There’s a lot of history so trying to keep it short but to the full effect will be hard.
Married 12yrs, together for 22yrs, we have 3 amazing kids and on the whole, a happy marriage and a great family life.
Never had the greatest relationship with my mil since the first few months I started dating her only son and she accused me of trying to get my feet under the table after I accidentally left a bathrobe hanging on the back of the bathroom door.
Anyway….lots of to and froing between her and I and also between her and me/ my husband over the years, one major fallout about 15 years ago, long story but she basically tried to overrule and ignore all the basic childcare instructions I had left on the 1st time she’d ever had my son overnight and he ended up nearly falling down the stairs and climbed out his cot into a room with powertools all over the floor (we didn’t know they were there and my husband didn’t think to check the room on drop off as didn’t think necessary) Many other child related instances which has led to me struggling to maintain more than a civil relationship with her.
Fast forward 10 years and she’s back and forth from the Caribbean, no fixed address in the UK so when she returns every 3/4 months she stays with various family (who each have interestingly never offered again) or last couple of times, she’s rented a room from a spare room website. Whilst she’s here, she comes to our house a handful of times to supposedly see the kids, despite staying less than 20 mins away. Rest of the time, she’s in the room and my husband visits her.
We live in a 4 bed house; each bedroom is used by our 3 kids and us. We have no spare space. 1st child doing alevels, 2nd child at primary and 3rd is a toddler: we have a busy house and day to day routine. Weekends are sports, activities etc. Husband works extremely long hours, is rarely home before kids bedtime etc, I’m home parenting alone most of the week. My days are filled looking after my toddler, baby groups, parks etc etc
3 weeks ago I hear him on the phone making arrangements for when she comes to the UK, offering for her to stay at our house. He has not mentioned, discussed, sought my opinion on this before suggesting this to his mother. He then does not mention anything to me, I’ve been waiting to see how long it takes: today he decides to bring it up.
He basically says she’s coming to stay – that’s it – no further information. He doesn’t know how long for; he hasn’t clarified that with her, it could be a week, could be the whole 3/4 months. He doesn’t know where she will sleep (as there’s no bed free) but thinks probably the sofa. He has no real details to share with me other than the date she arrives – which is in 10 days time.
I am so hurt that he has made this big decision without talking to me first. I know he would have been hesitant to bring it up as he knows this is not something I want to happen. I find her extremely difficult to talk to, we have no common ground, she is socially awkward so it’s just all round difficult being around her at the best of times. She doesn’t really know the kids as she’s been out the country most of their lives so she’s not the most maternal or grandmotherly.
My concern is that my husband is never home so it will fall on me to deal with her, she doesn’t have friends in the Uk so when she’s here, she is basically just hanging around as she doesn’t have anything to do. I will be the one having to cook clean etc for her. The impact on my life will be immense whereas it will have no real bearing on my husbands as he’s never here.
My husband has a fiercely protective attitude towards his mum, she brought him up alone etc etc and my attempt to speak to him and convey my concerns worries etc are met with arguments and silent treatment. My main point being that a) he’s known about this for weeks and not said a word then tried to lie and say he only found out she was coming a few days ago, b) that if he had attempted to speak to me, I would have been more open to her staying a short fixed amount of time, but this open ended invitation is causing me real stress and anxiety c) that if she’s here for 3/4 months that is going to put a real strain on our marriage and I will feel resentment towards him for putting me in this situation.
I am aware this is his mum, she’s family etc but she has the funds to rent somewhere, he just doesn’t want her to so she can save money. My argument with that is, if she can’t afford to come for 3/4 months then she shouldn’t stay here that long. I also don’t understand why she would book a flight without having a confirmed place to stay.
AITAH for not wanting to share my home
Comments
NTA
Tell him you’d never disrespect him like this anf you’re not allowing her to move in.
Doesn’t your title tell you everything you need to know. He has no respect for you. It’s the whole ask for forgiveness later situation..
NTA
Ask your mother to come visit and make sure she there’s a week before is mother is set to arrive.
What do you mean by he is never home? He has a house guest for the next 3 to 4 months! He needs to do all of the cooking, cleaning and hosting for his houseguest. NOT YOU.
I wouldn’t cook or clean for her. And I would completely ignore her. Stick to your routine.
NTA- husband knows this was wrong or he would have told you sooner. Let him know that you will not be cooking, cleaning or doing anything for her and that will be up to him to host her as you were not consulted. Also make it clear that your kids will be keeping their rooms- he probably expects she will take over one of their bedrooms. I would also demand a date she will be leaving or let him know she will only be welcome x days. After that, they can worry about alternative housing or her going home. Follow through and do nothing for her. If she complains, let her know that her son is her host and will be cooking for her and entertaining her. Continue on with your normal life while she is there.
No problem.
When mil comes to town take toddler into your bed and husband gets the sofa.
You do nothing else different. You keep your schedule just as it is.
You cook what you cook and serve as you normally do. After kitchen is closed.
Provide her with WiFi and uber , a bus schedule and clean towels. That is it.
And act surprised when she shows up
Don’t pick her up
Book a family cruise for you and the kids. Let him see how mommies visits will go when he doesn’t verify with you and the kids. Or book a singles cruise and leave his mom to be a free babysitter for him while you enjoy her visit on a boat with no cell service
I would probably ask him what his plans are in terms of entertaining, cooking for her etc. I wouldn’t do anything extra
NTA. Give back the energy ten-fold. Surely you know how to make her extremely uncomfortable. Do absolutely NOTHING for her. If she wants to use a car, he can give up his. Do NOT make this easy on either of them.
NTA.
Don’t change your routine for her.
Don’t invite her on your regular outings.
Don’t cook special meals for her: she can have whatever you’ve made for the kids.
Don’t clean up after her.
Don’t do any of her laundry.
If she’s sleeping on the sofa, and you or the kids need the living room, too bad.
Put a lock on your bedroom door and use a wedge when you are in the room.
First time she does something that isn’t a part of your normal routine, call her out on it. After a few times of being called out, she will probably find a room somewhere coming available.
Your husband made this situation happen, he can handle her 100%.
NTA. I would tell him “no”. She can’t stay with you and your kids. He will need to make other arrangements. End of story.
My stepfather did this to my mom. The difference being, my mom and her MIL got along. But my stepfather’s mom needed a lot. She was on a low-cholesterol, low-sodium diet. And other things, because of her age and health.
My mom told my stepfather that he had to take care of his mom. He rarely cooked anything normally. So, cooking for his mom made him mad
Her trip was shortened from 2 months to 3 weeks and he never did it again.
So what’s the legality on the house? Is it premarital? 50/50? Rented?
Leave before she gets there. Let him have a week on his own. Really, this is separation worthy. I’m surprised you let it get this far.
NTA tell him no or give him a date (she can stay X days and that’s it). Don’t let her into your house without an end date and a ticket to prove it- it will only cause you problems. Your husband lied to you for weeks and tried to guilt you now that it’s a little over a week away to pressure you into giving in.
I don’t care if she raised him on her own, he doesn’t get to let her come into your house and make you uncomfortable. If he argues tell him he and his mother can stay somewhere else while she is “visiting”. Hold your ground. Good luck!
Wow your husband is a mommas boy. Can you stay with family during this time? He can take care of mommy
Wait till she’s gone and then invite your parents over to sleep on the sofa and don’t tell him anything about it. Don’t tell him how long or any of that Just do what he did
I would be going to stay with my parents with the kids or renting an AIRBNB. He can take care of his mommy
NTA. He doesn’t get to obligate you to host her, especially when he’s not even home most of the week, and you’ll be doing it alone.
It’s your house too, and guests are a two yes, one no situation, even for short visits. Moving someone in for three to four months against your will is absolutely unacceptable. It’s divorce-worthy unacceptable.
Tell him that there is no way this won’t end in a huge argument and possibly a divorce. Is he willing to damage or even destroy his marriage and family life over his mother with whom even he has been no contact at some point?
Ask him why he would even think about allowing this. He may have a motive that makes sense in his head, but he has to know this is a disaster waiting to happen.
Oh God no NTA. What is husband thinking??? He’s got to know that he just created an entire fucking job for you. Christ. Tell him if he wants mom to save money he can rent a place for her. But you’re not his mother’s caregiver.
Hmm. I good this isn’t an ai post. Otherwise o wasted my time.
Honestly just grey rock her.
Add extra food to the meals, but otherwise do not engage with her in any way. His mum, his mess.
Go about your day exactly as though she isn’t there. If she arcs up, “Your son invited you, he is responsible for entertaining you. I have children to raise and a household to run”.
If she makes mess, put it all in a pile next to where she’s sleeping. If she screams, tell her your toddler is better behaved than she is and as such deserves a reward so you’re taking them out, and leave so she’s there having a shitfit on her own.
If hubby has a problem “You didn’t ask me to help, you didn’t ask me to engage with her. You invited her here, you are responsible for her”.
Grey rock the shit out of her.
NTA. You know what your husband should’ve done. Your feelings should’ve mattered.
I think you should tell him that you knew she was coming, and why, and that you know how long he waited to tell you. You should tell him that since he is not the one taking care of things at home, he shouldn’t have made that decision without consulting you.
I agree that it is important to figure out the maximum amount of time that you are comfortable with her being in your home, communicate that to your husband, and clarify to your husband that you will not be cooking and cleaning for her. Or, if you can come up with some ways that she can contribute to the household while she is there, you can communicate those to her when she gets to you.
I’m sorry that you have to deal with this.
Time to start having all of your mommy friends come visit daily with their cherubs. Make your home noisy and chaotic while she visits. She will exit quickly and you don’t have to argue about her coming for a visit. NTA
She did have a confirmed place to stay. She confirmed it with your husband. So, you have a marital problem. You have to decide what to do about it. And once she is there, don’t count on being able to get her to cut it short. I would be moving home to my family, and filing for a legal separation.
House guests are a two yeses one no situation. Period.
It seems like you’re mainly mad that you didn’t get to control the situation and you’re holding a grudge from something in the past. Put her to work when she’s there, have her help with the kids, cook, clean. I’m sure your kids will be happy grandma is coming to stay with them. Why not put a cot in one of the kid’s rooms or put two kids in one room?
ESH.
You have known for 3 weeks that she is coming to stay in your home but you did exactly the same thing that your husband did and decided not to talk about it. That’s on both of you.
You need to tell your husband that you are going to call his mother and ask her how long she intends to stay with you if he won’t ask her. You might also want to tell him that she will need to actually contribute to things like cleaning and cooking while there.
Set out your expectations now. She might actually want to be helpful. And if you can cope with her presence after a week you can get an inflatable bed for the living room. If you can’t you can get the little children to put rocks under the sofa cushions.
NTA. Spend your days exactly as you do now. Don’t to anything extra. Ask her to help. She can surely wash a dish and clean up after herself. Be neutral. Don’t go out of your way to be salty or fake. Just live. Leave her messes, if she won’t clean it. Let your husband tell her to clean up after herself. Have conversations as if she was not there. Look up “grey rock” or “yellow rock”. The less you show that it’s getting under your skin, the more of your personal power you can keep for yourself. Don’t let the resentment own you. Be gentle with yourself. You’ll definitely have feelings, it’s what you do with them that is the important part. Sending mojo.
None of the responses given so far are going to make your life any easier or do much other than worsen your relationship with her and make your marriage a mess. I don’t think any of your children should have to give up their rooms for her, but trying otherwise to be pleasant to her might actually improve your relationship with her, and it’s possible she will welcome the chance to spend time with your kids and get to know them better. You can certainly have a long discussion with your husband about his lack of respect for you, but going on a campaign of resentment for three or four months is not going to improve your life.
A lot of ppl are saying to just ignore the lady but Idk because it’s not her fault her dumb son did this without asking you, in her mind your happy and excited for her to come over. This is a husband problem and he needs the consequences of this more than the mom.
I’d take a vacation with my kids for the duration m…he can take care of her
Updateme!
You have every right to say NO! It’s your home too. Plus he’s not going to be around so all the responsibilities will be left to you. Tell him no and give him the reasons. If he still insists, tell him to go find a place to live and take his mother with him. If not, you don’t have to be nice to her. She doesn’t like the meal you prepared, tell her she can go make her own meal; if she gives you unsolicited advice, just say to her “did I ask for your advice?” Also, “I don’t care what you have to say”. Why be civil when all she does is disrespect you in your own home and constantly puts you down. Go about your day. If you’re taking your kid to a sport, I wouldn’t even bother taking her with you or tell her you’re leaving. Oh yeah, put cameras all throughout your home because God knows if she’ll be snooping through your things. I wouldn’t even bother telling SO since he doesn’t bother giving you a head’s up on her coming.
Seriously ladies, there are options and you shouldn’t feel guilty or bad for having a crappy relationship with your MILS becauseit’snot your fault. Stand up for yourselves and tell your partner NO to having their mothers over for more than a week. Speak up!
NTA I would find and book and Airbnb for her and tell him if she’s not staying there than you will be. This was incredibly unfair of him to unilaterally make this decision. It will absolutely throw off the balance of the household, upset the children, and add so much stress to your marriage.
With no bedroom for her she will be underfoot constantly. Your children are not at an age where they can be thrown out of their room for days, let alone weeks or months, on end. I can’t believe your MIL even wants this. Everyone needs their own private space and quiet time.
I would absolutely choose this as my hill to die on. Your husband is being ridiculous and of course he can be because he will be at work and you will be left home to deal with the chaos.
NTA
Your husband keeps siding with his mother against you.
He’s rather upset and inconvenience you than say no.
Your husband did not consult you, so do not consult him.
Inform him that you have rented a cottage where either you and the kids stay, or he and his mother stays, that will be extended for the duration of his mother’s visit. It is up to him to host his mother. You will not sleep under the same roof as a husband who keeps siding against you, or with his mother who disrespects you. Tell him to let you know when she is gone.
If he chooses to permanently move his mother in, then the separation will become permanent.
Trauma bonding with a single mother who sacrifices for his son is common. But when that mother actively damages his marriage or controls him, it is not a healthy relationship.
Act, and inform. Stop asking him to be a better man to you. If he wanted to, he would.
If she has no friends, nor family that is interested in her staying with them, and she has no relationship with her grandchildren—why is she even coming to the UK? It makes no sense!
NTA. You don’t just have a MIL problem; you have a mama’s boy problem. If she is there 3/4 months, is there any place you and the kids can go? It’ bad to have to leave home but better that than living around MIL. Let hubby take care of his mommy, since he didn’t even talk it over with you, she’s, his guest. Plus, he lied about it when he told you. At least now you really know where you stand with him. Behind mommy, he puts her needs and wants before you and the kid.
NTA, and definitely don’t clean up after her that’s ridiculous. I mean, if you’re already making dinner for your kids, then she can eat with whatever you’re cooking. But absolutely do not cater to her. She can do her own laundry . if she wants to go places and do things tell her she’ll have to wait for your husband to get home and take her. Can you plan a little getaway with your children and go somewhere for a few days? Leave her there alone and let your husband deal with it.
Wow, the prior situation id be worried about letting my children around her while unsupervised. This situation of your husband gracing the floor his mom walks on sounds exactly like my ex (his mom has epilepsy so I think he was growing up being told his mom could have died carrying him).
The longer you let things slide like mom coming to visit with no end date they will get worse. Though I am unsure if there is legal ground for you to kick her out if both your husband and yourself is on the mortgage. Not sure of your state but uninvited guest may get muddy.
No she is not. This is a 2 yes one no situation.
Maybe you need to go visit your mom while his mom is here.
You are nta, he is. His behavior is way out of line. Ask him how he would feel if the roles were reversed? I don’t see an easy resolution for you because it takes a long time for a mama’s boy to develop a spine while he is still tied to her umbilical cord.
You say you have a happy marriage and family life. Your husband was so rude in this situation and he didn’t have your back or even consult you, in fact he hid it from you until the last minute. Then tells you she is coming, that’s it no discussion. The level of disrespect your husband is showing you is appalling. You are going to be so resentful and mad and tired and upset if she ends up staying for months. I hope you have a discussion with him and figure this out before she comes to stay with you having no end date on when she’s leaving is a red flag too. I’m sorry that you are saddled with all this responsibility keeping your household going and taking care of the kids and your husband is totally utterly disrespecting you. I’m so mad at him and I don’t even know him.
NTA. He did this on purpose.
I would tell him he better find a place for him and his mother to live because neither of them is welcome in your home.
Every time she has a question about anything, tell her to call him at work. Ignore her as much as possible. Buy groceries for and only make her least favorite foods. Take the kids out to eat without her. Make her his problem.
Your husband is an ass. Theres really nothing else to say other than that. When you get married, your wife comes first- if your mother causes issues with your relationship, then you as her son should squash that immediately. With everything youve presented, your husband is a spineless mama’s boy who doesnt care about inconveniencing you if it will make his mom happy and he doesnt defend you against her even if shes the instigator. That man is a child
NTA, just tell him she cannot stay. If he can make a decision without your input you can overrule it. Just say no.
Updateme
> I am so hurt
Wrong emotion. You should be PISSED.