I’ve been married since Jan. 2023 & haven’t gotten along with my MIL since the beginning. We never really had a good relationship to begin with. Even though it’s only been since 2023, the drama was so intense that it feels like it’s been over 10 years.
At first, it really bothered me. I always thought I’d have a good relationship with my future husband’s mom, so when the problems started, I wanted to fix things right away. I suggested therapy to my husband and told him what he needed to say to her to set boundaries. But he never actually followed through. Instead of addressing the issue, he chose to ignore it “to keep the peace” but that didn’t work for me.
Fast forward I got pregnant, had my baby, and his mom wasn’t involved. She didn’t even know I was pregnant. Everything was going fine with me and my husband, just focusing on our baby but now, out of nowhere, he’s bringing up therapy and his mom again.
The thing is, I’m the kind of person who either fixes things immediately, or if it’s been too long, I just move on and cut people out. I don’t understand why he’s bringing this up now. It feels weird, because I tried to fix it in 2023. That was the time I was hurt and wanted resolution but now? I’m at peace, and my focus is solely on my baby.
I think his mom is pressuring him to visit and see the baby she lives in another state. But like I said, I was deeply affected back in 2023 and tried to fix it then. Now, I’m unbothered, and my life has been peaceful.
So am I wrong for not wanting to fix things now? Need advice
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Tell DH that it’s his mom. He is responsible for the relationship with her. Not you.
He’s trying to shuffle off the emotional labor onto you, when it belongs completely to him.
Would he go out and fix a relationship with your mom?? No.
“Oh, I really wish she’d have taken my offer when I had the spare time. I’m just so busy now! Maybe in about ten years when kiddo doesn’t need me so much, mmkay?”
My best thought is a candid conversation where you acknowledge he wants a relationship with his mom, which is fine with certain understandings, and you convey to him you have zero reason to disturb your peace. She brings nothing of value to your life but drama and conflict. There was no energy to fix it yrs ago and your child is not a reason to fix it now. He needs to accept your choice to have no relationship. Therapy may help him understand that.
You’re not wrong at all. You tried to fix it, he didn’t step up, and now that you’ve found peace, it’s totally fair to protect that. You did your part. It’s not on you to reopen old wounds just because it’s suddenly convenient for him. Your peace matters.
I’m in a similar boat, except I put up with my MIL being inappropriate for 9 years and I only stopped tolerating her when I was pregnant with my son. I gave her a year to get it together and learn to treat me and my son with respect, but my husband constantly undermined the boundaries I set for myself and my son. I laid out exactly what my husband and MIL need to do to reconcile and I refuse to make an effort when there had been none on either parts.
LO and I have been NC almost a year and in pregnant with our second. I made my husband go to therapy after he tried to tell me he should be able to make parenting decisions and the only one he wanted to make was to take our son to see his mom. I signed us up for couples therapy and the therapist told him his mom is emotionally abusive and he needs to learn to set boundaries and protect the family he is responsible for creating. She also called him out for being avoidant.
Edit: spelling
It’s not your issue, you have set your boundaries.
It’s up to your husband to maintain the relationship with his mother.
You are entitled to stay no contact.
Oh, so you have a husband problem.
He wants to keep HER peace. Not yours.
He’s putting her needs and wants first. Not yours.
He’s making you responsible for fixing a thing you didn’t break. He’s telling you that she gets to win, instead of you.