TL;DR
I’m 32 weeks pregnant and had a huge fight with my husband. He’s normally very caring, but I feel overwhelmed with chores, pain, and baby prep. He works long hours and doesn’t notice or help enough with cleaning or organizing, even though I made a home management binder he’s never opened. When things piled up this weekend, I broke down, got upset, and he got so frustrated he even punched the fridge (something he’s never done before). Now I feel heartbroken, hurt, and unsure how to move past this or extend an olive branch.
I F27 and my husband M27 have just gotten into a huge fight. I have a lot of thoughts and feelings but I believe I’m in the wrong but I can’t get past certain comments made during the conversation. My husband and I have been married for 3 years together for 9 years. We’ve had our share of spats but I’m currently 32 weeks pregnant and it’s become apparent that I CANNOT do chores the way I used to do. Both my SIL are throwing a “sibling shower” where it’s just them and it’ll be next weekend. But as mentioned before I am too big and pregnant to do chores to have company over. Now my husband is not an asshole or a terrible person by any means. He’s ALWAYS there for me when I need him, never misses a doctors appointment, helps me in and out of the car, opens doors for me. He’s a complete gentlemen. BUT this fight has kind of surfaced some issues I didn’t realize were bothering me so much. My husband work incredibly long hours, for context he and I leave for work at the same time but he comes home at 8:30pm whereas I come home at 5pm. I tutor on the side as well which adds to the pregnancy exhaustion but I still come home earlier than him even after my second job. He comes home, walks the dogs, cooks dinner and I’ll clean the dishes in the morning. On the weekends it’s usually me that ends up doing all the cleaning and laundry while he does his meal prep. Which I’m very understanding with and I don’t make an issue out of. But this weekend I just felt something in me just break. It’ was so sudden but I just felt so much rage and resentment that this motherfucker works Saturday’s and I have SO MUCH TO GET READY for this baby shower I don’t even care for. I’m in so much pain and miserable. At this point it’s Friday evening and I have a breakdown when he tells me he’s going to be late. I don’t let him know of the breakdown and he even sends me money to DoorDash some food since he won’t be able to make any. I force myself to get it together because he really does care it’s just not the way I want it at the moment. The next day (Saturday), I wake him super happy to get his birthday month started with a bang and he is just not sharing the same enthusiasm. But he goes along with it and we go to Starbucks/Target and VS since I want to make him his favorite treat, cake pops!, as well as get some quick errands done. We also go to the grocery store and head home. Throughout the pregnancy I’ve experienced sciatica and it’s fucking brutal. If you’ve never experienced raw nerve pain consider yourself lucky. Because we walked so much it started acting up but I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it so I just paused in the kitchen. My husband immediately noticed something was wrong and urged me to take a bath with a new bath products he bought me (but I chose). I told him no because I NEED to get the kitchen cleaned but he insisted he’d do it and to go take my bath. I did and although it did nothing for my sciatica at least I felt refreshed. He helped me get out because I’m basically handicapped at this point and I asked him if he could put the towels I just used in the washing machine. He said he doubt they’d fit since it was so full. I replied that if it was so full then why didn’t he think of running it????? The clothes are already in there is it so hard to add the detergent and press the button????? He said he didn’t think of that and when I get dressed and out of the bath, the kitchen hasn’t been cleaned. He said he was going to do it but that he sat on the couch and decided to wait for me to get out to start. At this point I’m having trouble keeping my composure. He then begins vacuuming and I just lose it. I didn’t want to start an argument but I told him I’d rather he not do anything. I’d just do it myself. Then he asked what he did wrong!????? WRONG?!!!! WRIONG!!!!!!? What’s WRONG is the fact that the kitchen counters haven’t been cleaned in 3 months!!!! The kitchen table still has gifts and decorations from the FIRST BABY SHOWER AND YOU HAVENT MOVED FHEM!!!!!! And then you decide to VACUUM?!!!! Cleaned is supposed to be done top to bottom so the vacuuming happens at the end! While I think all this I don’t say it at this point in time. He decided to just lay down in the spare bedroom until I calm down. Which doesn’t happen. I end up voicing all my thoughts to him and he gets so upset he punches the fridge. Which he’s never done in the 10 years we’ve known each other. So I call him out and ask wtf was that? He said he doesn’t want to yell at me but he’s feeling incredibly frustrated. But I just don’t care. I’m so done at this point. So I tell him I’m upset that he couldn’t take this Saturday off to help me with cleaning. Not even a fucking half day. He said he doesn’t understand why it’s so important. And then I start telling him how he won’t work on the baby room, how he’s done nothing to financially contribute to the baby’s items. I’ve bought and sourced and thrifted everything in our house with the exception of the bed which he bought. And I’m just so tired of it all. As kind and loving as he is he makes me feel so upset. But then comes the finishing blow. He said how was he supposed to know how to clean? And I said it’s in our “home management binder”, it’s laminated and every weekly, monthly chore is outlined as well as everything he could ever have a question about for the house. I have our insurance policies, contractor information, EVERYTHING. I talk about this binder all the time and he says he’s never opened it ONCE. So for the 3 years we’ve had this house he hasn’t opened this binder once. And idk why this hurt so bad. I truly don’t understand. But I feel like all these years I’ve poured my soul into loving him and trying to make him feel taken care of and he doesn’t get it. It’s like we’re speaking two languages. I can’t bear to look at him. I haven’t even spoken to him since we got into the fight. He’s been sick so we’ve been sleeping in separate bedrooms. He’s made lame attempts to reach out but I can’t look at him. I feel so heartbroken. I know I’m being over dramatic because in the grand scheme of things this isn’t anything terrible, but what did I do wrong? How can I fix it? How can I move past this? How can I extend an olive branch and move on?
Comments
This absolute motherfucker needs to apologize to you. You are his pregnant wife and he needs to step the fuck up on the household management. With all the hours he works, he should be hiring weekly cleaning help (locating a good service and setting it up). His sisters should be coming over to clean for this shower. He doesn’t get to pretend that all the labor you do to keep the house running is being done by magical fucking fairies.
Hi I’m eight months postpartum and I hate your husband.
ETA- he punched the fridge you need to go stay somewhere else for a while you don’t want him to hit YOU.
Why do you have to fix it? You’re 32 weeks pregnant and cannot do much. You say he’s not an asshole or anything but after 3 years he’s never once opened that binder and that says more than anything. Love simply is not enough. Your husband did something fucked up and punching the fridge is probably just the beginning. Truthfully you’re gonna do what you want but none of this is on you and your child deserves a better father. There are plenty of men who do more when their partner is pregnant to make everything easier on them and yours just doesn’t care. I say pack a bag a leave and stay with family for a bit if you can and ask yourself could you really do this again
I didn’t get past the tldr – HE PUNCHED THE FRIDGE WHEN HE WAS MAD??
you do know that any amount of physical violence during an argument is a precursor to abuse, right? Factually. Statistically. Adults can’t just hit shit when they get angry, that is completely unacceptable behavior. If you let him get away with that without serious consequences, you are gleefully endangering yourself and your child.
Listen, this is a complicated situation that’s worth a deeper look than Reddit is going to give you. It’s obviously apparent that your relationship lacks proper communication. YOU needed to communicate these issues before they bottled up and exploded. HE needs to do the same. He allowed whatever issues he had bottle up until he lost his cool and punched a fridge. That’s unacceptable and not how healthy relationships work.
As for the binder, yeah, he should probably look at it if he cares about you. But at the same time, it seems as if you don’t understand him. Clearly reading a list of “duties” isn’t a great way to communicate your needs to him.
You need to get into couples therapy and do some intense work in communication because your relationship is extremely lacking in this department. Which is causing toxic resentment from both of you. This isn’t your fault alone, you both have failed each other.
Hey girl. Sorry you’re suffering and so upset. This truly sucks.
It sounds like he really wants to be a great father/husband to you.
Unfortunately it sounds like you didn’t communicate with him exactly what you needed.
It sucks, but often times I have to literally spell it out, SO very detailed and specific, for my fiancée to understand what I need.
This sounds so silly, but we have a literal white board on the fridge where I write down what I need him to do that day/week. It works. He wants to help. But it needs to be clear as day.
Before I learned that I need to be crystal clear, things just wouldn’t get done.
They just don’t see what we see!
It sounds so stupid, I know! But it’s probably the care. It’s sounds like you BOTH are exhausted.
Any chance you would be willing to splurge on a house cleaner for before the party/baby comes? Just once. I swear to god it will be worth every penny. Some things are worth paying for.
I wouldn’t worry about the fridge punch. If there’s a dent, maybe cover it with a new white board 😉
He can learn to do better and you can learn to ask for what you need.
The binder thing sucks, I’m sorry he never opened it. Maybe it just felt like too overwhelming. Maybe he felt like the chores were already getting done?
And as for him not cleaning the kitchen immediately, you were already on edge and this was just a case of terrible timing and the accidental tipping point.
It’s time you guys have a real conversation. Honestly from both. And take accountability for not asking for help sooner, even if it’s hard. Make sure you’re both hydrated, well fed, and not exhausted. Actually plan out a time to talk.
Good luck, but it sounds like everything will be okay!
Please tell your family what happened and make a safety plan. Any amount of violence is unacceptable, but pregnant women are statistically in the most danger from male partners
For fucks sake use paragraphs.
So the good news is that it sounds like he cares and is actively doing things and is trying. That is great, you can work with that. He is actively caring for you and about you. It sounds like he did not understand what household things were weighing on you or how much extra burden that has put on you. If he used his brain and empathy he may have seen it, but he also can’t see inside your head as to what things especially bother you and what can wait for a bit and is lower priority. That stuff does need some direct communication, but since he cares about you and puts in effort I bet he will be receptive to it, especially if you let him know which things he is currently doing are less important than the new asks.
The bad news is that he lost his shit and punched something. That is really bad and scary and potentially relationship ending. That is not how emotionally competent adults act, and if he is so out of control that he needs to physically act out against something there is a risk that next time it will be a person. I would recommend you get out of there and get into both personal (for him) and couples therapy. I would want to really deeply understand why what happened hit him so hard that he was unable to control his urge to hit something, and if I could not get that clarity I would leave. Certainly, if it ever happened again it would be leaving instantly and permanently.
You are both under a lot of strain and that is understandable. What is not understandable is taking it out physically.
omg, i feel exhausted for your husband… youre 32 weeks and are too tired for some things but can go to the mall and go to multiple stores but cant start the laundry yourself? hes trying to help but it has to be done your way from top to bottom? I def don’t agree w the punching but dang you sound exhausting. have u asked him to contribute to what else u need for baby?
then you wake him up super happy to get his bday MONTH started? what?
obviously, you need help, its not like he doesnt help or try to at least. hire someone
I feel for your husband