It’s been hot outside I usually cut the grass when he’s not home. Today he was in the bedroom it was about 9:00 a.m. the sun hasn’t gotten extremely high yet and I wanted to get the grass cut before it was too hot. I made him breakfast in bed then went out to cut the grass. I didn’t say anything to him that I was going to cut the grass but he could hear the lawn mower from the bedroom so he came out. He looks at me tells me to turn off the mower and asked me why I didn’t say anything to him about coming out to cutting the grass. He said it’s awkward that I just got up and went to cut the grass without saying anything. I thought it was weird that I needed to tell him I was going to go cut the grass. I told him I didn’t think it’s was wrong and he laughed like really you don’t think anything is wrong with that…I said “no, what the hell? I guess I’m sorry I cut the damn grass” with an attitude and he got even more pissed because I didn’t agree and gave a attitude and it became a yelling match in our back yard. He walks off and says “ok fine I’ll just start doing whatever the hell I wanna do from now on, and treat you the way you do me”. Now I’m so confused and wondering what his intentions are.I honestly didn’t think I needed to tell him, in no way was I trying to start anything by not telling him I’m going to cut the grass. It’s been about 45 minutes and I cooled down and went to tell him sorry and going forward I’ll tell him before doing anything. Anyways now I’m here wondering am I that weird and horrible with communication? Would most of y’all tell your spouse before doing yard work? Would it be an issue if they went to do something around the house/yard without saying something to you first?
Edit: a few people have mentioned me making him breakfast in bed was doing a lot. That’s not something I typically do I do it every once in awhile but this last time was because Father’s Day had just passed and he worked I just wanted to do a little something nice.
Also as far as house chores we both help each other out there’s never been issues as far as that goes, we’ve been together since 2017 this is the second marriage for both of us.
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No, I do not announce when I’m about to do something around the house. Why should I? If he’s in the house too, and wants to know what I’m doing, it would be easy to check that out. Sounds like your husband is controlling you and you just weren’t cooperating. There’s a price to pay when you don’t cooperate. I also do not ever serve him breakfast in bed, scared he would start expecting that. That would be awful
Sounds like he is either extremely ungrateful or he is of the mindset that the yard work is a ‘”Man’s job”. Have you previously done the yard work without saying anything snd if so how did he react?
Talk to him! Ask him to explain his expectations and you, in turn, explain yours. Communication is key!
Hmm. . As someone who likes to just go do things, I don’t necessarily think you’re wrong. It really boils down to who you’re partnered with. My wife, much like your husband, doesn’t enjoy it when I just get up and leave the room to go do something else. Try and have a productive discussion and figure out where he’s coming from.
Isn’t that just because he was annoyed because of the noise when he wanted to just chill in bed?
My husband cut trees/grasses without telling me. And it kind of annoys me too, when I was chilling and suddenly the noise starts. But I’m grateful enough not to say anything.
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Sounds like he felt guilty that he hadn’t done the lawn. While I don’t think you should have to apologize at all, I am familiar with this kind of old school male thinking, and you and I both know it won’t change. Unless it’s a really new relationship, in the interest of peace, just let it go. You can rest easy knowing you’re not wrong, he is being a bonehead.
Or, more fun (and if you think it will be safe for you to tease him a bit), time for some malicious compliance. Announce everything that you do. “Honey, I’m going to dust now.” “Darling, I’m cleaning up after your dinner as well as mine”, “Wake up dear, I just wanted to let you know I’m going to do a load of laundry…. Wake up honey, just fyi, I’m putting away laundry”, “My man, I’m cleaning trash out of the car and then I will take a bag of trash out of the kitchen. All good?” Do it all day because if you’re bringing him breakfast in bed and then getting snapped at, you know he has no idea what you do in a day.
Well communicate
It sounds like he is overly controlling.
You should not have to tell your spouse where you are.
You have every right to walk out and do the lawn. You have the right to walk out and do whatever you want in life.
He’s your partner, not your parent that you ask permission when and where you can go.
No. Not everyone discusses the exact chores they’re doing with their partners.
Probably not. But mostly because it’s better I just do it than get a sarcastic reply about how me saying I’m going to do something isn’t doing something.
Nope.
Have a conversation, ask him why he thought you should tell him that you were going to cut the grass?
My guess, he wanted more than breakfast in bed! And he was just annoyed that you snuck away.
A couple of questions come to mind:
One, there is an eleven year age difference. While not true in all cases, significant age differences are sometimes present in relationships where one partner is controlling. How long have you been together? How old were you when you met?
Two, you made him breakfast in bed then go and cut the grass, which sounds lovely of you, and then he still gets angry. This sounds like he feels entitled at this point to being treated rather well. Is there an equal division of work around the house? Does he expect you to wait on him?
He is being ridiculous. You made him breakfast in bed and mowed the grass. What he should have said was Thank you!
He probably felt like you made him look like a worthless husband because you were cutting the grass and not him.
I think more context is needed. Is this the culminating incident? Has there been other conversations about not communicating? This seems out of left field?
That sounds kinda manipulative ngl. He def in the wrong
OMG, don’t apologize as you didn’t do anything wrong. Tell him to “take it out on you” by doing laundry, cleaning the garage, or washing the dishes. Oh, the pain. Make it stop!
It would be another thing all together, if you left the house. Telling a partner where you’re going in that situation is a common courtesy. However, if you’re only outside working in the yard, that’s over the top controlling.
Whaaaat?! Either he’s a big baby that was just bothered by the noise or he’s resentful that you got up and immediately started being productive and he looks like a lazy princess who just got breakfast in bed. Regardless of his reasons for totally and weirdly overreacting to this situation, HE is the poor communicator not you. He needs to use his big boy words and tell you what this is really about.
This isn’t about the grass. Something deeper is going on.
But also. You’re a lot younger than him… but he may be going through his own Man-opause…
Testosterone dropping. He’s more irritable. Im a bit older than you, but when my hubs was dealing with this, we damn near divorced.
He was irritated. We would argue over frivolous shit, which this is….. I mow the yard. I actually enjoy doing it.
But if you’re having more experiences like this it may be time for a doc visit and some counseling? Im 49 and in perimenopause and that had caused me to be irritable as well…
We are both on HRT to replace the dropping hormones. It has helped greatly! Definitely something to explore.
My guess is he assumed you and he would have a happy ending after you treated him to breakfast in bed. Knowing your thinking had been on a yard chore instead of a romp may be what set him off.
Is he going thru. Men-O-Pause ?
I actually disagree. Why wouldn’t you tell him what you are doing. Like just as conversation? If I was sitting next to my husband and decided I wanted to go to the basement to work out or go and take a bath….yes I would say “Hey, I’m going to take a bath”. I’m not asking for permission just common courtesy. It would be weird if I just walked away without saying anything.
Personally I take pride in caring for my home and my partner, I completely understand where you are coming from. You weren’t trying to cause tension, you were simply trying to be thoughtful and proactive. You even made him breakfast in bed, that is love and effort.
That said, I have also learned that sometimes what seems small to us can feel big to our partner. For many men, especially traditional ones, taking care of the yard is tied to their sense of responsibility or masculinity. So when you went out and did it without a word, it may have felt like you were stepping into his role, not out of kindness, but out of frustration or to make a point, even if that wasn’t your intention at all.
You are not horrible at communciation, you just have different assumptions about what needs to be said. I think what matters most now is that you cooled down, reflected, and willing to talk it through. That humility and willingness to learn is everything in a marriage. A qucik “Next time I will let you know, I just wanted to help” goes a long way.
You aren’t weird at all, you are a woman trying to love her husband and keep a peaceful home. You both saw the situation from different angles, and that is okay. Keep communicating, not perfectly, just lovingly.
This is a tiny piece of a much larger issue. Yes, you can tell him you feel like heading out and cutting the grass before it gets too hot. That would be a normal level of communication. I’ve dealt with women like you who don’t feel the need to communicate with a man. I limit my level of commitment and reduce my communication as well.
Say what’s in the room. You’re not asking permission. You’re not trying to get him to do something. You’re just talking about what’s on your mind.
This isn’t about cutting the grass.
The truth is, we don’t know what it was about because neither of you asked or offered what were the feelings behind it. This is not about someone being right or wrong. This is about your husband being hurt that he didn’t know that you were going to mow the grass until he heard it happening. The question is – why was he hurt? What did that action communicate to him? What did this trigger?
There is no right and wrong here – your husband’s feelings are real, so having the conversation was a good step. But it never got past the I-have-feelings-and-I-don’t-know-what-to-do-with-them stage. He came out and fired his raw feelings out of a canon at you, with no explanation of where they were coming from. And, to be fair, maybe he doesn’t know. But you stepped on something and a bomb went off.
Which is why “I will tell you before I do something” isn’t a solution. You are going after the wrong problem. The trigger is still there, as is the fuel underneath it.
This is still very fixable. You just need to backtrack, acknowledge that his feelings are real, and see if you can start a conversation about what this set off inside him. Why did this make him feel so bad?
This is not a script, but just to put an example into words to illustrate this:
>Me running out and cutting the grass clearly made you feel bad, and I apologize for that. I was trying to do something to help you, but I can see that it didn’t come off that way. I want to do this better.
>Can you talk some more about what this felt like for you? Did this mess up something you had planned? Did this make you feel like I thought you weren’t capable of cutting the grass or sluffing it off? Are there other times recently when you have felt the same thing?
Yes, communication is part of the issue here – but there needs to be some improvement on both your parts. I am getting the sense that you really love and respect each other, but this is one of those unexpected blowups that seems to come from nowhere.
To work more on this, you might pick up the book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert by Dr. John Gottman.
It is used as a workbook by many marriage counselors. Dr. Gottman runs the Relationship Research Institute in the Psychology Department at the University of Washington. He has brought couples into his lab for 40 years to study how they act with each other, and then track the course of their relationship. The point is, his findings on what works and what doesn’t are based actual data. Many couples have found this book enormously helpful.