Sorry about the length. My husband of 10 years has always gotten along with my family and admits my mom has been nothing but nice over our relationship. My step dad recently passed, and my husband is judging my mom over inheritance related actions she took, calling her greedy and saying he never wants to see her again. Without going into too much detail, he is wrong on these things and refuses to see the facts in order to fit his narrative (no one else in the family shares his opinion).
My mom lives far away and only comes to visit maybe once a year. My husband says that when she does come, he will leave town. Other than that, he said I should go see her on my own, which I’ve been doing. Note that I rarely see my mom. It’s not one of those things where she’s all up in our business. I feel so guilty because I know she won’t live forever and my time with her is limited because of the distance.
We live a pretty isolated life- no family around and a very small social circle that we rarely hang out with. No kids yet (we were trying before this) and the thought of never being able to have my mom in the same room as my husband is terrifying to me, especially with potential children involved. He says I’m always free to see her without him, but this still means that I won’t be able to ever have a holiday, birthday, kids milestone, with everyone together.
I’m already feeling a huge deal of resentment, especially because we unconditionally have his mom over (she stays with us for months at a time) and I can only see this grow overtime as we start a family and my mom can’t be part of these moments. I’ve also started having panic attacks from the arguments resulting from this- he dismisses me and says I’m playing the victim card because I can totally make it work and I’m overreacting.
Sometimes my mom says hi over the phone / birthday wishes/ even sent him a birthday gift, he never responds or say thank you. I feel so lonely. I moved out of state for him and have no close friends. Sometimes I seriously consider leaving but I’m worried it’s a rushed choice.
Before anyone (rightfully) suggests therapy – I agree, but he refuses to go. I threatened divorce if he/we don’t go, and he said that if divorce is what I want, he disagrees but will ultimately accept it.
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Get a divorce obviously.
Fair’s fair. You never want to see his mother ever again. She’s no longer welcome in your home. He can go see her on his own from now on.
Yeah he has isolated you. Go back and live with your mom.
Side note: do not have kids with him, it will be harder to get away.
>We live a pretty isolated life- no family around and a very small social circle that we rarely hang out with.
You’ve been isolated- this is highly concerning, even dangerous.
>No kids yet
Please keep it this way.
You need to leave this guy, and right now.
Honey, what are you doing? RUN. So you moved states to be with him and now he’s trying to totally isolate you? Do you have relationships with any other family members of yours or does he want you solely dependent on HIS family? If a friend came to you with this same exact scenario, give yourself the advice you would give her. Also. Think of how you would feel if you had a daughter and she was in your shoes right now. Please don’t let this man do this to you. He’s not worth it.
Inheritance related actions suggests that he expected money but didn’t get it, is that accurate?
In which case, he’s not refusing to see her because she did something unacceptable to him personally, but because he’s greedy?
If this is the case, I would pack a big suitcase and go visit your mom, and think about whether you really want to be in this marriage.
Girl- the man is systematically isolating you.
Oof. Do not reproduce. Do not pass go. Straight to divorce
You should for sure just get a divorce. He’s isolating you on purpose.
He’s a bully and he’s isolating you. I don’t know what triggered him (I assume he thinks he deserved some money? or he tried to tell your mom what to do?) but he has no right to isolate you from your family (barring done egregious behavior on Mom’s part, which isn’t the story I’m getting). I’m guessing this isn’t the first time he’s shown his controlling/abusive side . Maybe it’s the first time you noticed.
Telling you that you can go have Christmas with Mom while he stays home? Telling you that your mom can never come into your home? How is that going to work
Do not go to therapy with him. Never go to therapy with an abusive partner. You may want to look into getting help for yourself. But first, contact a lawyer and get your ducks in a row. And double down on birth control so you don’t get pregnant.
Do not have children with him until or unless you can resolve this. It’s not right to bring children into a relationship that’s not stable or to deny them a loving grandparent for no reason at all. While he won’t get into therapy, I strongly encourage you to do so on your own, to help with your anxiety and resentment, and to give you support for divorce if that’s what you decide to do. Ask yourself exactly what you’re getting out of this relationship right now that makes you want to stay in it and put up with this behavior from him, especially since you’re the only one that appears willing to address the problems and do some actual work on them.
Leave him
What an entitled mindset from your husband.
Yes, technically, you could make it work – but you shouldn’t have to. He’s a grown man throwing a tantrum over inheritance he has no connections too.
I’d go live with your mother. Spend some time away and see how you feel. Let some space help you decide where to go with this relationship.
I’m so sorry.
He refuses therapy and says if divorce is what you want, he will ultimately accept it. He doesn’t value your relationship enough to fight for it. What does that tell you?
MORE CONTEXT. Inheritance related issues??? You mean Inheritance she got from her partner passing? Inheritance you and him have no claim to?
So hes isolated you from friends etc and now your mum and you don’t see a red flag here. DO NOT have kids with him
Run away to your mum. Get a divorce hes incredibly controlling. You need counselling for you
I would leave if I was in your position. It’s a lot easier without children, do it now.
So many red flags. I would follow up on the ultimatum
Your isolation, his dismissive attitude towards your feelings, and his refusal to go to counseling tell me that the only way forward is to leave.
This relationship has all the earmarks of a relationship that will eventually disintegrate into abuse – emotional at least.
Go home. Do not get pregnant. Go get an IUD.
Better yet tell him your mom is coming-
Have the movers hired- let him leave. Pack up the stuff you want. Go.
The inheritance has nothing to do with him because it is not his family and it is not his family‘s money.
NOT HIS MONEY!!!! NOT HIS FAMILY!!!!
There’s no point of arguing with him. If you flip the script and said “well, I’m mad at how your family has handled inheritance.” He’s going to defend them and tell you that you’re wrong. So don’t waste your breath.
He’s greedy. He’s isolating you. If you get any inheritance, he is going to try and separate it from you by badgering you and making you feel awful. He will keep it up till you just give in to make it stop.
The reddit morons are you focusing on using a trigger word that isn’t even used in the context they think it is lol
You need to be a lot more specific about the $$ thing otherwise no one can give a real answer.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Your husband is isolating you, if it is at all possible keep making the effort to see her regularly without him. Don’t involve him at all, my ex didn’t like my mother and didn’t even bother to hide it, that was a him problem not a me problem. If you love your mother stay in contact with her as much as you can, write to her by snail mail, send postcards and greeting cards, little notes, just for fun, call her on a separate phone if you have to or if he’s making trouble. Don’t let him cut you off, go to therapy by yourself if you can, write a journal for your mother, just jotting down notes about your day and life and send it to her when it’s full. None of this has to be fancy, it’s a good way to keep the bond between you alive without involving your husband. It won’t necessarily be easy but it is doable and none of it needs to cost a lot of money, if you both want to meet up, find a place half way between the two of you, so neither of you has to go so far away, make it work in spite of all the barriers, you only get one mum and if you love her, she’s worth the effort.
Divorce this selfish, inconsiderate and demanding man. He is willing to ban her over inheritance related actions? I guess he wanted money and didn’t get it so he has cut her out of his and Your life too, forever. Divorce this man.
As others have said, he is isolating you and now wants to remove the person closest to you in the world (after him). He’s allowing you to continue to see her for now. But soon after you’re used to that he will make it so you can’t even do that. This type of behavior escalates. And you’re right to be concerned when you have children it will only get even worse. The time to leave is now before those children exist.
Are your parents wealthy? Did he expect more? Did your mom give money to other people but not you two? What exactly did she do to upset him? I kind of wonder if she’s seen a side of your husband you haven’t and she’s trying to keep your money separate from him.
You might want to consider a separation and going to visit your mom separately from him if you can so you can think. I don’t know about your work or if you have financial freedom of your own, but if you can work it, do it.
Key red flags:
-You got married at age 22 to a 28 yo. Why is this a red flag? You have a lot less life experiences and a less perspective of what is normal.
he isolates you and doesn’t support you having a separate social circle.
he prioritizes his wants and needs over yours
now that money is involved, he’s isolating you further. I wonder why.
You’re a lot older than when you got married. Are you happy? Do you feel trapped? Do you have any semblance of self? If your answers are no, yes, no, you need to reconsider this marriage.
Edit to add: I saw you add a comment to a post “is this abuse?” If you have had to ask that question plus write what you did here, yes. It probably is. Read “why does he do that” by Lundy Bancroft.