My husband is a DJ, it’s actually how we met through my best friend. He loves to perform and be the center of attention. At the beginning of my relationship his drive to take every single opportunity to play- he’d jump to play at house parties and basically anywhere that asked- and it caused a lot of feelings in me that I was just a back up plan to have for his own comfort. He used to put more stock in what his friends thought of him before he even considered how it would affect me, and truthfully he really only put stock in what his friends said.
Fast forward to these past 2 years he’s apologized for not putting me first and he has been making an effort. I do really appreciate and see the work he’s put in. He has made a better effort in validating my feelings and listening when the matter doesn’t directly involve him. Which I understand it is hard to just listen and not react when it comes to someone telling you you aren’t doing good enough, no one likes being critiqued. I feel like I have done the work to prove I can be spoken to about how I’m making him feel instead of flipping it around on him, which it was very hard for him to let me show him my growth.
Last year we played in a live setting for the first time together. It was sloppy and my music didn’t even match the vibe he had brought. I told him that for the next one I want to make it special and have a story or something we tell through music. I really only picked up DJing as a way to bond with my husband. I’ve even said this to him in our marriage counseling sessions.
Fast forward to today when I told him I’m feeling overwhelmed because I have not been able to put a playlist together and it’s making me feel really insecure that he’s been telling me he’s just going to use music he’s already put on a flash drive and that he knows hes going to be fine. I told him that that doesn’t make me feel great that he is only thinking of himself and that I have asked repeatedly that I want to actually come together and put together something special that we both put together. He fired back that he can’t find the music for me or hand hold me forever- it’s not even what I’m asking for, I know I have to collect my own tracks to DJ I’m not stupid or that dense. He also told me we have very recently played together and when I asked when he couldn’t even give me an answer because I don’t even remember the last time we actually played music together. The only person I’ve practiced DJing with is my best friend. He is treating me like every person he’s mentored in the scene instead of his wife that wants to bond and show that bond to people because I do love him and want to show it through music as it’s how we even came together originally.
I watch him put together incredibly special sets as his main persona so like why can’t I receive the same energy from him when I ask for us to do that together. I feel like I’m begging for scraps and shouldn’t even tried in the first place. It’s clear he doesn’t give a shit about anything other than playing by himself and now I feel like a fool for continuing to try to make him see that I don’t want to do it alone and want to experience it with him and not alone.
tl;dr husband is making me feel like he only wants to have the center of attention and doesn’t want to share it or make me feel like i’m not begging for scraps of attention from him.
Comments
Find other ways to bond with him outside of DJing. Stop going to his shows or treating DJing as something to do together. Treat it like his job — he is going to the office. Find your own hobbies, or a job with similar hours.
I think getting into your spouse’s profession as a means of bonding is… ill advised at best. To me, this either says you’re so codependent that it seems like a good idea (not what I think is going on here) or you have so little opportunities to bond with your husband that you’re desperate enough to try “work with him” (what I think is going on here).
If you can’t bond with your husband outside of his job, the relationship probably isn’t working. I don’t think even improving this pursuit is good idea. Seek other ways to spend quality time together.
Artists can be very narcissistic and self-involved. You chose to participate because you hoped it would bring you closer, but instead yes using it as a way to belittle you. I would consider whether this is something you want to do with him. What’s the point of all he does is act superior? And finally, DJing is not that big of a deal, and not something that makes him so special. It should be fun and light, not pompous and serious.
It’s not a shared goal. It’s your goal.