TL/DR: My (33F) husband (34M) has a friend (31m) who doesn’t like me. It’s been made obvious over the years. He talks bad about me behind my back, he isn’t nice to my face either- not even trying to “fake it”. It doesn’t bother me. Not everyone is going to like everyone. As I’ve gotten older that has become easier to accept. He has never given me a reason why he doesn’t but from what I have heard him say about me he doesn’t like that my husband no longer is out at parties with him, or free to golf / play hockey On a whim. My husband and I have 3 kids under 4- our life is busy. Husband’s friend has no kids and a young girlfriend.
I would prefer my husband cut ties with this friend, I don’t know why he needs to have someone in his life who bashes me. He doesn’t think it’s a big deal. I am feeling upset about it. Should I drop this conversation ? Does it warrant a further conversation?
Comments
This is not a friend issue. This is a husband issue. Why is your husband not backing you up? Why is he not ACTIVELY doing anything about this?
Not everyone is supposed to like you, but talking bad behind someone is bad behaviour, and your husband should’ve shut it down before it escalated.
I feel like it’s best to just let it lie, as these friendships will solve themselves over time. You have kids, a life, and are busy. He’ll likely disappear as time goes on.
However, I’d ask what kinda shit talking he partakes in behind your back? Is it horrendous and your husband should stand up for you, or simple shit that should roll off your shoulders?
This is a husband problem.
Why does your husband think it’s ok to be friends with someone who openly criticizes his wife, and is rude to his wife? Doesn’t that make you wonder what he also says about you? He obviously isn’t defending you or he wouldn’t keep hanging out with someone who kept doing it. He doesn’t think someone being mean to you and taking crap about you is a “big deal”? Sounds like he agrees with the guy and talks bad about you as well, and that’s prob why the friend keeps disliking you and feels comfortable insulting you.
You have a husband problem. His friend can not like you, but when your husband lets him speak negatively about or to you, he needs to shut it down. By not doing so he is prioritizing his relationship with his friend over you. His values his friend more than you. I think you need to have another firm discussion with him and set clear and rigid boundaries: If his friend talks negatively about you, your husband tells him to stop disrespecting his wife and mother to his children. If the friend continues, “I asked you to stop. If you don’t stop, I will walk away from this interaction and I will be limiting our time together.” If he still continues, “I’ve asked you more than once to stop disrespecting my wife. I value you in my life more than you. Your continued disrespect has made me question my desire to have you in my life. Friends should support each other. My wife has done nothing to deserve your hate. I can not and will not be friends with someone who treats someone I love and care about like this.” And then he follows through. If he doesn’t, you need therapy to understand why you feel you need to put up with such disrespect from both men.
One should not, as a rule, police others’ friendships. That being said, I can see why you’re hurt. You don’t have to like my partner, but you gotta respect him to my face.
Is this man actively rude to your face while your husband is present? What does your husband say when he’s mean to you?
Your husband needs to stick up for you and check his friend. Let him know how you feel to see what his response is. If someone, let alone a “friend” said that about my wife I’d be livid.
This is a problem with your husband. No way should he tolerate somebody bad mouthing his wife.
Yeah there’s a few problems with this.
For one thing, a couple should be a team and have each other’s backs. It’s poor behavior on your husband’s part to allow someone to speak badly of you at all, let alone for years.
Secondly, if your understanding of the friend’s reasoning is accurate, then the friend is actually bashing your husband’s lifestyle choices. He chose you, he chose to have kids with you, he chose this life.
This “friend” is being extremely disrespectful of both of you, and very immature in how he’s handling his feelings of jealousy over your husband’s time.
It’s time to have a serious talk with your husband, and for your husband to have a serious talk with his friend. If the friend cannot be respectful to both of you, he should not be in your lives.
Jeez, how hard is to say “Dude, will you STFU already about my wife?”
Your husband needs to be backing you up. His friend can’t accept that he’s no longer 22.
My husband doesn’t like all my friends. That’s perfectly OK with me. He’s akwats polite and civil to them, and I doubt any of them know he doesn’t like them. I’ve told him that’s all that’s required. I wouldn’t tolerate him being openly rude to my friends, and vice versa.
The friend should not be taking his feelings out as hostility towards you. Your husband has agency, he’s choosing time with family over friends. But he should also be enforcing boundaries. I would not tolerate my friends making my husband uncomfortable, and he wouldn’t tolerate his friends making me uncomfortable.
unless you’re not a good partner to your husband, it’s not normal for his friend to speak about you like this. and it’s maybe more concerning that your husband doesn’t tell him off
The biggest problem is your husband. He should not be allowing this man to disrespect his wife and treat her poorly in your own home. Your home is your safe space. You don’t need someone treating you that way in your own home. If this guy can’t hold his tongue and be cordial and respectful when he comes over, then he shouldn’t be allowed over. And the more your husband allows it, the worse it will get because that gives him the green light that it’s okay or he agrees. You and your husband have kids now, your life is different and this guy needs to understand that.
One of my best friends had a real jerk of a husband. But I never once was shitty to him because even though I didn’t like him, I was still respectful of him and their marriage and the fact that he lived there. I didn’t wanna make things harder on my friend by causing problems between them. And that is what your husband‘s friend is trying to do. He’s trying to put a wedge between you so that he can get his friend back! He’s clearly immature and your husband needs to put a stop to this.
He simply needs to say- Friend, OP is my wife. You may not like that I am no longer available to hang out at the drop of a hat, but that is not her fault. We are married now and we have children. That means that our life is very different than it was when we were single. I need to be present for my wife and my children. If you can’t respect my wife, family and my marriage, then I can’t have you in my home. The way you treat my wife in OUR home is unacceptable and disrespectful to not only my wife, but to me.
My boyfriend had a long time, friend who I happen to meet him through. She set us up and we hit it off. We are still together 20+ years later. But about a year into our relationship, her own relationship went south and then was mad that he wasn’t available to come over and do various house projects for her at the drop of a hat. Eventually, she started treating me like crap and we had a falling out. I did not care that. He continued his friendship with her, I was not at all threatened. She then decided that she didn’t like him dating me anymore and started bashing me in his house when I wasn’t there. I suspected she was doing it, and I had asked him and he confirmed that that was true. I got pretty upset with him and told him that he needs to shut that down and tell her that she either quits talking about me or doesn’t come over.
I had come over after work one day and happen to catch her there. We got into a huge screaming match where she threatened to beat me up. Which is pretty hilarious because not only did I not back down, I told her to being it and threatened her back. I think she saw the rage in my eyes, and decided that would be a bad idea and she grabbed her kid and left, never to be seen again. But I had a long talk with him after she left and told him that allowing her go on like that was unacceptable.
If someone talked about my spouse that way they’d quickly be an ex-friend. Spousal loyalty has to come first.
Wait what ?! Your husband sounds like a jerk how does he not stick up for you? How does he allow a friend to disrespect you? That’s like disrespecting him that’s how I see it. You guys are a couple one where does he think that this is OK I hope that you show him the same kind of energy. I don’t like you, but you don’t like me right in front of your husband. I would call him out but I’m a New Yorker so we’re we’re tough and wouldn’t put up with that nonsense not one bit. He either needs to grow some balls or you need to grow them for him, but I wouldn’t let this guy around my children. My energy whatever because energy is felt and the children feel it too, and if the children see that this guy doesn’t respect you and doesn’t, their father doesn’t do anything then they’re gonna grow up treating women in the same manner
My husband would drop any friend who talked shit about me so fast you would think lightning struck.
Your husband clearly is painting you like the bad guy and is not doing anything about it.
Deff an issue with your husband. Does this show up in any other ways?
>He doesn’t think it’s a big deal. I am feeling upset about it. Should I drop this conversation ? Does it warrant a further conversation?
I think your husband being ok with his friend trash talking you is a huge deal.
He knows he’s married to you, right? That whole partnership, having each other’s back, looking out for one another?
You should feel very valid being upset that your husband is choosing this dude’s feelings over your own. Disrespect to you is disrespect towards your marriage, which he doesn’t think is a big deal.
That sounds like something you two should be on the same page about.
2 problems here. First is your husband not putting you first and allowing this, second why does this guy hate you? Does he have a thing for you and or your husband? Does he resent he found a wife? Does he resent his friend can’t go out and do things together because he is married?
All sorts of possibilities but the main issue is your husband allowing it and why. Red flags galore.
The husband should be telling the friend to stop making negative remarks about you. Having such young kids and needing time to spend with the family, the friend needs to find someone else instead of badgering you when he doesn’t get to have fun with your husband.
Why is your husband friends with someone who talks bad about you?
Why does your husband tolerate this? It doesn’t make him look like a good guy.
Your husband sucks for keeping in contact with this friend. There are so many reasons that him keeping this friend is problematic.
He on some level agrees or sympathizes with the friend that YOU are keeping him from hanging out, since his friend thinking that clearly doesn’t bother him.
He does not care that someone is treating you poorly. Especially someone who is HIS friend.
He feels 0 need to defend you or stand up for you.
His friend may be an ass but your husband is the one allowing another man to disrespect his wife. Your husband is the one with the worse problem
So this “friend” talks poorly about you in front of your husband and your husband doesn’t do anything about it? Does tell him to stop, cut it out, that he’s wrong, or to shut up?
Yeah, you have a husband problem. He should be shutting that BS down immediately.
I’d ask your husband why he allows that kind of disrespect towards you in the first place. Saying “because I don’t think it’s a big deal” isn’t an answer. It is a big deal. Does he agree with his friend?
Do you want to bang him or something? No? So why do you care? Ignore this mofo. 100% there will be people who like you and don’t. Both of you just need to accept it and move on. You don’t need to do anything with that man, nor does he with you.
Now your husband can also grow a spine and tell him “look man, that’s my wife and you need to stfu if you want to still hang out with me. She ain’t bothering you and minding her own business, so why can’t you”.
Tell your husband how you feel and that you don’t appreciate his friend saying bad about you, hopefully your husband has some brains to get it. But in my view, ignore and not worth wasting your time on the friend. He’s a nobody to you.
The idea your husband doesn’t just pick up and defend you…or that he doesn’t realize this guy is a threat to your marriage who will constantly try to poison him against you and make him want the “good old days” is crazy to me.
He’s a bad friend if he doesn’t do everything he can to support his friend’s marriage and family.
Your husband is the problem he is actively choosing to be in a friendship with somebody who is openly unpleasant and rude to you which makes me question if your husband might love but not like you. And that is a much bigger problem.
When I first started dating my wife 30yrs ago, I was initially sharing an apartment with my sister. One of my friends took it upon himself to try and warn my gf (now wife) away (through some sort of loyalty to my sister). I binned the mate, straightened it out with my sister and eventually married my gf.
Op – you don’t have a husbands friend problem, you have a husband problem. He needs to step up to the plate.