Like will shame me and tell me I want to be single and free. But then will go master bate to bikinis try on type videos. We just went to beach on Labor Day and I wore a one piece because i didn’t feel like fighting, then today lo and behold found the video in the browser. Didn’t even bother to clean his toy. Like I watch porn, but this feels off. I feel a little sick and I’m not sure if I’m overreacting. I’d like to point out that I’ve been a swimmer my entire life. Swimsuit of all kinds are like not a big deal. I’m just confused do I have a right to be upset?
Update: thanks guys. I’m not spiraling anymore, not upset but feel grounded validated. I’m adding it to my list of daily reminders as to why I’m on my way out. I’m not going to fight with him I’m silently dettaching. send me light.
Comments
Yes, you have a right to be upset. I’m sorry, but this doesn’t sound like a healthy marriage at all to me. He sounds incredibly controlling. Controlling what you wear is within the sphere of abusive behaviour.
This situation sounds depressing. I’m sorry you’re in this mess.
Husband has a Madonna/whore complex. He thinks his opinion is WAY more important than yours.
No, this is not normal behavior. If he’s jerking it to women in bikinis, that means it’s not the bikini he has the problem with. He has a problem with you wearing it because he’s insecure and thinks if the right guy comes along and finds you attractive that you might leave him for someone better. Which is probably something to consider because this is pretty manipulative behavior.
Tell him if he can’t stfu that he will be single and free. Literally, what a weird thing to fixate on. (his fixation on your clothing, not you).
What the fuck
The sooner you leave, the sooner you can get on doing what you want. Go where you want, eat what you want, wear what you want. It is amazing when you get away from a controlling man how much more you value and appreciate your independence and yourself.
I highly recommend reading “Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men” by Lundy Bancroft. It can really help free you from all the self-blame that keeps you trapped in a relationship like this. He isn’t going to change. He truly feels entitled to treat you the way that he treats you.
To use the book well I recommend going through it and highlighting anything that sounds like something in your relationship. And then do it again the next day. And the next. At the end of a week of doing this review how much you have highlighted. It’ll be a lot more than you thought.
You don’t deserve to be treated this way. You didn’t do anything to deserve being treated this way. And he is never going to change.
The longer you take to get out of this, the longer your happy, confident, truly loved life has to wait for you.
Um. Yeah, you have a right to be upset. You also have a right to leave his bum ass. He sounds absolutely disgusting and not worth any of your time or love. I recommend leaving him.
Yes, I would be upset. He’s sexualizing bikinis in what I would consider a less than normal way, and that is leading him to think that when YOU wear a bikini it is also sexual in that way.
Have you tried getting really upset if he doesn’t wear a super skimpy speedo?
I’m not suggesting this is problem solve, I just think boyo needs to shift his focus a bit. To his bits. And whether he’s packaging them correctly for you.
So you married an asshole…
You’re a human being with feelings. You always have a right to your feelings.
Does he have a right to shame you for wearing a bathing suit that makes him have to confront his tastes in porn and reconcile the fact that not all women who wear bikinis are porn stars? No.
As a husband, your husband is mental..
Here’s a married boomer male opinion. Just the title alone is sufficient. You don’t need the rest of the post to paint him in a bad light. He’s already there. So, why are you married to this person? If you really want to be married to him, then counseling is a must.
He views you, and other women, as objects. He’s not mature enough to be in any sort of relationship.
“Like will shame me and tell me I want to be single and free.”
“But then will go master bate to bikinis try on type videos.”
These aren’t opposing statements. He sees the bikini as pornographic, so he doesn’t want other people to see you in a bikini. IMO it’s controlling and weird.
Shaming you for your clothing is not normal. It’s a bikini. You absolutely have the right to be upset
Your husband is simply trying to control you. You should make him seek therapy or leave.
This whole thing is wild 😅
Who jerks off to bikini videos when the internet has actual naked girls… anyway regardless of his hypocrisy yall don’t seem to be super compatible. Like your comfort level with how your significant other dresses is a main principle to be on the same page with each other… Surely this was brought up at some point prior to getting married?
Don’t feel embarrassed for being a normal human with normal human problems.
Change is scary. People stay in bad situations (jobs, friends, financial, relationships, religions, etc) because the unknown is often scarier than the crappy but known.
Like, assuming from that you’ve written, you’re not struggling horrible financially if you stay – but you’re going to have to leave the state (maybe) if you leave this man. That’s no small change. It is scary. And there’s no guarantee it will be better if leave, at least from a holistic perspective. Life might be, overall, harder.
On the other hand, you might discover life is way better once you’re free.
So take a chance on the life you don’t know or stay in the one you know you don’t like.
He is treating you like an object, not a person. Do you ever leave the house and do stuff without him present? Besides errands.
Men who try to control women’s bodies need to be single.
Given that he thinks the opposite of being with him is being “free” his conception of your relationship seems poor
Your husband is a jackass. And screw him… wear what the fuck you like if he doesn’t like it, he can kick rocks.
Uhm….divorce?
My 2cents here. I’m married Male 25. I would not let my wife wear bikinis unless it’s some private in door place. She respects this decision and knows why I wouldn’t like her wearing bikinis. He is not being an asshole he loves you and does not want any man to stare you down. The world has turned into a bad place, your man cares about you and loves you.
Are you guys from a religious background by chance? This sounds so similar to my (pick and choose which aspects he wanted to follow) ex….
Yup, your husband is telling you you want to be single.
You should listen.
You should watch the movie A Marriage Story… it’s fascinating and may give you some ideas on how to get out and stick to yourself and your guns about following your heart and what you want. All the best!
With my snarky sense of humor I’d have taken him to a nudist optional beach. No more bikini, problem solved.
He sounds jealous, hypocritical and miserable.
This is so weird. Bikinis are not sexual at all. It’s something everyone wears at the beach or when swimming, sunbathing or going into anything like a sauna or jacuzzi etc.
Being controlled and told what to wear is a red flag anyway let alone being married to the red flag.
Wearing a bikini isn’t single behaviour but stopping you doing it whilst masturbating to others In the bikini is even worse.
Because he’s got a fetish for bikinis does not mean you’re not allowed to wear one in public. He’s just assuming other men are gonna be the same and see you then same way he sees them.
If anything, if he’s sexually attracted to people in bikinis it’s extremely weird that you can’t be his focus at the beach but instead he can watch all the other women?
Terrible relationship 😭
> Like will shame me and tell me I want to be single and free. But then will go masturbate to bikini try-on type videos.
That’s the problem right here, he equates being (mostly) naked with being sexual! I’m guessing you’re from America or some other country with deep-rooted religious-puritanical principles. If you grow up being taught that exposed skin is always sexual, that women have to cover up because men are animals, and to go crazy when you see a nipple on a boob, then that’s exactly what happens, men become animals and want to control their women, hide them from the other animals.
You’re not overreacting. His double standard is controlling and hypocritical. Feeling upset is valid, so trust your instincts and protect your peace.
Silently detaching is the worst thing you can do. Just fucking leave if you are going to do that bullshit. Either fight for your marriage or GTFO. None of this silent withdrawal bullshit.
Sounds like he can’t handle other men thinking of you the same way he thinks about women in bikinis… wishing you speed and luck girl as you get out of there x
I hope you’re able to leave this situation soon ❤️🩹
Meanwhile, my husband is telling me nothing is stopping me from wearing whatever the hell I want.
Your husband is just insecure and maybe needs therapy or marriage counseling to figure out why.
Edit: I see now in the comments that you are on your way out. Good luck, and good for you. <3