a calm rational conversation later, and not devolve into any pointless argument, especially because it is his birthday party tomorrow and I know he’s really excited about having it. It’s been awhile since we’ve been able to arrange and afford something like this as we have had a few tricky years where he was in training and changing careers, things are much better now so it’s nice to be able to celebrate, I don’t want to spoil that bye being silly or overreacting over one thing he does wrong when he does everything else so right. 😫
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Does he threaten to be late for what I would call crucial appointments, like doctor or dentist appointments? That’s where I draw a line as far as critical timing and non-critical timing is concerned.
Another possible release from anxiety about such things is to ring ahead and advise the other party that I’m running late, really just as a matter of courtesy. I has to do that the other day, for reasons that were really beyond my control.
I try to be punctual but it’s not alwys possible and you may find that as you get older that it is less and less possible to be that much in control.
I don’t have ADHD but can get anxious about such things and sometimes I feel that I’m just not in control of myself or events in a way that would be reassuring to me. However, PART of the answer to dealing with such matters is to try to realise that it is quite normal to be like this and when life is throwing all hell at you you realise that you have to prioritise and that means other things being done late or even not at all. Obviously, you have to prioritise when others are relying on you.
When it comes to young children’s birthday parties, most parents know how it goes if for no other reason that they find time-keeping a battle too. Most invites usually say something like “about x time”. 15 minutes late is one thing, an hour or two late is disrespectful.
I look after someone who is perpetually late and because of their condition, there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. You just have to be philosophical and resign yourself to these things. If you can somehow find a way to releive yourself from your self-imposed hell , you will find a serenity to be enjoyed, for a while at least.
Maybe you should consider taking a leaf out of your husband’s book and try to relax more when time-keeping is not that crucial.
People with time blindness usually fall into one of the following categories in my experience:
If it were me, I’d do a couple of things:
I’d tell him that you feel like it’s not only disrespectful to you and others but it’s teaching your child a bad habit.
I’d stop waiting for him. If there’s something you need to be to, communicate what time you’re leaving and…leave.
Tell him to look up some strategies for time management. Like…I plan backwards and pad the time too as I have a hard time otherwise. So if I know I need to be somewhere at 10am and it’s 30 min away, I know I need to leave at 9:25. I set an alarm for that. And I know it takes me an hour to get ready so I set it on my calendar for 8:25 and I will get a 15 min reminder in advance so I can wrap up whatever else I’m doing.
I, or my friends/family hit all three of the categories above. My best friend is both 1 and 2. I just stopped waiting for her. I tell her a different time to meet that’s 30 min earlier as she is just always 30 min late. I do that because I love her and I don’t want to end the friendship but her lateness used to impact me weekly. No longer.
My dad is 3. If he says he will be somewhere at noon, you’ll be lucky to see him before 5 unless it’s something HE really wants to do. No sense of urgency and also no sense or caring of the fact that he’s impacting others.
In your example, it’s 15 min late to a kid bday party. Yeah, the world isn’t going to end over that but it’s still rude and means they’re waiting for your kid to show il to do whatever activities leaving how many other kids to be entertained in the meantime. Or maybe it’s even a surprise. Asking little kids to wait 15 min is a lot.
Seriously though…stop letting him impact you and just leave when you need to leave.
Tell your husband he is now in charge of time keeping
Say it in a nice way – like “I’m so tired from this pregnancy. I’m going to leave the timekeeping up to you. Thanks babe. You’re the best.”
You step back. Shut your mouth. Do very little.
Then – LET HIM FAIL – and – KEEP LETTING HIM FAIL – until he feels real consequences. He will try and blame you. He will moan and complain. Let him feel all the stress and disappointment he’s made you feel over the years. – LET HIM RESENT YOU – for putting him in this situation. You stay calm and keep blaming your pregnancy. Your husband must go through the pain and consequences of malignant lateness to change. Don’t give in for a minute. Not only does he need to change he needs to acknowledge verbally to you what a pain in the ass he has been.