For context: my husband and I have been married for eight months, together for 6.5 years. We met when I was 19 and he was 29. Please spare judgement on our age and ‘grooming’ allegations. He is the love of my life, and I am his. Deeply madly in love and not without its challenges.
So, we spontaneously decided to pop into the pub last night and at one point in the evening, my husband looks down at me and says, “if a very rich man asked you to be his wife right now, would you be?” I laughed and said, “absolutely not… why would I? Money isn’t everything”. He responded: “because you have me”. I said, “exactly babe”. He gave off this adorable, sweet, happy smirk and giggle.
Upon returning home, he was a little tipsy but the good kind – where he wants to dance, laugh, and speak philosophy and ramble truths. However, my husband does this thing where if he needs to have a difficult conversation, he will have a couple drinks to loosen himself.
So after much ramblings, he decided to walk towards me with a vulnerable smile on his face. He leant in to cuddle me and softly muttered in my ear, “I’m deeply in love with you but you’re not deeply in love with me. I know you love me a lot but you’re not deeply in love”. I said, “what do you mean? What are you talking about? I definitely am!”. Husband responded, “I can just tell you’re not”. The conversation progresses and he says, “there’s something in you that I can’t satisfy. You’re not sexually confident with me and I don’t know how to satisfy you.” I can tell he’s uncomfortable and slightly fearful – I saw it in his eyes.
For context, we have only been intimate four times in 8 months. It’s killing me because I so desperately want him, but he has completely gone off sex and doesn’t know if that will change. He believes it’s because he was hyper sexual in his 20’s and slept with a ton of women. He admits his attitude to sex hasn’t been healthy and is actually disgusted at how he behaved with women.
He continued, “I know you need something that I can’t give you, and I fear that not doing what you need to do now will hurt even more in the long run – you might leave me for it, resentment might build, I don’t know. You’re still young; do what you need to, sleep other other men, I’ve had my time. But I need you to promise me two things: that you won’t make me ill, and you won’t leave me. I want you at my deathbed, whether that’s tomorrow or 80 years. Please don’t ever leave me.” His eyes had desperation in them. My heart honestly broke hearing that and seeing his face. He continued, “I love you so much, if I was told that it’s my life or yours, I would be on my knees instantly – I would give my life for you, I just want you to be happy”. He said, “you can do whatever you want, as long as you don’t have an emotional connection to the men you meet. I just don’t want you to leave me. No matter what you do, I will always be waiting at home to cuddle you. You are the most perfect and sexy woman to exist. If I could ask God to create my perfect woman, she would be you”.
The conversation fizzled out and we fell into a karaoke session of ‘American Pie’ and some dancing. He played “the most beautiful girl in the world – Prince’ and dedicated it to me. Followed by ‘Maria – Blondi’ and changed the name to mine whilst he sang.
He is the most handsome, intelligent, wise, funny, amazing, human to exist. I just don’t know how to feel or how to proceed. Truthfully, we haven’t ever been sexually compatible – I’ve always been into deep kinks, whereas he has not. But when we do get intimidate, his body inside of mine is intoxicating. Even when I pleasure myself, he is all I think about.
I crave sex but not at his expense. I want him. I’m confused and don’t know how to proceed because I’m still young and still want to have fun.
I’m feeling emotional and I don’t know what to do.
Comments
I think this is beyond Reddit’s pay grade and this requires couples counseling and sex therapy.
I think the best option would be sexual therapy for him. Bringing out his inner thoughts and feelings concerning intimacy. If he finds you sexy and craves you and loves you deeply I don’t think there should be a problem with that part. He just needs someone experienced with the mental side of sexual experiences that can help him. He needs to distinguish casual sex with women back then and lovemaking with his wife.
From what you wrote, your man is a very good husband who cares for you deeply. And I think in this case the two of you can find the solution if you work together against the problem and with the help of a therapist. Good luck, wish you the best.
Oh hell yes, now you get to have sex with whoever you want! Just be careful, pretty soon he’ll want to watch 🤗
Marrying someone who’s sexually incompatible is just setting yourself up for misery or failure.
I mean, sorry if he was depraved when he was younger but no amount of lovey dovey songs, poems, and speeches will ever make up for the fact that he accused you of not deeply loving him.
That’s what he said to you. And that is who will be your husband unless you leave or tell him that he needs to fix this.
Have you tried sex counselling? I’d be wary of involving additional people in my relationship, but I would have trouble not forming an emotional bond with someone I’m having sex with. There are a zillion stories of partners who think they’ll be ok with adding sex partners to the relationship, only to find doing do spoiled their relationship
Therapy now. Both of you . This is about the time you come back and tell us he’s cheating or has porn addiction .
Thats a rough 1.
Reddit will probably tell you to leave him.
But it sounds like you have a wonderful relationship.
I would personally talk to him when hes sober.
Dont take a drunk mans words for truth, or he will use it against you if he gets hurt.
( If you sleep with someone else, and he gets hurt )
It can change again to him wanting more sex.
Imagine if you would break up, then after a while, his desire to “hunt” for a woman, will most likely kick in, and that means, its still in there, you just have to find it.
Hes feeling good in your relationship, thats for sure.
I think you 2 would benefit alot from a good long break, a travel to somewhere and act like 5 years ago.
Or maybe some couple counseling 😅
You need to mix it up, somehow, and try something new.
Atleast thats what i think.
M33
I’m worried for you, because of how much you love him. This scenario doesn’t bode well. My first and unrelenting thought is that he’s secretly into men. He knows how much you love him, that’s obvious. That’s why he’s afraid to tell you the truth, whatever it is.
Best case scenario this is some past life stuff that can be fixed with hypnotherapy/regression. Or therapy. I’m hoping the best for you.
Something about this is so unnerving and I don’t know what it is.
Go to a relationship psychologist and/or a sex therapist. I would recommend the relationship psychologist. Depending on where you are, do not go for a relationship counsellor, go for a relationship psychologist. A relationship psychologist needs a degree and clinical training.
This is a fake story. The storytelling and embellishments are incredibly fake
Girl, you need to dig. So he “knows” you don’t love him as much as he loves you. (He can read your mind?) He’s ok with you sleeping with other men. … Hmm.
So he is manipulating you because he either wants you to start dancing around him with tambourine, proving just HOW much you love him. Or there’s something you don’t know about him, and he wants to get rid of you, but still look like a good guy. This is so shady. Seriously, start digging.
No matter what, know you have a good man here. I wouldn’t leave him either.
Just a question have you guys ever talked
About having kids???
If you think sleeping with other men will fix what’s wrong with your sex life and marriage , spare the time, and heartache and file for divorce now. You don’t want it brought up but your age gap and meeting him when you were a teenager is factor with regard to the issues in your marriage, at least as far as your husband is concerned. If you feel like you missed out or aren’t satisfied end it and go look for what you need. If you want to save the marriage seek therapy not other people to fuck
You sound like an incredible and loving couple. Please do as others say and look into sex therapy for him. First make sure it’s something he would want but I imagine if you frame it as a way to reignite his passions and save that side of your relationship he will come around. Wishing you all the best op. You sound like a lovely couple ❤️
He loves you but you don’t sexually satisfy him. I think you should break up and move on.
“The conversation fizzled out and we fell into a karaoke session of ‘American Pie’ and some dancing. “
i cant with this
How has this only become an issue after you got married? Did you not have sex before?? Maybe HE is realizing your age gap is a bigger issue than you think it is. Maybe he thinks you need to grow and you haven’t because you are with someone who was already so much more settled in life and he realizes he can’t give you what you need to grow.
The age gap isn’t just about grooming. It’s about being in different stages in life and having experiences that define who you are and help you develop into an adult. He sounds like he’s realizing you need to explore life and he doesn’t want to go back to being your age again.
Seriously. Get counseling. Together.
Edit to add: and if his thought isn’t to figure out how to experience real emotional intimacy with you to get past his I only have sex for pleasure phase, he is really missing out.
He sounds deeply manipulative. I know I’ll get downvoted for “diagnosing “ but it smells like BPD. Like it’s pretty dramatic for no good reason and he might be called histrionic if he was a woman. I’m sorry you are going through this.
I wouldn’t be okay with someone fucking the love of my life… if I can’t satisfy her and if she can’t satisfy me… we’ve got to part ways…
Why does he not want sex? Does he have ED or some other medical issue? If he loves you and thinks you’re sexy and all that, what is going on? Just try to solve that through couples counseling and being inquiring deeper first. I feel like he’s still glossing over something. Or you are in the post.
That’s… difficult. Also yall seem quite emotional in how you type and in what he says. I’d have this conversation with a therapist that can reel you both back into reality instead of the fairytale love talk. This is some serious shit
Im going to say it. Do you think he might be hiding another secret, like maybe he is gay/bisexual and was hyper sexual trying to “overcome” it? He sounds like a very loving amazing person that is struggling and maybe hurtingYou sound like you are very much in love too and your relationship is beautiful (except the sex), even if he says he’s ok with you finding sex elsewhere, doesn’t mean that if you do it won’t hurt him and /or your relationship. Couple’s therapy and sex therapy should be your next step.
Why aren’t you both in counseling for this rn? Come on already.
Sounds like low testosterone.
Okay. I can help a little
I was 30 and my husband was 23 when I married him
I was so scared I was holding up his party days and one day he would resent me for it and cheat on me
He’s insecurity is this. He wants you to get it out your system so he can stay married to you forever and not be left
Okay. I can help a little
I was 30 and my husband was 23 when I married him
I was so scared I was holding up his party days and one day he would resent me for it and cheat on me
He’s insecurity is this. He wants you to get it out your system so he can stay married to you forever and not be left
Im a firm believer that if you truly love someone you have no desire or intention to sleep with anyone else, but thats just my belief and I don’t judge others. Even if I had permission and no consequences I still wouldn’t want to.
As for compatibility, sexually or otherwise, I’m also a firm believer that when your partner needs something you should at least be making every effort to meet them halfway, it’s a partnership. Even if that means stepping out of your comfort zone some. And most the time its less about the outcome of that compromise and more about the willingness and effort to compromise. I suspect that’s what hes trying to do. It’s rare though that a man is truly ok withe his woman sleeping with others. He’s willing to take the hit and the hurt for you, because he’s scared to lose you, but that also works both ways. Are you willing to take the hit as
well, or rather going without some of your needs to save his feelings?
When you find your person, in my opinion, you have to let go of the old you (not entirely) and embrace the new you as one half of a whole. You should be changing and growing together.
If that’s the only issue maybe you both need some sexual therapy. Is there no way you can both get 50% of what you need?
Updateme
I noticed some changes when I turned 30 as well. He needs a doctor, not a poly-thingy. I wish you the best OP.
He needs therapy
He’s finna put you on a couch, love
This sounds like a you problem. According to a previous post, you went on a romantic getaway and you chose to sleep in a tent? Even though he was upset and wanted you to sleep in the cabin?