My husband (22M) wants to go on another weekend riding trip with a bunch of guy friends. He just went on one last month leaving me (23F) with our baby, who was at the time 5 months old. Now 6 months old. We’ve been together 7 years, married for 1.5. His last trip, we argued the entire week leading up to the trip, I told him I didn’t want him to go but it was ultimately his decision because I don’t like being controlling. He went, and I honestly did fine being alone with the baby, but I have never gotten a break. I haven’t gotten to go on trips away from the baby, because I can’t. And I wouldn’t do that to him anyway knowing how hard and exhausting it is by yourself and with a farm. His friends are asking me to let him go and he’s been in a bad mood knowing I don’t want him to go. I just don’t know how to keep handling this. He’s going to keep wanting to go on these trips, then we’ll spend weeks fighting whether he goes or not, and I’m tired of arguing over the same things over and over. Do I just let him go and deal with stress of doing everything myself, keep my feelings hidden for weeks so we don’t fight, not get a break, so that he can go with his friends riding, drinking, and forget about all of his responsibilities? That just doesn’t seem like a solution I want and I keep questioning why I’m always the one compromising. Where he’s going doesn’t have service, so I can’t even really contact him.
TLDR: My husband wants to go on another riding weekend trip with his friends, leaving me with a 6 month old on my own. Fights happen for weeks whether he goes or not.
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Why does your husband want to go on all these trips instead of staying with his OWN NEWBORN? Forget you for a second. You don’t find this weird ?
Schedule a week vacation solo while he is with the baby. He needs to understand, and some people don’t get it until they’re in the situation.
Well, you’ve already shown that he can do whatever he wants and you’ll stay with him. He doesn’t seem to care about your opinion or if you’re unhappy.
Do you have someplace you can go for help with the baby while he’s gone? Surely he has somebody that can check in on the farm animals.
He needs a wake up call. Life changes when you have a baby. He doesn’t seem to have figured that out yet. I don’t know how easy it is to communicate with him but maybe a frank conversation about how much your life had changed and why you can’t go anywhere so why is it fair that he can? When you chose to have a baby you chose to alter your life, quite drastically, especially that first year. I hear it all too often that men are so shacked when the women doesn’t want to do everything all the time ever. He needs to smarten up and take care of you and his baby.
Oh, and not even to mention the fact that you have a farm!? I’m assuming that means animals?! That’s just cruel. Even if you didn’t have a baby having a farm means you have a home-body lifestyle and don’t go partying every weekend.
He’s being a terrible partner and needs a real wake up call. It sounds dramatic but I would let him go but not be there when he gets back. Don’t abandon the animals, pay someone to check in on them or something but just go to your mom’s or somewhere for a few days and scare the crap out of him when he gets back. Just tell him you needed a weekend away. I’d be super petty about it.
Is this the first time your husband has shown himself to be selfish, irresponsible, and completely unconcerned with your well-being? Or was he like this before you married him, and then you married him anyway?
Outsource help when he’s gone. even if it’s delivery take-out dinner every night. If there’s money for these trips, then you guys can budget money towards making your life easier while he’s gone.
The red flags are waving like a circus. He’s not a supportive partner and he doesn’t sound like the best father.
Let him go and don’t make any arguments. While he’s gone, go home to your family to get help. Let him return to a home void of his wife and child for a few days. He’ll either wake up and snap to reality or he won’t.
Dont waste your life and those first few years begging someone else to be supportive of you but also a good parent.
How much does he help out when he is home? Is he helping out with the baby or expecting you to do it all? I think his actions outside of this are also important to note. However, his wanting to leave you alone despite your pleas not to are a serious problem either way. You shouldn’t have to just keep your feelings hidden to keep the peace. At 23 he is still a young guy and is still being immature about this situation. Since it seems like he doesn’t care about how you feel about it, is there any one else you could talk to that might help him understand? Like his parents, older sibling, your parents, etc?
You deserve to be happy too.
I had a husband like this.
He left me with an infant and toddler for a week long boys trip and surprised me by coming back 3 days early. When he came in my initial thought was annoyance instead of joy. In that second I realized that this was not the feelings of someone in a healthy marriage. I realized that I had been perfectly content and life was easier without him. I separated from him a couple weeks later.
Edit to add: was 23 also
How long was the first trip and how long is this one?
Take the time while he’s gone to plan your own trip away with some friends. When he gets back tell him you’re taking your own break, going to x with yz, love you bye.
He’s still a couple years out from maturing as a male, and that sucks.
I have a 24 and 22 year old, and never left my wife alone for a weekend of fun, but we started raising kids at 28.
I would be afraid to leave him alone with a baby for a weekend to “give him a taste”. He just needs to buckle in for the ride and accept his days of “boy’s weekends” are over. He’s a dad now.
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Ahhh the old story of the new dad who wants to act like he’s still young and childfree. Well, he IS still young in this case, but he’s got responsibilities now.
There’s nothing you can do because he’s being an AH. Stop fighting. Let him know your feelings, let him know what a disappointment he is, and then just stop. Fighting is just adding stress to your life. Try to find peace for yourself and baby.
Can you schedule a mini “vacation” at your parents’? You and baby can go visit, your parents can take over childcare duties for a day and let you rest.
What’s this about a farm???. Is he also leaving you alone to run a farm???
You are on a farm, alone with a newborn? Doing daily chores alone with a newborn? Tell him to find someone to come out and take care of it all weekend and you head out in another direction, with all your belongings. He is a monster for doing that to you. Just because you can does not mean you should, he is treating you like an employee. He’s not just selfish he’s irresponsible. Farms are dangerous and you are left there alone, with a baby!!!🚩
Broski, I totally get it. It’s rough when he bounces for the weekend and you’re stuck handling everything. You deserve a break too, honestly. Maybe try talking to him, tell him how you’re feeling, and that you need some time for yourself too. Find some middle ground so he can chill with his boys, but you’re not left holding it down all the time
BOTH of you had a baby. Not just you. And until that baby gets older and a little more independent , he needs to sit his ass at home just like you are. The time to be going out with your buddies on the weekends is over for now. More responsibilities are on the table. I’m sorry to say, but you’re married to a child.
Your husband needs to grow the hell up & understand he has bigger priorities now.
Having children absolutely limits your spare time, that’s just a fact. It doesn’t mean you can’t do anything but it does mean adjustments need to be made.
Nobody with a such a young baby should be taking multiple trips a year with their buddies. Especially when the other parent doesn’t even get the occasional day off. That is just insanely selfish!
Tell him if he goes on this trip you won’t be home when he gets back. You’ll take your baby & go stay with family or a friend. You’ll book an appointment with a couples therapist & he can attend if he wants to save your marriage. If he agrees not to go but then keeps arguing with you or trying to guilt trip you then do the same thing.
He chose to get married. He chose to become a father. Now he needs to step up & prioritise those roles.
Hes a 22 year old boy who still wants to party with his bros, not be a husband and father. This will ALWAYS be a bone of contention between you, and he’s doing a fantastic job of portraying you as a jealous shrew. You know he’s ultimately going to hoose to go, so why fight about it? Instead of wasting time and energy arguing, let him make his own decisions without allowing him to drag you into arguments. Theres no law (yet) that says you have to stay with someone who actively treats you like a burden and a warden. If his bro trips are so important to him, and they cause so much drama between the two of you, and yet he STILL chooses the trips, he’s choosing his friends over you. Choose your next path accordingly.
Tell him to be mindful that you are banking all these trips of his and you will take the exact same amount of days/weeks to yourself when the baby is weened.
Let him go with the understanding that you too will get a couple of weekend getaways.
Plan a getaway. Pump and store for it. A spa weekend with your close friends or a beach weekend getaway. Or just alone in a hotel (with a sauna/spa/pool) getting some sleep lol
Tell him you expect more out of him
Why does he want to get away so much from his children/family? Peer pressure from his inconsiderate friends?
If you don’t see your marriage succeeding, pack everything up and be gone by the time he gets back, letting him know he made his choice.
Get into marriage counseling.
So many options
His days of dicking around with his friends are over
So you’re a SAHM, he does a 40-50 hr/week manual labor job, and then tends to all the animals on the farm himself. You mentioned that in a comment but didn’t put it in your initial post.
I’ll be honest – there’s not much here that’s going to save him not being stoked to father his child and acting like a baby when you want him to stay back, but also that’s a lot of pressure to get no breaks. You also said in a comment you “wouldn’t” go on a trip like that because you “wouldn’t want to do that to him.”
The biggest issue is that you’re both too immature to have a child because you obviously can’t communicate. That aside, you already had a child. Being a parent means nothing, but being a good parent means having to sacrifice your time to raise your child. You’ve brought many complaints to the table, have you considered talking to him about your issues?
As the old adage goes, “Stupid is as stupid does.” – we’re all stupid at some point in our lives. Grow up and have the conversations and make a compromise together instead of throwing around guilt trips and being children about raising children.
You have a shit spouse/partner and a worse father for your child. Start making your exit plan. You are already a single parent.
Let him. And when he gets back go visit your mom leaving the baby with him for the weekend
If he can afford these trips maybe he can set up for a babysitter to come over and help you during the weekend while he’s away ?
Contact a lawyer while he’s away. Ask them how to start properly documenting these little vacations where he leaves his newborn at home. Keep making clear you don’t want him to go and you consider it neglectful of him to leave. Then make clear it’s his choice to go every time. Document document document. He wants to go away every weekend? Fine. He wants to go on a week long trip? Great. He wants to shirk his responsibilities when he’s home? WRITE THAT DOWN. then, when you’re finally ready to get divorced, bring all that documentation to your custody battle. As a kid of a neglectful father, your child is better off with limited to no time with dad than constantly having to be around a dad who clearly doesn’t want to prioritize them. I would do this before they’re old enough to remember their dad leaving every weekend specifically to not spend time with them. But hey, that’s me. Overall I do think you should at least get divorced though, being treated like you’re the real parent while he treats fatherhood as optional would be a deal breaker for me.
The biggest question to answer is do you want your life to be this? If you do not then is your family supportive? Could you go stay with them while you figure out next steps?
I just saw a comment you made on another post that seems to imply y’all are currently trying for a second baby… WHY would you want to do that when you don’t have a reliable partner with the one child? Do you really think things will get better if you have a second?
Y’all need to have a come to Jesus moment with a serious discussion about how he needs to step up. I’m assuming he’s never had to take care of the baby on his own or probably at all, right? He needs to experience that and maybe that would make him see the light with how hard it is for you, but if not, you either need to accept things as the way they are and then buckle up for it being even harder with growing/having a second child, or just let him GO go and you get support from family or do it as a single mom. You may already be living as a single mom anyway.
AND WITH A FARM YOU SAID??????
God Im so glad my husband is the home body between the two of us. 🤦 These men and their marathons and guys trips and superfluous time consuming money pit construction projects during the post partum period has GOT TO GO. I think the entire narrative about “supporting his hobbies” is a crock of shit in the context of a birthing woman having to literally GIVE UP HER AUTONOMY IN ITS ENTIRETY for literally 3 years.
It’s time to stop hoping these men do the right thing. Watch their actions, and let it tell you who they are and where their priorities are. And then adjust YOUR priorities and plan for your future accordingly. He wants to leave you alone to fend for yourself and then YOUR the bad guy for mentioning it’s a pretty shitty thing to do? Nope. Go ahead and go guy. And then you need to stop considering him. Because I KNOW you do. I already KNOW you probably pamper that man beyond what he deserves.
If we’re looking at majority cases of heterosexual marriages with young kids (NOT the fringe cases people) – it’s overwhelming how often the woman bears the mental domestic and child care loads, AND NOT TO MENTION EQUAL FINANCIAL LOAD. And men benefit from marriage so much. Women die from it.
My husband is well aware of how damn lucky he is to be graced by my love and support. Don’t get me wrong, I am also well aware of how lucky I am. But he also knows that in an instant it can be gone. And that this is a partnership. So decisions like traveling solo are joint decisions. You want to go on a solo trip? It’s not about “asking your wife for permission” you nit. It’s about your actions impact your family, and so the considerate and logical things to do is propose the idea and talk about whether it is possible. And how it might impact the family, and what you could do to mitigate that impact.
If he stopped to think about you being in the post partum phase, it’s pretty clear that the question should be “what can we do to help find you don’t relief and joy right now?” But if this man is truly struggling and can’t put you first, then 100% if he came to you with an actual proposal like “hey i was thinking about doing this trip. I know it’s a lot to ask and it means you will be left alone again. I remember last time I did this was really hard on you. But it’s something that brings me a lot of joy and relief and I could really use that right now…. Can we talk about this? How are YOU feeling? Would this be something you’d be willing to do? Can we talk about what I could do leading up to the trip to make it easier and less impactful? Id really like to find a solution.” – you would probably cry and say GO BE FREE AND BRING ME BACK A T SHIRT. Even though the right response would be, honestly no I don’t think I can handle that right now. Since you just took a trip like this and I’ve been completely emersed with the baby, Id really like us to focus on when I can have a break next.” And then he should say yes of course, and then make you dinner!
Ladies, can we please allow our selves to take up more space? We need to respond to these men like they would respond to us. We need to say NO. And when they are not treating us right, we need to set up boundaries for our own health and safety. That means don’t pour into his cup when you’re it’s bone dry.
OP I’m really praying for you! I promise you, acting like it’s a matter of you giving permission is manipulative. You are in the thick of it right now and the focus should be on your recovery. I hope you can stand up for yourself to him and make this abundantly clear. And let him choose which path to take – caring for his wife and child, or himself. And I hope there are other people in your life who can nurture you and care for you right now in this incredibly vulnerable time. You are precious and you need to be cared for. 🧡
I think you should go for a weekend trip. Why do you think you can’t?
My wife went camping for 3 days with her girlfriends last summer leaving me with a 7mo and a 2.5yo.
It took some planning on her part to pump enough milk in advance but is totally doable.
Me and the boys had a great time without her and she had a great time without us.
I think it is important to maintain you life outside of the family for both of you but it has to be done in a compassionate and respectful way.
She was going to go on a ski trip a few weeks ago but the toddler and I were up all night sick so she felt she needed to cancel and I appreciated it.
You shouldn’t keep your feeling hidden but I do think you would feel a lot better if you had your own getaway planned to get back some of that feeling of autonomy.
Some men want to have a wife and a child, but they’re not ready to be a husband and a father.
Tell him you haven’t been away from the baby on a trip and he can’t go till after you’ve been. Also if his never been alone with the baby change that even if it’s just for a few hours.
Your husband is selfish. You know you deserve better…
Plan to go away imo, you both need the time and space now and then