Need honest advice to process what happened here before I react
Throwaway for obvious reasons. I’m going to try to keep it brief.
My (31f) husband (30m) bought a gift for our oldest child (10f) a gift and wanted to surprise her with it. He had it behind his back, but she was distracted by her younger brother so she didnt hear him saying that he had a surprise. She got up and walked past him and he yelled that he had a surprise, this time he said it in an annoyed way, and told her to go back to where she was standing. Again, she did not hear him. There was a little chaos in the house at the time, and she is easily distracted so to me it wasn’t a big deal that she did not hear him at all. My husband looked pissed, yelled again, and pushed her back towards where she had been standing before with one arm. To me she looked upset, but didn’t say anything back to him and just went to sit back down. He told her to close her eyes so she put her head down. Then he wanted to make a big gesture about presenting it to her and she peeked up over her arms while she was waiting. He yelled at her again not to peek and pushed her head down with his hand. Then said “you’re so annoying.”
The push was not hard enough to hurt her, but it was done in a rude way and not playful at all. I stood completely shocked and frozen in place. I was abused as a child so I don’t know if I’m confusing this situation or blowing it out of proportion, but it made me extremely nervous. My heart was beating out of my chest. When she was finally allowed to look at her present she didn’t give a big reaction, I could tell she was upset. In response to her lack of enthusiasm he said “that’s all I get?” And it was just dead silence.
I don’t know what to do. Nothing like this has ever happened before. I feel so guilty for freezing up and not saying anything. I’m nervous to confront him about it when the kids go to bed, and I’ll have to wait until tomorrow to talk with her about it privately.
TLDR my husband pushed and yelled at our child out of anger while he was giving her a gift and I don’t know what to do.
Comments
Using physical force on a partner or child is always abuse. Always. Always. Always. And the fact that he gets mad that she wasn’t aware he was giving her a gift, shows that he gives gifts to make himself the center of attention, not because he wants to make people happy. How did you not know this about the person you married and had kids with? Oh, right, you raced into marriage and kids in your early 20s. I don’t understand why people still do this.
You need to stand up for your child like now
I’m finding it really hard to believe that this man has been a complete saint up until tonight. Has he exhibited violent behaviors in the past?
He abused your child. If he doesn’t take responsibility tonight and make things right with her first thing tomorrow morning, get you and the kids out of there.
Get those kids and run
Leave NOW. Your children’s safety is paramount. Men come and go. Your children will always be your children. My ex-husband abused me but once he hit my daughter. It was over.
Can anyone link the why does he do that pdf
This sounds like a person who got in their head and hyped about how they expected an interaction to go and didn’t cope great when it didn’t go as ideally as planned.
As an isolated event it doesn’t read like abuse to me (I was never abused but my partner was and I’ve done lots of work to understand his mentality). It’s more a thing to file away to check on patterns of behaviour. The classic line being “once is chance, twice is coincidence, three times is conspiracy”.
If he was my husband, in a quiet moment when it’s just the two of us, I would gently and with curiosity enquire about how he had hoped the interaction when giving the gift was meant to go. I would be hoping he would say something like “I was really hoping she would be excited and I guess I got frustrated when she wouldn’t listen”.
Then you could enquire about the pushing, did it feel like he was stressed out in that moment, what about calling her annoying, did he mean to do that?
Assuming he really did just lose control of the interaction a bit, which is totally fine, I would then say something to him like “I wonder if it wouldn’t be a good idea for you to speak with <daughter> and tell her you’re sorry you called her annoying, that you were having a difficult time with noise and chaos in the house and really excited to give her the gift. That you want her to understand you don’t find her annoying and that you love her very much.”
Then talk about perhaps next time if there’s a gift he will need to wait for the right moment to give it, rather than right away when the house is in chaos — to protect himself from having his expectations missed.
Nope. Nope. Nope. You never ever lay your hands on a child. I don’t care if he was irritated, angry, tired, impatient, whatever. I don’t know what the chaos was that was going on but clearly she DID NOT HEAR HIM. That’s entirely not her fault. And then telling her she’s “annoying?” Seriously? Nope this is exactly how abusive relationships begin. Don’t gaslight yourself over this PLEASE. If it happens once it WILL happen again.
How long ago did this happen
Did you say anything in the moment to defend your daughter and diffuse the situation?
Also, why do you need to wait until your husband is out of the house to talk to your daughter? Are you also afraid of him?
You need to go to your daughter immediately. Immediately. You need to make it clear to her that NO ONE should ever, not even her father, put their hands on her. This moment is crucial.
I think the fact that you’re nervous to confront him says it all.
It shouldn’t be a question of what to do.
Your husband abused your child and now as the only safe parent, it is your duty to protect your children. Your children are not safe with him and neither are you.
You NEED to leave him but how you go about it is very important. Do NOT confront him. Google “the hotline” in incognito mode when he is not around. There are professionals that can help you and your children escape safely and give the resources and advice you need to ensure your children’s safety. Make sure to document everything and keep hold of important documents, like birth certificates and ssns.
Okay, so why does he want compensation for giving his child a gift? Also, why did he want a show of it seemingly out of no where? Seems weird, if this is a first time behavior then maybe something is going on deeper with him. Maybe the kids have been favoring you a lot more recently and he feels left out or forgotten? I think before anything you need to communicate with him that not only was that beahvior not okay but it also triggered you with your past trauma and you will not allow this behavior on your children EVER. Ask him what’s going on like is there something going on with you to act that way, not that’s excusable but is there something that we as a couple can resolve together or is therapy needed? However, your daughter should recieve a apology from him asap because this behavior if repeated could make her think it is normal/ okay, not to mention the life long trauma.
I find it hard to believe that his immaturity and outburst was just a one time thing. You may have accepted other toxic behavior as normal such as verbal berating as nothing serious until it manifested physically. I would encourage you to seriously look at times he was not so gentle and reevaluate his behavior. If it truly was an out of the ordinary occasion, he would be immediately apologetic. You have not mentioned how he handled the aftermath or how his anger manifests over the years you have been together. That information gives you better discernment.