my husband (32m) and I (29f) have been together for almost 4 years
my husband is easily stressed out / overwhelmed / upset. he has severe ocd and adhd and depression and can be easily set off. whether the problem is as small as there being slightly more traffic than he anticipated, or a restaurant being out of the thing he wanted, or something big like conflicts at work or issues with his family, I try my best to support him in any way I can.
there are times when he gets upset and he’ll talk me through why he’s upset and we’ll try to work it out together, and then we eventually move on. that’s nice when it happens.
there are also many, many, many times he gets upset by something and ends up directing it towards me, even though it wasn’t my fault or even had nothing to do with me in the first place. in these moments i tell him im there if he needs support, but he cannot speak to me like that / he’s taking it out on me / etc. or I’ll call him out directly and be like hey you’re being kind of mean or you’re being really unfair.
he will then often get defensive and accuse me of making him the villain of everything and say he’s just not going to talk to me about his feelings anymore (says that the most often), im mean, im cruel, im condescending, and more. this really hurts my feelings, and I tell him so. then he accuses me of making everything about myself. I tell him when he acts like this it makes it very difficult to be there for him, because he is actively pushing me away.
for example, yesterday he woke up feeling really depressed, as he often does. he was quiet and grumpy and kind of sulking. I asked if he wanted to talk about his feelings, told him I was there whenever he wanted to talk, and gave him physical affection. later, at the grocery store, I forgot to disinfect the cart handle, which I always make sure to do (it’s flu season and we have a little one). as we walked, he repeatedly told me I need to make sure I do it. I apologized numerous times and told him it was a mistake and I always wipe it off but forgot this one time because we were having a conversation when I grabbed the cart.
for the next few minutes he kept getting on me about how he doesn’t want to get the flu just because I can’t remember to wipe a cart off, and I need to be more mindful because we have a toddler. at this point im a little frustrated but i know if I respond too emotionally he’ll get more upset, so im just like okay baby I said I was sorry and it was a one time mistake, can we please just shop in peace?
when we got back in the car he said im condescending and he’s tired of me making him feel like he’s so annoying. I was like ?? I wasn’t even annoyed with you, I literally apologized and tried to tell you it was a one time thing and you wouldn’t let it go. he didn’t respond and was silent for a bit.
then he asks me to be honest, can we afford to eat out for lunch? and this immediately made me nervous because every single time I tell him we cant really afford something at the moment, he blows up. I said if you want me to be honest… we just paid rent and got groceries and I don’t think it’s a good idea as things are a bit tight. then he gets really upset and says he gets “tired of eating out at home all the fucking time” (he eats out at least 5 days a week…) and he’s “tired of feeling like he can’t enjoy the money he works for” (he literally buys himself stuff all the time…). and I was like “why did you ask me to be honest when that wasn’t really an option? when im honest about this stuff you tend to get upset at me for not just giving you what you want…”
and he started getting really upset saying he was having such a shit fucking day and just needed me to be there for him and im like “?? What how am I not being there for you ??” and he starts telling me how I need to be more empathetic and I need to talk to him nicer and all he needed was my support and said all these things I did wrong and I was simply flabbergasted. I was feeling very hurt at this point because I tried so hard to be there for him all day and no matter how hard I try, he will often blow up. I started to cry a little because I was feeling very anxious from the situation. he then told me “thanks a lot for just making it all about you, im always the bad guy I get it. thanks a lot for being there for me” which honestly made me cry more.
when we got home I didn’t speak or look at him and just started putting groceries away. he got upset at me being upset and was like “all you could’ve done was like, touch me. you haven’t touched me all fucking day I just needed you maybe I just needed comfort” and I said “im not going to be affectionate / comforting towards you when you’re treating me that way” and he’s like “why not I’d do it for you. you should always want to comfort me, otherwise what’s the point of being married” and im like “i do always want to comfort you but not when you treat me like that. I also wouldn’t want you to comfort me if im being that way towards you because I wouldn’t deserve it?”
he told me I was cold, but I stand by what I said.
TLDR husband gets easily triggered by things, and no matter what I attempt to offer it doesn’t seem enough. he ends up demanding more and making me feel like an awful wife. I have really started to believe it over the years, and I am questioning which parts of this situation are on me or him. idk, just looking for input and advice because I don’t know how to handle these situations. thanks for reading.
Comments
Why do you want to make this work?
He needs therapy and for you to stop coddling him. He does this because he gets away with it.
This reads to me like someone who doesn’t like you anymore, doesn’t like anything about his life, and wants a do-over. He doesn’t want to be the bad guy and break up with you, he wants to do anything he can to push you over the limit and make you the bad guy by leaving him so that he can get sympathy from everyone he’s ever met. And since he cares so little about you, he’s perfectly fine lashing out and making you feel awful until you can’t deal with it any longer.
How do you think he would react if you gave him what I think he wants? If you played the bad guy and stopped coddling him? He says you’re cold? You’ll show him what the word frigid really means.
He sounds exhausting.
You should not have to bend over backward to accommodate his moods.
You mentioned his OCD, ADHD and depression. Does he have a therapist? Is he on medication? If so, do they know about his inability to moderate his reactions when things don’t go exactly his way? You should not be his emotional punching bag and he needs to work on himself or something before your child could become a target for his outbursts.
This will never, ever get better until he seeks help for his mental health issues. My husband was similar to this. He had trauma and unregulated emotions because of it. It took me threatening to leave him for him to finally seek help.
You need to set some boundaries, tell him to get help, and consider marriage counseling so he can see that his behavior is not acceptable.
You are not his therapist. Its not your job to fix him or fill that depression void.
i know you have a child which makes it difficult to leave. but you should not be treated like this. i know reddit is quick to jump to divorce over one incident, but this paints a picture of a lot of separate issues. why is he eating out so much when you’re budgeting? why does he blow up at you for saying so? why is he antagonizing you while making you cry and blaming the situation on you? if this is how he regularly treats you, please please please go to couples therapy. i know money is tight but if he stops eating out so much you can afford it lol. at least work through gottman’s marriage book. but if he’s not willing to work through things and put in the effort, please leave. it’s going to be hard at first but you’ll be so much better off without this deadweight
This sounds MISERABLE. You’re walking on eggshells trying to avoid upsetting him but it doesn’t work because everything seems to upset him! You’ll live your WHOLE life being miserable if you don’t leave him.