My husband and I dated 10 years before we got married. We’ve been together a total of 13 years (married 3). I’m 32, he’s 35. He knew kids were a big deal for me before we got married and was on the same page as me. When we first started dating, he didn’t want marriage or kids. But then eventually changed his mind bc he wanted that with me. After we got married we agreed we would wait to have kids till I got out of grad school and got a job. We own a house. The problem I am having is that our whole relationship he’s always controlled everything. When to move in together. When it was time to buy a house. When we would get married. And now, when it’s time to have kids. I am ready, he is not. I have graduated with my PhD and my MBA, and have cofounded 2 startup companies. I am making decent money for working for startups and coming right out of school (80k/year, he makes about that too). First, he wanted me to graduate. Done. Then get a job. Done. Now he’s constantly coming up with excuses to not have kids with me. The reason of the day? Because I make too many mistakes. (Note, I have adhd). The most recent excuse for not wanting to have kids: I left the stove burner on one night, he caught it and shut it off. And bc I got distracted and left the dog outside in the fenced in front yard for an hour once while I went and run errands. It’s always something. Some mistake I made. Like I am so incompetent that he’s too worried to have kids with me. I’m freaking the fuck out. Because I love him. But I am not willing to give up having a Family. I also can’t live in fear that he will never be ready, then be 35+ and have to start over. I’m better off starting over now, right? I love him to death. But I’m not willing to give up my future. I’m also afraid if he says yes to kids, the first mistake I make he will take my kids away. I hate thinking about dating again. I hate the thought of giving up my home. I hate the thought of starting a family with someone else. But part of me feels like I just need to leave, and leave now, before kids come in the picture and complicate things. Halp. Idk what to do.
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He doesn’t want kids. He never did. He compromised with marriage and doesn’t want anything further.
Don’t overthink his excuses, if it wasn’t “mistakes” it would be something else.
I have ADHD and 2 children. Yes, I’ve made mistakes but my children are loved, happy, and healthy. ADHD does not make you incapable of being a good parent.
He just doesn’t want kids. If you continue to wait on him, you will either miss your window or pressure him into kids but he will resent you.
Hes trying to make childlessness your fault instead of his.
He doesn’t want kids and he’s too chicken to say it.
The thing about biology is, whether you want kids or don’t, it’s not rational. People who are too broke too busy too unhealthy too unstable have kids all the time because damn the excuses. All the rationalizing is BS, he just doesn’t want kids.
It’s never too late to find the man who is meant to father your child.
>> I’m better off starting over now, right?
Yep.
He does not want kids and never wanted kids. He expressed that from the beginning.
He throws up new barriers each time you accomplish something, and he has been controlling the entirety of your relationship.
The goal post is always moving and always will because it’s not a goal that he actually wants to accomplish.
Children are more permanent than marriage, so while he may have been willing to bend on that, children is something entirely different. More than that, I think you should consider why you would want to have children with someone who is behaving poorly before they even exist.
He only married you bc he thought you’d leave him and now is giving every excuse in the book to not commit to the part of your relationship you are adamant on?
Personally when I finally realized I always gave in to my ex, I stopped. You know what happened? He became unhappy and said I was this, that, and the other thing in our relationship. Everything was my fault. You know what else happened? I finally found myself after years of making myself small. I don’t compromise if I don’t want to anymore.
You’re young enough and make enough money that you can get a donor or adopt by yourself. There are so many single moms that kick butt and their children look up to them for it. You can do what you want, it’ll be hard but it’s worth it.
You could tell him that he doesn’t determine whether you have kids, he can only determine whether he is the father of them.
On a more serious note, this is touchy, because an ultimatum of “we’re having kids or I am leaving” will result in him resenting you and any children you have. I would tell him that his objections to having kids seem to be contrived so he doesn’t have to admit that he doesn’t want kids anymore. (If he ever did in the first place.) Depending on how he responds, either start actively trying to conceive, or make plans to move out and initiate divorce proceedings.
10yrs was the first flag I read. Men generally know in 3-5yrs max. He was waiting to see what you’d financially complete for him to benefit without the responsibility of children. I wouldn’t be surprised if he got a quiet vasectomy. You said it in the last section. Start over, make him buy you out of your house or evict him, fresh surroundings improve a lot. Don’t give up your future. You’re financially sound to make it happen, you’ve got this.
it will be easier to start over now than later, run for the hills right now because he doesn’t want kids and will string you along until your body won’t be able to make them and then still blame you for it all somehow. if you have the money and the patience look into freezing eggs to help alleviate the anxiety around dating and finding a new partner with a clock ticking in your ear. also in your new search, be open to motherhood coming to you in a different way than you had previously expected, you may find the man you know is meant to be the father of your children and want to start building that aspect of your life before a formal marriage, that is ok. you might find that you want to take on this journey solo and go with for a donor, that is also ok and there are alot of benefits to that option as well so weigh the pros and cons. one thing is for certain, this man does not want to father children and he does not care about your desire to become a mother.
The only mistakes I see are 1) You married him, 2) you stayed married to him, & 3) you’re not leaving him.
You can do so much better. Even if you decide to do the parenting thing all by yourself.
Time to tell him the only mistake you made is him and you’re going to rectify that and leave him.
Your mistake is staying with him. He doesn’t want kids and is too cowardly to tell you that. He should have done so years ago. Now here you are. You can still choose to have a child without him (or anyone) or look for a new partner who actually shares this goal. Waiting him out is going to create massive resentment and you giving up a significant portion of your life. That’s unacceptable.
Honestly it sounds like you already don’t trust him and he’s been moving the goalposts for years. I think you are right that if you want to have kids you need to leave this relationship.
He doesn’t want kids and you’ll never change his mind.
Leave now and have kids on your own. You can use a sperm bank, even. There’s no reason to wait if you can do it on your own.
He doesn’t want kids..
This sounds like an abusive relationship where he told you what you wanted so you will stay.
Been there. Cut your losses.
Think very hard on whether you do actually want children with a control freak, because if you divorce somewhere down the line, his need to control won’t end. It will ramp up. Your divorce will be contentious. He’ll use the children to control you. He’ll make every minor disagreement huge.
I speak from a place of experience after years of helping women in similar situations.
This guy lied to your face multiple times about wanting kids.
Cut your losses and run.
And I’m saying this as a child free person. I get that kids are a huge deal to most people. I would never fuck with someone’s desire to have children just because I “LoVeD SoOoOoOo MuCh” or thought they’d change their mind. It’s choice and a life style both people need to be together on.
What he’s done to you is supremely fucked up
He’s lying and manipulating you. He wants marriage because it’ll keep you placated but not children. Leave now so you can still have kids.
What an asshole. I hate people that lie by omission or are intentionally deceptive. Grow up and communicate.
He doesn’t want kids.
I don’t think he wants children with you and he’s a time thief just waiting you out. I’m sorry. Its time to move on
I have ADHD and I have two kids with ADHD. Trust me, I make a ton of mistakes. But don’t we all? I brought up two amazing humans, I have been working for the same company for nearly 24 years. I even make more money than my husband now!
To me it seems like he doesn’t want kids. Maybe he did and then changed his mind, who knows. If he wanted to, he would (medical issues aside, of course). But he’s also very controlling and that does not usually get better. It only gets worse. Lots of red flags there.