Am I overreacting? Please give me advice.
Trying to keep this as short as I can. My husband and I have been together 7 years, married for 3. His in laws have been terrible to me. Yes there’s been SOME good times. But it’s like 96% bad, 4% good. They have genuinely tried to make my life hell at times. I try to keep the peace and respect that’s his family and such. I don’t want stupid drama but man they start it out of the littlest of ways. His grandmother is dying from her dementia which is very sad regardless if the family likes me or not. I do feel very heartbroken for him. I was going to go up with him with our 2 kids (5 and 1). We are driving, 14 hours. I was just gonna be quiet and keep to myself. But I sent a very innocent message, 1 that my oldest starts kindergarten soon and bits of information most grandmas would like to know + letting her know we are still waiting for his pass to be approved by his command (my husband is in the army). I was met with nothing but snarky texts and attitude. Oh how stupid I was to think just for a moment there could be kindness and peace. Can’t even put that shit aside for a dying grandmother. Mother in laws gotta love em right 🤣 My anxiety is so damn high now. All I can think of is I’m gonna be treated like dogshit the 10 days I’m there. I called my stepmom, she was out with my Nana. Two of the wisest women I’ve known, perfect. They both told me I should stay behind and let him go and support him over the phone while he’s there and love on him when he’s back. My Nana did this when my Grandpas mom died (my Nana had issues with her in laws too cause they didn’t like she was a foreigner. She understands some of what I’m going through). My stepmom told me if anything I’d be respecting grandmas wishes cause she probably wouldn’t want me there. I want to do this. It means peace for me. Especially when I’m going through a multitude of health issues and will have surgery as soon as I’m back, scheduled for August 8. I told him this and he’s upset because he wants me there to support him. I don’t know if I’ll be the asshole or not and could use some thoughts from you, friendly strangers.
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14 hours in a car seat cannot be good for little ones.
Absolutely not. I get you want to support him and yes I understand that your husband wants your support but considering it’s HIS family that can’t be civil for a funeral, I don’t see the need to sacrifice yourself and be his meat shield.
Edited to add: I agree with your stepmom as well, you would also be honoring his grandmas last wish by not showing up.
The kids and your wellbeing come first. This is not a good situation for them to be in and you won’t be able to support him anyway as you’ll be chasing small people around. Stay home.
How has your husband addressed their behavior? If he wants you there, he needs to deal with his relatives and create a non-hostile environment for you. He, lets his family continue to demean and disrespect you, then he doesn’t have your in-person support. (Lack of) actions have consequences.
NOR Could you go and get a vrbo near where the funeral will be held so you and the children can be there for him. Your children are too young to attend a funeral service and would probably not be happy to be stuck with a bunch of people mourning grandmas passing after the funeral.
With all respect for your husbands sad situation, I agree with your step mother and nana. Losing a grandparent is hard but it’s also the natural way of things and almost everyone goes through it. He will be supported by his own mother and extended family while he’s away.
He wants you to support him, but it sounds like he hasn’t been fully supporting you in this situation. If he isn’t calling them out and setting boundaries, I don’t think you need to go to the funeral. That said, if you do travel with him, just stay with your kids at the hotel and don’t see his family at all. Both of your children are too young for a funeral, in my family’s customs anyway.
Someone dying is not a reason to let yourself get treated like crap!
You have a 5 year old and a 1 year old whom your husband wants to drive 14 hours by car. You have a ‘multitude of health issues’. You have surgery scheduled within the next 3 weeks. Your spouse’s family treats you poorly and he is not stepping in to shut that down.
Turn this around and tell me – if I were asking you for advice, what would you tell me?
You would tell me to stay home. Even if you take away pieces of that story, you still need to stay home. Just the 14 hour drive with a 1 year old is enough. Just the disrespect without him being willing to step in. Just your health problems.
Of course your husband wants you to go. He wants support that will not cost him anything. He has nothing to lose by you going. Except, of course, your respect for him, which he has not seemed to realize.
You have everything to lose here. You will be stressed the whole time, even without his family treating you like crap. If the shoe were in the other foot, would he be willing to primarily be the person dealing with kids in the car that long, tolerate your family’s disrespect, and go along through health struggles? I’m kind of guessing not.
My husband is at his sister’s today and I did not go. I told him 3 years ago that I don’t feel safe there and he argued with me about why I’m wrong to not feel safe there.. So I don’t go anymore. I don’t go to anything with his family outside of Christmas. He will not stand up for me and I’m done dealing with them.
Here’s what your husband really needs to hear, though. It’s not just that I don’t go with him to his sister’s. It’s that I have lost all respect for him because he would rather be comfortable than look out for me. I can’t see him the same way ever again and our relationship will never be the same. Does he want to lose you like that? Because he will, over time, if he doesn’t get it together and put you above them.