We met during the beginning of covid when everything was closed, including bars. We’d have some drinks at each other’s house when we saw each other a couple times a week, but I didn’t think too much of it because it was covid; everyone was bored and drinking more than normal (at least in my realm of family/coworkers/friends).
Everything was going great, then the bars opened back up and it took me a few months to realize how much he actually drank. I’m a social drinker myself, but after a few I know how to turn it off and get home/to bed at a reasonable time. I learned he doesn’t have the capacity, once he starts it’s impossible for him to stop.
Few months later I went sober for one of those monthly “challenges” and he decided to do it with me. I was a little surprised because I didn’t ask him to, but we both completed it successfully and it made me feel a little better like he did have his drinking under control. He went right back to it after.
Fast forward a few years and we’re married with a kid, I work full-time and he stays home to take care of them. He doesn’t drink during the day, but at least 2x-3x week he spends several hours drinking, stays up until the early morning around 1x/wk.
Often when he’s hungover he’s just not in the best mood. He takes care of our kid but he’s not playing/taking them out of the house when he’s too tired/hungover. I told him if we were taking them to a daycare and the teachers were acting like that, it would not be tolerated. Again changes for a couple weeks then back to default.
Last week he told me he felt that he didn’t feel like a priority in my life; the kid, dogs and work got most of my time/attention (no sht) and he was feeling neglected. I asked him what more did he want from me; I spend roughly the same amount of time with our kid (morning/after work) and layer 8+ hrs of working and a side project on top of it. I don’t have the luxury of sleeping in, even on weekends, and pulling 14+ hr days has me really burnt out.
I try to plan date nights once a month or so, but we always end up at the bar where he knows everyone or drinking at home while he FaceTimes his friends (never really spends quality 1:1 time with me).
There have been several hail Mary moments from my side, temporary behavior changes that always revert back. The straw breaking the camel’s back was today –
I went out of town for a couple days, came back this afternoon and his mom was watching our kid so he could play in a golf tournament. He’d been drinking (in extreme heat) since 10am, and at about 4:30 texted and wanted me to meet him at a bar with the kid.
I was tired from traveling and didn’t want to, but I hadn’t seen him in a couple days and he needed a ride anyways. We get there, I tell him I’m just really tired from traveling and want a quiet night at home with my family. I didn’t want to cook, didn’t want to do anything, just relax with them.
He ordered a pizza, there was an hour wait so we go home first, and I told him I’d get it.
I didn’t sleep well at all when I was out of town, and told him several times that I was just physically and mentally spent. I’m so tired I’m nearly shaking, so I sneak away to lay in bed for a few minutes until the pizza is ready. Not even 5 minutes later he comes barreling in the bedroom saying “we’re taking the pizza over to (our friends) house!” Without consulting me; without even thinking to ask if I want to go. He invited himself/us over.
They have a 3 kids and whenever we go over me and the other mom just end up wrangling all 4 (including ours) while the guys enjoy themselves. Literally the last thing I wanted to do.
I started tearing up, and I’m like, I just can’t. I asked him why he didn’t ask me, and why he thought it was a good idea when I made it very clear I just wanted to spend time with my own family.
He says “oh well we love them and go all the time!” Which is true but I DID NOT WANT TO DO ANYTHING TODAY. I couldn’t have made it clearer. He’s trying to convince me and I started getting upset, asking him not to go over, but reasoning with a drunk person is impossible so he ends up ubering himself over anyway.
It’s 1am, I’m not asleep because I’m so upset, and he’s still not home. How do I even approach having a conversation about this (tomorrow when he’s sobered up)?
Comments
Please get yourself into a peer support group like AlAnon and start working on an acceptable future for yourself and your kids. You can’t fix him
Why you are together with this guy? Why you married? He is alcoholic, he does not work. Shame on him and you. Get ur things together and find a man.
Alcoholism is such an ugly disease. My 2 best friends are both alcoholics, one is I guess what you would call a functioning alcoholic, he maintains his great job and he’s good mon-Thursday but goes on a 3 day bender every week. The other is at the liquor store every morning as soon as they open, never really been able to hold down a job. Both of their wives go through hell with them, and neither will ever change. No matter how many dwis, PI’s, hit & runs, or trips to the ER because they can’t recover from their binges. I don’t really have much advice, just sorry that you’re having to go through this and wishing the best for you and your family.
Well I’d say you’re at a crossroads. At this point I would give him a choice of either stop drinking or divorce.
Btdt with an alcoholic. Tried to make it work for years. The only way things improved was after I ended it. Whether you can see it or not, your child is being damaged from the neglect and constant emotional upheaval that alcoholism has.
Good luck to you. I hope you can find a solution.
You’re married to an alcoholic. His behavior is not going to change until he realizes he needs help. And there is absolutely nothing you can do to make him stop drinking until he’s ready to do it. What shocks me is that you leave your children with this man who is an alcoholic I would never leave my children alone with him.
You have to have a big, serious conversation with him about this and let him know you’re at the end of your rope.
The biggest problem you’re going to have is everything hinges on his acceptance that he does have a problem, it has to be fixed, and he’s the only one who can fix it.
That’s a really steep hill for alcoholics to climb and, unfortunately, ultimatums aren’t the best mechanism for that.
If he argues or tries to downplay his addiction, you’ll know it’s over and he’s choosing alcohol. Don’t argue with him about it, that just builds more frustration.
Then quietly go to a divorce lawyer and discuss with them the best way to proceed. You do NOT want to raise children with an alcoholic. It teaches children all the wrong things at an early age.
I’m gonna skip over the obvious “why even get married and have a kid if alcohol was already a known problem prior”…
Does he go to AA meetings? Does he even acknowledge that he has a drinking problem? If not, you have a very important choice to make. I’m not sure how you can even trust him to be alone with your child.
I dated an alcoholic too. I tried to convince myself that it wasn’t that bad because at least he didn’t drink every day and he didn’t drink at work. Yea, that’s how low the bar was. I broke it off after 2 years of trying to help him because I couldn’t imagine the rest of my life being like this. Good luck OP