I (36 F) think I have been so naive and I was so young I just didn’t see what was in front of me.
I met my husband (36 M) at 14. We were very on and off over our teen years. I never really wanted a boyfriend, and we lived quite far apart from each other. We would see each other for weeks and then it would fizzle out but we always loved each other and it was never on bad terms.
When we were 19 he was seeing a girl for a couple of months and only then did I realise that I wanted more than what we had. After not seeing each other for months, we somehow ended up sleeping together while he had a girlfriend. Both felt bad, although I think i felt worse than he did. He always says ‘it was always you, as soon as you were back and were interested in me, I just wanted you’
He broke up with her – she never knew about us. And we got together about a month later. The first time we had ever really given it a proper go. He has never cheated at any other time. I was so so so in love with him. We spent as much time as we could together. I was poorly and it messed up my pill. I got pregnant about 4 months after we were together. We were young (nearly 20) but happy. He moved into my mums house with me a couple of months later. We lived together for a year or so at my mums and got our own house.
Looking back I remember all the lovely things, but recently I’ve been back over my old Facebook and it makes me sad to read it. I don’t remember but there are instances where I’ve said he’s out for the night or weekend, I don’t know where he was or what he was doing. But I always said I missed him. Then there are wall posts of girls just asking him how he is. Sorry they missed his message. One says – hey sorry I must have missed your message last night. Just saw you spoke to me. How are you? Haven’t seen you for a long time, what are you doing with yourself these days?
Another one from one of his little ex – hey saw you in town, was gunna say hello but you walked straight past me and looked moody. How are you haven’t seen you for ages, congratulations on your engagement and the baby!’
I confronted him about this last week – he reassured me. And did say, yes that doesn’t look good but it was a girl who he went to school with and was in a really long relationship with one of his friends. He says he doesn’t remember why he messaged her but it was probably to ask after his friend. I have completely 100% trusted him our whole relationship. At no point have I ever worried about other women. But now I realise I should have done. We were so so young. If he’s never physically cheated on me, he has definitely messaged other women at the beginning. These were the days of MSN before Facebook messaged took over.
I don’t know how to confront him about this. It happened so long ago. We have 4 kids who idolise him, and he’s such an amazing man and husband now. The first few years were hard. He didn’t go out when we got our first house together, but I think looking back he was very emotionally immature and probably had massive fomo. I wanted to get married and have a nice house and holidays and he was still hanging out with his friends for football and a beer – at my house, playing Xbox. His friends mean a lot to him as his mum abandoned him and they all were like his brothers.
I feel so upset that I didn’t leave. So many times over the years I probably should have looking back but what now. So many posts over the first couple of years where i felt unloved I think. He was always emotionally unavailable but we never had fights or arguments etc. After about 2012 he’s been amazing. He grew up so much and now we’re mid 30s and he’s amazing. But I keep focusing on the past. I don’t know how to approach this. These instances he was messaging these girls he wasn’t home with me. He was most likely at one of his friends. We have a very trusting relationship and have for years, we use each others phones a lot, no secrets and we share each others passcode. I feel like I could trust him with anything but looking back I shouldn’t have at the beginning. I don’t know if he was meeting girls or what. I don’t know if he was lying to me about where he was. I don’t honestly remember but, I know he was going out while I was sat at home pregnant.
I just want to say , I don’t want to break up with him. I love him more than I can describe. I feel like we’re literally one of the same person now. I can’t imagine life without him, but I also will never stay if he has cheated. Because I won’t be disrespected.
How do I approach this?!
TLDR – husband was messaging other girls at the start of our relationship. He cheated with me, wondering if he’s also cheated on me. How do I deal with this?